My paternal grandfather and uncle stopped by yesterday and dragged my husband out to lunch and on a technology shopping trip. I didn't even dare ask what they had gotten when they returned. My hands were already full of two hostile toddlers who were both angry at my sister and I for what they no doubt equate to the torture treatment (though in Alo's case, I don't much blame him, we had just tortured him).
Kaia had decided that tossing every article of clothing that he and his brother possessed around the room made for great fun and we were in the midst of a "pick it up" argument that we already knew we weren't going to win for at least another hour. And poor Alo had just been put through the draining of an abscess torture treatment.
He was lying in the floor doing his damndest to pull is trach out in his typical "Ha! That's what you get, bitches!" way. And believe me, if you knew the poor baby, you'd totally understand why I say that's his way. It's not an exaggeration. He has an attitude and is not afraid to use it to terrify us out of our minds by ripping out the trach and waving it in the air like it's a banner of freedom only to laugh like he's gone mad once we get it back in and he's breathing again. And Kaia, being Kaia was running in circles screaming like a banshee, determined to let us know in no uncertain terms that while he's old enough to make the messes, he has no intention of picking them up until threatened with the loss of every Thomas toy he possesses (which we hadn't yet worked up too).
It was total chaos. We quickly wrestled the boys into some semblance of humanity, kissed grandpa hello and attempted to get caught up on all the happenings that we have missed over the past few weeks, being tethered 60 miles away from them by a ventilator and a rigorous Alo schedule as we are.
And then, Grandpa dropped the big bomb.
I had never even thought about it before. Hadn't really even considered it a possibility, but somehow over the past three weeks, I have officially become the only one of my siblings that is "not another statistic". It took a while for me to wrap my head around that. I'm still not sure how anyone figures that's the truth.
Both my older sister and her husband and my older brother and his wife have just finalized divorces. And my younger sister is a single mother. Someone told me I should be proud of myself because I haven't failed. I couldn't figure out why. Not really. I mean, why's the demise of a marriage or the unwillingness of one man to be a father and the suicide of another something to be proud of? I'm not sure it was meant to come out that way, but in the end, that's really what it boils down too. I should be proud of myself because of the tragedy of another...
Are you serious? Is that really how we view divorce and single parenthood? I should pat myself on the back and say good job because my marriage hasn't disintegrated around my ears and I didn't get pregnant before I got married? We should take heart in knowing that we're not one of the "poor SOB's" that have become another statistic in a long line of statistics surrounding divorce and parenthood? We're supposed to be gleeful when things crash and burn for another?
That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Divorce and single parenthood are part and parcel of life to so many now. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't make one a failure, a lesser being, someone less worthy of respect. So... why exactly am I supposed to point to those people and say "well, at least I didn't turn out like you?" Is it supposed to make me feel better? Make them feel worse? They have become less and I have suddenly become more because of something I had no hand in? My marriage is now of more value because it's the only one in my family that hasn't failed?
I call bullshit. Being married and not being a single mom (or no mom as my personal case is), doesn't elevate me to some higher ground than my divorced and single parent siblings. It doesn't make me any better. It doesn't give me reason to crow, or for them to look away in shame. They may be new to the statistics of divorces that fail in five years, or 18-21 year olds that become single parents... but so what? I've got sad statistics of my own.
I'm one of the 6.1 million women that can't have children.
I'm one of the one in five Americans with a learning disability.
I'm one of the one in six women that have been the victim of sexual assault.
I couldn't tie my own shoes until I was in the first grade (I was 7).
Should they feel better now? None of my siblings are a number in any of those lines. Just me. Does their fertility, their fortune of having never been raped or being born without a learning disability somehow add value to them or take value from me?
I mean, come on! Do we seriously believe that the only way to build ourselves up is to tear others down and delight in their problems? In order for me to feel good and be content, I'm supposed to look at the misfortune of others and say "Well, I'm doing better than that poor bastard. He's divorced!" Yeah, I really see that happening.
Personally, I'd rather point at the people that think it's good form to look at another and think "well, I'm better than you, I'm not a single parent or a divorcee or a ____(insert name here)" as the type of person I don't want to be. Being a single mom, alone or a host of other things I could handle. Being an insensitive jerkoff would kill me.
I'm not proud. Because I'm not better than any of my siblings or anyone else for that mater. We all toe the same line. We all fuck up. We all fail. Some marriages crash and burn. Others stay strong. Some of us have children. Some of us never do. And most of us learn from our mistakes. I'd rather share ranks with those folks than the idiot that only feels better when feeling like some superior being. I've made plenty of my own mistakes. I'm not going to begrudge someone else a mistake... especially when that "mistake" made some of the most beautiful children I've ever laid eyes on or gave someone some of the best years and memories they had ever had.
(If you feel inclined to rate this post, please don’t rate higher than a 4).
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