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{\*\generator Msftedit 5.41.15.1503;}\viewkind4\uc1\pard\sb100\sa100\f0\fs24 November 30, 2005\line\line Dear Reader,\line What do you think of when you think of a twelve-year-old? Na\'efve? Pre-teen? Now say to yourself, cutter. That was the age I was when I picked up a piece of glass \ldblquote to kill myself,\rdblquote  or so I said. I\rquote d felt so many emotions building and I exploded. I never thought for three and a half years I\rquote d fight an endless battle of \ldblquote checking\rdblquote  the sharpness of a knife by running it along my arm; pricking myself with the tip; soon escalating to box cutters and razorblades doing more than pricking and \ldblquote checking.\rdblquote\line In this paper I hope to show the truth of self-harm and to reveal the skin exposed and the scars that lie on them, the flaws. I want the lines of \ldblquote attention-whore\rdblquote  and \ldblquote they just want attention\rdblquote  to cease from people\rquote s mouths.\line Self-injurers are not weird, or depressed freaks, they\rquote re not \ldblquote emo\rdblquote  or \ldblquote gothic.\rdblquote  They are friends, spouses, students, children, \ldblquote significant others\rdblquote , bosses and co-workers. They are people all around you; maybe the bubbly kid that sits up front, or the quiet one in the back, your sister or brother.\line I am one of those teens. Though I am seven months free of cutting it crosses my mind every single day. Three and a half years of my life were wasted on my \ldblquote friend,\rdblquote  something that I thought could help and cure all my problems, but was physically and mentally destroying my life. I hid my shame with long sleeves and late night tears. I cut, burned, pinched, hit my problems away. I did anything to help me ease my emotional pain the only way I thought I could.\line I went through on and off stages for about a year. The summer I moved to Ohio changed all of that. I started up more and more, everyday or every other day. I had eighty-four scars on me at one point. It helped me, even if I cried over it, and hit myself over it. It eased my pain of not having friends, my pain of not fitting in, of not making the grades my mother wanted. It eased my pain of my family dying, my pain of my ex-boyfriend ignoring me. It eased my pain of not being perfect.\line Honestly, I don\rquote t even know if I always want to stop at times. However, I did. I have, I least I hope. I stopped as a New Year\rquote s resolution for 2005, and failed on January 2nd. I started up again and made it to April 25th and then the 28th. I haven\rquote t cut or burned since. I still have a horrid habit of subconsciously hitting my head on things, picking at a raised scar on my shoulder, pinching my wrists when I\rquote m nervous, upset or in deep thought. I don\rquote t know it until my boyfriend moves my hand away, or places his hand on my head. As of today, seven months and two days is my longest record since freshmen year.\line This letter is supposed to be about my essay, but my essay is not the raw parts of it. My paper is research; my interviews, my letter, and my poem are the raw parts. This is what I need people to see. I need them to see the emotion, the feelings, and thoughts behind the labels, the pain and agony of stopping.\line I need the truth to be let out. I need someone to understand. Someone that hasn\rquote t been there.\line\line Sincerely,\line Tiffany O'Brien\par
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\pard\sb100\sa100\f2\fs18 Self-harm, cutting, self-injury, self-abuse, SI. No matter how you say, it is a condition that is hugely misunderstood and often confused with suicide attempts. Something so prevalent in society, with so many teens doing it, is strangely hidden in society and not often spoken about; a forbidden topic. Self-injury is an increasing occurrence, happening to probably one teenager in you classroom. Out of every 200 females within the ages of thirteen to nineteen at least one will attempt in self-injury (LeBoeuf). A study showed that seventy-two percent of those that self-injure are cutters; thirty percent, self-hitting; twenty-two percent, hair pulling; ten percent, bone breaking; and five percent, burning (Engelgau).\line Self-injury occurs in more females than in males, and it starts in young adolescent to early adulthood. Many engage in self-only a few times and some continuously do it, as it soon becomes a habit (Sutton). A habit that is hard to break, almost like a drug. Many ask how is it that cutting can be addictive. \ldblquote You started up so easily, why can\rquote t you stop just as easily?\rdblquote  It starts with an accident in most cases, and escalates from there (Jaffe). Since it helps that first time easing the adrenaline, the person will turn back to it. It helped once, why not again, and again, and again? Feelings can build up and there is no other way to address the problem. Negative feelings follow and so they will sometimes do it for feeling bad about doing it in the first place (Jaffe).\line Many of those who self-injure have high rates of childhood sexual or physical abuse, emotional neglect, insecurities, and/or separation from caregivers. Other things that some people who self-harm deal with are psychological problems such as borderline personality disorder, substance abuse, depression, and eating disorders (Sutton).\line Why people self-harm varies from each person, and many think it is either for attention or suicide. Self-injury often releases the tension, which is \ldblquote self-soothing,\rdblquote  preventing them from actually committing suicide (Jaffe). While these can be factors, to find out a true reason for cutting you\rquote d have to know or ask the person who does it. \line According to Sutton these are some examples for why people self-harm:\line\bullet  Distracting themselves from emotional pain with physical pain\line\bullet  Punishing themselves\line\bullet  Relieving tension\line\bullet  The feeling of being \ldblquote real\rdblquote  by having the pain\line\bullet  Feeling of numbness, being calm, and being at peace\line\bullet  A way to communicate their emotions to other people\line\bullet  Nurturing themselves by healing the wound\f0\fs24\par
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\pard\sb100\sa100\f2\fs18 -Destiny-\line Darkness pierces through the night,\line bringing along tears of fright.\line Crimson tears\line fall to the floor.\line Showing destiny forevermore.\line Short breaths are quickly taken\line the only words that are spoken\line are the ones that let no hope in.\line Crimson tears meet her\line silver knight.\line Her love & hope are lost with no light.\line She doesn't love him,\line but she needs him.\line Silver knight doesn't make her happy\line only brings upon sadness.\line She needs him to protect her\line from her fears.\line All he shows is what is real.\line Causing her pain.\line He shows her scars of a past\line she forgot.\line Something that made her tear her heart apart.\line Crimson tears, & silver knight\line blend together causing fright.\line He guides her through sadness & pain,\line showing reality & shame.\line Crimson tears\line fall to the floor\line showing destiny forevermore.\f0\fs24\par
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(C) Tiffany O'Brien\par
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\pard\sb100\sa100\f2\fs18 I sent an email out to three different girls that were willing to talk to me about their self-injury. They all received the same questions, and gave me their replies. \line\line\b Subject 1: A fifteen year old female in grade ten. Sexual orientation is unsure, and she is a good student maintaining a 4.07 GPA. Her interests and hobbies consist of the following: Concert, marching, symphonic, and jazz bands. She is also participating in the Arkansas state orchestra. She plays the French horn, piano, and the trumpet. Other interests are environment, and doing work with Amnesty International. She is in Beta, Spanish, and Environthon clubs. She is also in Quiz Bowl, and academic competition. She also likes to read and write.\line\line Subject 2: A twenty year old female, in college to be an English teacher. She has never had a job longer than a week. The happiest moments in her life were high school, and she has not adjusted well to being an adult. She lives with her dad and step-mother. She is bisexual but not many people know this fact. Hobbies consist of writing, talking on the phone to her best friend, and playing on the computer.\line\line Subject 3: A seventeen year old female, going to a Christian Boarding Academy. She is an average student making B\rquote s and C\rquote s. She is involved in music at her school, and can often be found singing, writing or talking.\b0\line\line When did you start self-harming?\line Subject 1: I've always pinched myself or punched pillows and such, but I didn't get \line involved in cutting/burning/etc. until I was 10 or 11.\line Subject 2: I started to self-harm myself at the age of 11.\line Subject 3: Three years ago when I was 14 years old.\line\line Have you stopped? If so, how long has it been since\line you last performed those actions?\line Subject 1: I say that I have stopped, but I truly don't believe anyone ever stops being \line a cutter. Once it's there, you're stuck forever. However, on November 17, \line 2005, I will have been cut-free for 15 months.\line Subject 2: I have not stopped as of now.\line Subject 3: Yes and no. I have pretty much stopped but I slip up every now and then. \line\line If you have not stopped, but have tried to, what was\line your longest?\line Subject 1: My longest before this was 6 months.\line Subject 2: The longest I have been without self-injuring was 42 days.\line Subject 3: The longest I've gone is like 5 months\line\line What made you want to stop?\line Subject 1: It was a combination of a few things. I had a few good friends that really \line encouraged me to stop, and after I made my best friend, Johnathan, cry, \line something he rarely does, I realized I was hurting other people. I also had \line been hospitalized recently and I was treated horribly. I was too scared of \line being put through that again.\line Subject 2: My best friend started self-injuring herself and I felt if i stopped she would too.\line Subject 3: I've been doing Bible studies with a teacher and that's brought me closer to God and in the Bible it says that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit and we must not do anything to harm our bodies... And I feel that by *c*(cutting) I am just slapping Jesus in the face and telling Him what He did on the cross was pointless because I save myself by *c* myself. No! I can't do that to Him. I love Him so much. Also, It clearly says in the Bible that we aren't to *c* ourselves to grieve sadness. That is when I decided for sure I can't do it. And God has been helping me. The closer I've grown to Him, the easier it's become to stop. It's been like 2 months now.\line\line Why do you harm yourself?\line Subject 1: There are a few reasons. Sometimes it was as punishment. When I carved \line words, it was to serve as a reminder to myself as something or another. \line Lots of times, it was to release emotion, because I could never find another \line outlet.\line Subject 2: I started self-injuring because I was sexually abused when I was younger but I continue to do it when I get angered over anything.\line Subject 3: I used to do it just to feel something or to just take away the emotional pain... but it never really worked... it always left me wanting more. It's not that I wanted to do it... it was that I couldn't stop. \line\line Do you have any main methods of self-injury? If so,\line what?\line Subject 1: I was more of a cutter than anything, usually I used razorblades. Sometimes \line I used knives and glass. I also liked to burn, usually with salt and ice. \line I used almost anything I could get my hands on though.\line Subject 2: I have 2 methods I normally use: cutting and bruising\line Subject 3: I usually just scratched myself with scissors or any other sharp item I could find. Or I used to bang my head on walls and books, and prick open healing sores.\line\line How do you feel while you self-harm? Relaxed, what?\line How do you feel before, during and after?\line Subject 1: Before I'd self harm, I felt very wound up and nervous. While I'm doing it, \line I feel like everything is just releasing from me, and I feel very relaxed. \line In the cases where I was punishing myself, I felt very in control. After, \line it varied. Sometimes I felt better, sometimes I want more. Sometimes I \line passed out, sometimes I felt guilty.\line Subject 2: When I have the urge to self-injure I am usually mad and when I am doing it I calm down but then when I am finished with the act I become mad at myself for doing it again.\line Subject 3: While I did it was always like "Oh no! I've done it again! I've ruined it!" Before: I felt really depressed and stressed out. And after: I STILL FELT DEPRESSED!\line\line Do you have any family members, friends that have,\line or still do harm themselves? If so, how does this\line affect you?\line Subject 1: As for people I actually associate with in life, not people online, I \line currently have 2 friends that self-injure. Ironically, today was the first \line time one of them ever has. He told me about it, and I was extremely torn up \line about it and hurt. I felt I should have somehow stopped him. The other \line girl is currently trying to quit. I have 2 friends that have completely \line stopped SI'ing(self-injuring) after only a few months each.\line Subject 2: My best friend started cutting after she found out that I do. I feel like I am to blame for her actions so when she messes up I mess up in trying to stop.\line Subject 3: It helps me to see that pain that I cause others and that makes me want to stop as well.\line\line How do you hide your self-injury, or scars?\line Subject 1: While I was cutting, I'd do it in places you couldn't see. Thighs, chest, \line etc. If I did use my arms, I'd wear long sleeves or makeup. After I \line stopped, I used creams to reduce the appearance of scars, or I'd wear \line bracelets.\line Subject 2: I hide my scars with long sleeve \ldblquote tshirts\rdblquote  and long pants\line Subject 3: I always did it on my legs or places that we easy to hide with my clothes.\line\line Have you ever told anyone about you self-injury?\line If so, how did they react? Why did you tell them? If\line you haven't, why not?\line Subject 1: Yes, I have told people. My best friend in 8th grade saw my cuts \line accidentally one time, and after that I confided in a teacher because I \line wanted to get help. I then talked to a few psychologists, and eventually \line told my parents. I have told very few friends.\line Subject 2: I have told a few close people about it. My best friend started cutting when she found out that I did. My dad got me into therapy when I told him.\line Subject 3: Recently I told my teacher. She freaked out. I mean totally freaked. She was about to cry. She was going to tell but I made her a deal so she wouldn't. I told her I would call her anytime I felt like it. I didn't mean to tell her I accidentally told her. Plus, I wanted to let someone know the pain I was going thru[sic].\line\line If you told someone, has it been easier to live\line with it, or harder? If you haven't, do you think it is\line easier hiding than telling?\line Subject 1: It was much easier after telling.\line Subject 2: Sometimes it is harder but sometimes it is easier. I always worry about my best friend and she always worries about me. When my dad finds out that I have hurt myself again he gets angry and yells at me, that makes me feel much worse and I start to hide again.\line Subject 3: It was both easier and harder. It was easier knowing someone knew to go to for help but it was always harder because the person could bug me about it or tell at any time if she noticed it getting worse.\line\line How do you cope with NOT self-injuring yourself?\line Do you do anything to try and not harm yourself?\line Subject 1: I use alternatives. If I feel I need some pain, I'll take a hot shower or \line snap myself with a rubber band, just to take the edge off. I try to write \line and talk to people. I pretty much do everything I can to stay away from it.\line Subject 2: When I cannot self-injure I have to do something with my anger, I write or punch my punching bag.\line Subject 3: I'm been SI(self-injury) free for a month or two and I feel great. I mean I still feel depressed and suffocated but the urge to self injure is gone!\line\line Do you receive any psychological help with\line self-harming, or for any mental disorders that cause\line you to self-harm? If so, what are they? Are they\line effective?\line Subject 1: I currently do not receive any outside help.\line Subject 2: I have been diagnosed with Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. I do not respond well to medication so my only option is one on one therapy and group therapy. So far I am doing well with that.\line Subject 3: Not at this present time.\line\line\line I had a personal interview with Subject number one, and asked a few questions more in detail to get an even more raw feeling behind it all.\line\line Interviewer: What made you go to such a drastic measure of cutting or burning yourself?\line Subject: Pinching wasn\rquote t enough anymore, I wanted more. The first time I cut, I didn\rquote t even think about it. I was upset, I\rquote d written a million pages, nothing was helping. It escalated from there.\line Interviewer: You basically say that once you\rquote re a cutter, always a cutter, or self-injurer. Why?\line Subject: I think it\rquote s built in. I\rquote ll never stop being a cutter. I\rquote ll always have that natural instinct that I\rquote ll have to fight. Anything that is such a big part of you life for so long is bound to be imbedded in you.\line Interviewer: How did your parents end up reacting when they found out?\line Subject: My dad ignored the topic; my mom felt guilty; my step-dad thought therapy would fix it all.\line Interviewer: How did it feel that your dad ignored it?\line Subject: I rarely speak to him. He\rquote s the one that instilled my ideas of perfectionism, and I felt I\rquote d failed him.\line Interviewer: Do you think that your father\rquote s ideas of perfection lead you into self-injury?\line Subject: It was a big part of it. In order to be perfect I had to display a certain image, and crying was not part of it. I\rquote d rather hurt myself than inconvenience anyone else.\line Interviewer: Didn\rquote t that mean you\rquote d be showing flaws? Making you not perfect?\line Subject: That was a dilemma, it was either not be perfect and no one know, or have everyone know. So I cut, and hid it from everyone, so know would know I wasn\rquote t perfect.\line Interviewer: Do your friends and parents know you\rquote re trying to stop?\line Subject: My parents thought I magically stopped, and my friends seemed to forget after two or three months. I don\rquote t expect them to understand, you can\rquote t fully understand something you\rquote ve never been through.\f0\fs24\par
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