I have no idea how to say this, without revealing my entire personal life. So, fine, I'll just throw it out there.
So, my first relationship (Ian)was about two years ago, with this guy I was going to school with. It wasn't much of a relationship, because we never actually went out on dates. And although I liked the guy at first, and at first, I thought he was attractive and funny, I soon discovered that because we weren't dating, because we were just holding hands at school, and acting lovey-dovey around my friends, I began to loathe him, and our relationship...the fact that it was so fake and cliche. We rarely called each other, and when we did "go out" it was more of just hanging out.
My second relationship (Peter)was over the summer, and although I think it ended a little better than my first, it too, doesn't count as a relationship. We met at a camp/workshop/retreat/seminar thing, and became so infatuated with one another that we proceeded to call, text, and email daily. That one ended again due to a lack of actual dating, as well as a lack of time, as we both started school and didn't have any free minutes anymore. (I mean, now we still talk occasionally, but certainly much less, and with a lot less romantic context)
So, I don't have a lot of relationship experience. Big deal. Whether or not I have a boyfriend is not what gets me through the day. During the in between time, I was fine. I don't pine everyday because I don't have a man. I don't lie awake at night wondering why boys don't talk to me, or worrying if I'm not pretty enough to have a boyfriend. Ususally, I'm just tired, so I don't even think about it.
I know that my individual worth is not affected by what others think of me, male or female. And my individual happiness is due to my own choices, whether or not I choose to make the best of a situation, whether or not I choose to be positive or happy that day, not because of what someone else says or does or thinks or feels.
This is why I don't need a date to Prom. I'm a determined, self-sufficient, persevering young woman of the modern era. If I can vote for myself, shop for myself, drive myself, choose a career by myself, get an education by myself, I can go to prom by myself. And I can pay for my own ticket, thank you very much. I think I can manage opening my own doors, tying my own shoes and getting my own punch, without some guy in a tux trying to throw off my groove. I've never needed a man before, and I don't need one now.
I've learned to deal with disappointment, with challenges, with heartache, all without a man. And somehow, I'm still alive. GO figure.
I'm a big girl, I'm all grown up, and I enjoy my individuality. I don't mind (and at times I actually enjoy) walking to my classes or to my locker by myself. I mean, having someone there to talk to is nice, but having someone there won't make or break my day.
But despite my feminist stance...despite my confidence in my own individuality, I still want a date.
If that makes any sense. I want to know that I don't have to be alone. I want to feel special, and I want to feel beautiful for one night in my life. I don't need a date to make me feel beautiful, but I can't deny the ego boost I get knowing someone else thinks I'm beautiful.
I don't want to just go with a few of my friends who don't have dates. I don't want all my pictures to be "girls only" pictures. I don't want to stand there, the only girl with her shoulders covered, (which is a little dorky already) and just watch the other couples dance during the slow songs. I don't want to just stand there and make silly faces at my friends with dates, trying to make them laugh. I don't want to just sway with my other dateless friends and I don't want to walk over to the punch table and pretend I'm really interested in the cups so that I can feel like I'm doing something important instead of just waiting for the slow song to end.
(I don't want my best friend's date to ask me to dance because he feels sorry for me)
I have done all of those things many times, and frankly, I'm a little sick of it.
I want a date. I want my dress to match someone's tie. I want to buy a boutineer and I want to struggle putting it on him. I want to be escorted inside the building. I want to be with my friends, AND with my date. I want to make silly faces at him while we dance. I want to talk with him and laugh with him, and dance with him.
But that's too much to ask, isn't it. My one and only prom, and it's too much to ask for.
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