It's two a.m. and I'm watching the smoke from my cigarette, curl in infinite grey eddies through the air in front of me. A visual representation of the conversation I'm having with my three friends, all at cardinal points. We're having a war conference, of sorts. The discarded "Baconator" wrappers, and empty fry boxes, scattered about the kitchen table serve as a map. The enemy that we're all trying to understand is women.
"So I just keep dating psychos" Says South, "I don't know why, they're all I seem to meet."
A round of snickers from West and East.
"I think it's because I have trust issues, like, I dunno. I just want to meet someone I can trust, and then I'll be happy." South clarifies.
"Well, maybe you need to learn HOW to trust... you can't just start a relationship with someone, and make then earn your trust; it doesn't work that way.", replies East.
Theres a burp followed by the obligatory round of laughter. Further confirmation that chivalry died from some gastronomic anamoly. I take a sip from my over-syrupy Sprite, and gather my thoughts.
"I think your problem is... that you need to stop dating Art majors" Of course, this is me spewing total bullshit. Amongst your friends it's OK to use generalities in an all-knowing manner. I feel satisfied that I've given a totally confusing non-answer, and think that maybe I should go into politics, as East and West nod thier heads in confirmation of my wisdom.
"I don't date Art majors"
"Well, then maybe you should.", is the best I can come up with.
South then asks me, "So, how come is it then women can fall in love at first sight, and we can't?"
"That's not true", interrupts East.
"He's right, he's one of those overly romantic guy's that can fall in love instantly" I say. I think it's because East is a photographer, and therefore an artist. I was once the same way. If she had a mysterious mind, and a gorgeous ass, I would have sold her my soul. Im not that way anymore, I've grown patient with my emotions.
Well, thats just fuckin' stupid...", is South's reply.
East just laughs self effacingly and says "I know".
The conversation just continues on like this, and as we all continue asking each other questions, but not giving each other any real answers, I realize something. None of us have a fucking clue when it comes to the opposite sex. Not a single clue. As guys we only tend to lump women into two categories. Sane and not sane. Oh sure, theres also sorts of ways we break down everything else, from the physical to the emotional. In the end, however, those are the two catgories that count. I think about this and realize how we are all mentally children. Maybe our capacity for emotional growth is relative to how much pubic hair we have? Like our emotional growth becomes stunted at adolescence.
I only wish Sun Tzu had written "The Art of Women", so I'd have something to go on...
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