I have been rather touched by death recently. My ex-boyfriend's mother died almost two months ago, we all just recently found out about a dear friend to many of us has died, and my friend's grandfather passed away earlier this week. Needless to say, this has caused a lot of thought about death and memories in my group of friends recently.
The thing that has been bugging me, though, has been whether or not we should only remember the good times, or if we should remember the faults as well.
While at lunch today with some of my friends, one was describing how her aunt and mother practically idolize their father, even though he was a horrible man (he beat their mother rather severely, apparently). Are they wrong to think about only the good? Are they simply in denial about the bad?
This has held me to think a lot about what I will remember certain people as. My ex's mother, for instance, seemed to never treat him well. That is more likely what I'll personally remember her for than all the good she likely did, because that's what I was exposed to. But my ex--will he remember her for the good, resent her for all the bad, or some combination thereof?
In regards to Kiota, I'll be honest.... I didn't like her. I won't go into why, because that's not important. But I sit here at my computer and read about all these people who loved her, and I wonder if they even saw the same person I did. I mean, I know she had good qualities, but she had just as many bad qualities as well. So, a year from now as we commemorate her death, will everyone see her as the good person those people make her out to be, or will we see that she was human, with faults?
In some ways, I think it's guilt that keeps people from remembering the bad. We may not have liked a person, but few would wish those people dead. We then begin to feel a little guilty for disliking them, even a little, during their lives, and force those memories away, favoring instead the ones that paint the people as true individuals.
This also reminds me of Speaker for the Dead, by Orson Scott Card. Ender was completely willing to tell the entire truth about a person, in order to help the community heal from the death. Remembering the good with the bad helped the people enjoy the life more, understand the motivations of the person more, and forgive them in the long run.
So, should we remember only the good times, or should we remember the good along with the bad?
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