Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16-year-old "Zoey 101" star and sister of Britney, told OK! magazine that she's pregnant and that the father is her boyfriend, Casey Aldridge.
Yes, yes, I know. This is not a website to post this kind of smut, but I'm going to spin it. She's lying about her baby-daddy; it was me.
"It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected," she said. "I was in complete and total shock and so was he."
How much shock can you be in?! You were fucking! Not only is that ILLEGAL in my state at your age, but it's RAPE. Honestly...your mother didn't love you, did she?
What message does she want to send to other teens about premarital sex? "I definitely don't think it's something you should do; it's better to wait," she told [OK] magazine.
Really now? That's not what you were shouting when you were having every orifice of your body penetrated. You're going to hell, you know?
But in a recent interview with The Associated Press, Spears said she had no steady boyfriend. "I kind of just keep my options open," she said. "I have a bunch of friends that I always hang out with, a bunch of guy friends."
So, which is it? Seriously. Is Casey Aldridge your boyfriend or convenient?
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Nation, I'm pissed. Not only is this Spears family getting more media coverage than the goddamned presidential candidates (they might learn something here: sex scandels = media coverage), but they're all terrible influences on EACH OTHER. Britney holds the world record for shortest marriage, allows her little boys to drive, and was the last to find out that Jamie is pregnant. Yup, Britney didn't know until AFTER the paparazzi told her. How's that for fucked up?
Oh, and Lynne's book is going to be postponed. What? You didn't hear about her book? This is grand:
After troubled Jamie Lynn and Britney Spears become the media target, the Christian publishing company Thomas Nelson decided to postpone the publication of a book by the two celebrities' mother. The publisher on Wednesday announced its decision to postpone the release of Lynne Spears' parenting book indefinitely.
That's right, nation. A book on parenting by the worst parent in the world. What would the book teach us? 101 Ways to Raise Sluts, Whores, and Hoebags.
Is this seriously what we've become? Are we so entrenched in this kind of BULL SHIT that we can't figure out that people who should be shot (Lynne Spears) for being stupid need to really be shot? We're allowing her to publish a book on PARENTING. Well, not anymore. I'm kind of upset; I was hoping to get one.
I don't know, Nation. We've got a problem with the Nuclear Family as well as the Spears' Family. But I can fix their problem.
Advice to the Spears Clan:
You've got cash and it's almost 2008. Quick, build a bunker, climb in, and get someone to put a giant "DO NOT OPEN 'TIL 2009" sign on the door. You all need to hide out. Drop off the face of the Earth. Let the storm subside. And Britney? Don't finish the "comeback" tour.
I'm so going to hell for this.
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