Brain Drain had Middle Child in a headlock again. His older brother is much larger and stronger, and Middle Child often finds himself in a position he can't escape. His explosive emotional outbursts are his only defense against the brute force of Brain Drain. So he exploded.
"Let me go, you jerk! You're...so...GAY!"
ScreeeeeEEEECHH! That is the sound of an entire household coming to an abrupt halt.
It was the end of the day. Mom and Dad were home and I was on my way out the door. I came back in. This was worth a few extra minutes at work.
"What did you just say?" his mom asked.
"But he wouldn't let me go!" Middle Child protested.
"That is not what I asked." Middle Child repeated the epithet and Mom asked, "Do you know what that word means?"
Middle Child replied, "Yeah. It means when something's, like, really bad or yucky."
"No," Mom said, "It means your nanny and her partner. It means the Swansons. It means Matt and Alex down the street. Are any of those people really bad or yucky?"
He stole a glance at me, afraid to meet my eyes. "No."
Mom went on, "Then don't use that word to mean bad or yucky. And when kids at school use it that way, what can you tell them?"
"Not to."
"Good. And tell them what it really means."
I stepped in here, so I could explain how hurtful it was to hear the word "gay" used derogatorily. I made it clear that the word itself is not insulting, but that its use as a synonym for "bad or yucky" is. I've seen countless arguments for the evolution of the word, with straight kid after straight kid claiming it now has no connection to relational gayness. This argument simply has no legs under it.
How did the word "gay" come to be associated with "bad or yucky" (to continue with Middle Child's definition)? It came from straight people maligning each other's masculinity, based on the stereotype that gay men are effeminate. The epithet has been leveled so often, for so long, that straight people have forgotten its association and now recognize it as a favorite generalized insult. Despite this, the fact remains that the word that means what I am is being used as an insult. What could possibly be more insulting or hurtful?
The gay community does not want its name used as an insult. It is irksome when a person who has no personal stake in the meaning or use of the word tries to tell me that this word, which defines who I am, means something other than what I think it does.
Middle Child's mom let me explain this to him and Brain Drain (in age-appropriate terms they could understand, of course). They took it with heads bowed. Even Brain Drain was quiet. I know they've said it before. I know their teachers let it happen. But they are two boys who cannot condone that behavior. Their little brother, The Princess, is starting first grade next year. He's going to need defending soon, and they need the language to do so.
So now we're all using the word in the correct context as much as possible. I am the luckiest lesbian nanny in the world.
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