"You're too fat. You're too short. Your hips are too wide...." It's an all-too-familiar taunt that rings in my ears as I recall my middle school years. I was the fat girl, the weird girl, and the girl that no one but a singular best friend dared to talk to. I had struggled with my weight since I was in elementary school, and my love for all things sugary and chocolate was not helping the situation. Once I entered high school I began to eat healthy and lost over 50 pounds. I made a point of depriving myself in order to raise my self esteem and to change what others thought of me. Now, at a healthy weight, and looking pretty good, the insecurity still runs through my veins like poison. At 122 pounds now, from my previous 170, I look in the mirror and still it comes to mind "my thighs are too fat, my belly is puffy, and my arms are flabby." My friends, boyfriend, and family make attempts to convince me otherwise and to show me how beautiful I really am, but the past blows to my self esteem still play in my head some mornings as I dress. I feel odd in a bathing suit. I hate my bare arms. There are a dozen other flaws that always glare at me on certain days when I am not feeling my best. When others compliment me, I always wonder if they are seeing someone different than I see. There are days when I love myself, and others when I want to workout until I drop to the floor in order to change what I see. The media is no help with thin celebrities gracing lingerie ads and modeling the latest fashions.
The more I think about, the more I wonder why I beat myself up. Why do I let others influence me in such a way? Why does it matter to me what boys said to me in middle school? And why does it matter that I'm not perfect when no one is? I have an eating disorder, or at least I believe I do. It's not anorexia or bulimia. I don't know of a technical name for my illness, but it's what I like to call obsessive dieting and concern over self image. I find myself depriving myself of all the little pleasures I used to love to eat and replacing them with veggies and proteins just to maintain a thin weight. Of course, it's a healthy "eating disorder" in the sense that my body itself is very healthy, but my mind still suffers. I believe that most women and many men suffer from this eating disorder. Even those who are overweight must feel this same struggle. And why do we do it? Because the media says so. I
I'm making more attempts at boosting my self confidence and seeing the beauty within myself. I look for the positives and not the negatives as often as I can. I am aspiring to be a model, but I will never be stick thin. I want to change what the media says. I want real women and real men showing off what they've got, because what is natural is what is beautiful, and my constant insecurity ends here.
I am an artist and will be majoring in photography in college. I once took a photo to go along with the opinion above. Just click the following link to view it.
http://s147.photobucket.com/albums/r304/vanityphotography/stickthintag.j...
-Jessica Lynne
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