I could probably sit here and post all day long about intelligent, funny, and fun subjects and they still would not get ratings, reads or any comments. Myself being a good person, I have came to a conclusion that it really isn't getting me anywhere. Why not just be selfish and ungreatful like everyone else? I care to much. I want to help people to much. So why should I even give a fuck? I guess I can't help it. I hate posting rant blogs, but I really am so fed up. I read alot of people's blogs, I rate them and give them comments. I try to comment and read the blogs that are interesting but have no comments or ratings. What do I get back most the time? Nothing. I will not limit this to a rant about blogs because that would be stupid. I guess I really will just stop caring. For 20 years it has gotten me no where. Life is so boring. I get up I get on this site, or I do homework. I don't travel. I can't even drive a fucking car (at least legally). How pathedic is that. I'm 20 and don't have a license. What is fun? If someone was to ask me I would not have any idea. I guess this is how it gets as you get older. I see why people do drugs. They get bored. Why don't I become an alcoholic again? Why don't I start cutting again? Why don't I develop back my eating disorder? because I have learned. But I feel like it would be a change from this boring life I am living. I know what you are thinking life is what you make it. Yes it is but the things I want to do to have fun involve travelling. They also involve tangible friends. I don't have any. They involve money. All of which I have the inability to obtain. This fucking economy. My stress has been bad lately that I have started to not eat hardly anymore. Just Saturday I was moving around my corn wishing it would disappear. I ate some cheese today. wow I'm doing much better. I know how easily I can fall back into this disorder. I am struggling right now again. I can easily go back to stage one after over 6 years of normal eating. I am sick of not getting any help. Therapist are doing nothing for me. My psycriatrist is also not doing anything. She said take 2 .5 milligrams of these ativan to sleep. Yeah lady that works great. I need to be shot with a tranqulizer gun to sleep you don't realise that do you? If I tell my doctor how bad my lower back is killing me she will just give me some meds and send me home. No one can figure out why I have stomach problems even after I have had a digusting test for it. Doctors really are useless. You know the funny thing? I have never been on a vacation in my entire life. I have always had to go to places for business purposes. Because my grandfather died, or because my grandmother is sick and needs to see us. Half the shit my mom told me I could have when she passed away my dad told me I couldn't have. This is wrong. He said I couldn't have her diaries. I have already read them dad. I know the fucked up shit you both did. I could take them out of your house right now and you would never know. I don't know whether to be happy that my mom is gone or to be sad. I am sad most the time about it not happy. I just am glad I don't have to worry about her punching me or yelling at me. She did nice things also, so I could never understand. My mom was addicted to anxiety medication. I will not be like that. I make sure I cut myself off and give day breaks. I don't want to get addicted and I won't. I should just be like all the other selfish,cruel, ungreatful people out there maybe my life would work out better.