My self-esteem has been running a little low lately, my feelings getting confused again thanks to, of all things, an anime in which I identified with the main character a little more than I wanted to. All of this inner turmoil will take time to get rid of and sort out.
It's moving on a little more quickly, however, thanks to the wonderful timing of God.
Wednesday night, I made it to my church choir practice for the first time in a month. We received a new song, and while sight reading through it the first time, I nearly broke down in tears. The beginning lyrics go like this:
"Ev'ry day the pass me by, I can see it in their eyes; empty people filled with care, headed who knows where. On they go through private pain, living fear to fear; laughter hides their silent cries only Jesus hears."
I realized then and there that I am one of those people. I live in a world of inner turmoil that I am too afraid to share with those I know would help me through it. I hide my pain and sorrow behind smiles and laughter, but when it all comes down to it, I feel so empty inside sometimes. And all I can do at those times is pray.
The title of the song is something I learned just recently through some empowering experiences with the Holy Spirit. "People Need the Lord."
We sang that song this week during the traditional service. For the first time, I sang confidently and strongly, not because I knew the song well, but because I believed so strongly in its message. Afterwards, our guest speaker began his message.
Once again, I can only thank God for this. I took three things from that message that struck a chord within my soul and brought some light and understanding to my inner turmoil.
One, humankind was not made to be alone. We need community. And yet, with all the people we encounter every day, we can still be lonely.
Two, each and every one of us has something that holds us back, an obstacle in our way.
Three, those obstacles cause us to hide from one another.
This is exactly what I am going through. I feel lonely so often while I am with my friends, and I know I shouldn't be. I know that they worry about me, but I don't want them to have to. They have their own problems to deal with. They don't need to carry mine, too. And yet...I will never overcome this loneliness until I can let them share the burden of my self-esteem problems. They are willing to help me, if only I will let them, because they have let me share their burdens. But despite knowing this, I hide my pain from them. I hide it behind petty complaints, so they will not see the real hurt, and I hide my tears behind laughter and false smiles, so that they will not know how miserable I feel.
I lie to myself, saying that I'm not opening up to them because I care for them. But in reality, it is fear. I am afraid to trust someone with my secrets, afraid that after I do so, after I learn to depend on them, I will lose them to betrayal.
Thanks to the speaker at my church today, I can now put words to my feelings and turmoil. Once again, I, who is not prone to tears, especially in public, nearly broke down and cried.
And then, while killing time on facebook, of all places, I was reminded once again that God is there for me. I stumbled across an application called Flair, in which you can put buttons up on a virtual tack-board and express yourself. And one of the buttons said something along the lines of this:
"Sometimes God calms the storm. And sometimes, God lets the storm rage, and calms His child."
It has a double meaning for me. The literal one is a reminder of that storm that induced a severe panic attack. I was consumed by sheer terror the likes of which I have never felt before, nor after. And God let me know He was there and suddenly, I was calm. The deeper, more general meaning that can apply to anyone, is, of course, that God will not always get rid of the problems, but He will give you the strength to face them. And that is something I need right now to overcome my personal issues.
And once more, I nearly cried.
So I've been spending today piecing together the emotions that are tumbling around inside me. I've been coming to understand why I feel the way I do, and what I need to do to overcome it.
I'm still feeling just as awful, in truth. But it helps to be able to describe what I'm going through. It helps to know that God is telling me something...He is telling me to learn to trust my friends.
And I think...it's given me a little courage. I think I'll talk to one of my friends tomorrow, because I cannot bear this burden alone for much longer, or I will crumble.
We can't hide from each other forever. We can't carry our burdens on our own. We can't live our lives in loneliness. We have to come out of our shells, and have faith in someone.
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