After having a conversation with someone i consider to be my mentor now
I have come to some conclusions about myself. Whether or not you read
this in its entirety does not phase me.
I am worth something. When people treat me like shit, it is because
I allowed them do so. I saw myself as shit, so how else would I expect
myself to be treated. Well, no more dammit. I am worth more than I have
let people treat me. I am not a piece of shit. I am not a piece of
trash. I am worth way more than I have sold myself for. I amfucking
priceless. My worth can not be auctioned off. It's time for me to stop
settling for less out of life.
I am beautiful. True it may be that I have blemishes and bad break
outs at times, but that's life. That shit will pass one day. I may not
have the straightest hair, the prettiest hair, the most gorgeous smile,
etc, but to someone I am picture fucking perfect. And its time for me
to start looking in the fucking mirror and loving the image looking
back at me. Because I can do all types of shit to change my image so
that you all will love the way that I look, but what good is it if I
don't really see that shit and am just trying to convince myself. FUCK
THAT SHIT. I embrace all of my imperfections and I am fucking perfect
the way I am. You can take it or leave it, but it doesn't matter what
you see. Beauty is in the eye of this beholder.
I am attracted to people full of shit. It is true. I do find the
pretty girl that tells me all the shit that I want to hear and I fall
hard for her. Maybe not in love, but deep in like. Im like a fly to
that shit. And I can't allow myself to do that anymore. I can't believe
every word that I hear. I can't fall for every smile that I see. Pretty
girls are the most complicated and fucked up people. They are usually
the ones that need to grow up the most. Not just pretty people, the
pretty people that I get into relationships with. We all have our
flaws, but at some point I have to learn when it's enough. No person's
bullshit is worth my happiness. NO ONE'S.
I am talented. Fuck yes I am. I can write my little ass off,
although I will admit that I write some mediocre shit at times. I can
sing. If I put my hear into it I could have a record deal. I have had
so many oppurtunities given to me that I just let me pass me by. I can
do ballet. I really can. If I went and took a class and put my heart
into it like I did when I was younger, ballet isnt hard. What else? I
can do hair. Hell yes. And I made it my hustle for awhile. I was making
money but then I got lazy. So I sit here and blog because it shows that
I can write and Im not wasting my talent. Singing-- well im in an
acapella group. That's all that I can handle with that right now
because I'm so shy. Ballet-- im taking a ballet class next semester. So
over the summer Im going to do some working out so that I wont be out
of shape. I probably do have more talents than I know. Time to find
them out when I start to get to know myself.
I am someone. Yes I am. I might not be someone to you. But to me, I
am going to start being someone. I'm going to carry myself like I'm
fucking famous because I am my number one fan. Hell yes I am. I'm going
to take pictures of myself like Im the star and the paparazzi. I am
Dope and fly because I say so. I am who I make myself. And on this
night, I AM SOMEONE.
I need to love myself a little more and stop giving my all to the
world. I can't worry about what she is doing every moment of her life
because Im just wasting my own life away. I know that she is living her
life and not worrying shit about what I am doing at the moment that she
is living. So why the hell am I sitting on my ass worrying about what
she is doing? Loving her more and more every moment because it is
possible for me to love. But now I need to put all that effort into my
fucking self. I need to worry about what the hell I am doing? Am i
eating right? Exercising enough? NO? Well it's time for me to take care
of that shit. I need to first love myself before I can love anyone
else. I cant put her needs and her wants before my own any longer. I
can longer risk my own happiness just to make sure that she is forever
happy with what I am doing. On judgment day, whether or not she found
me perfect wont get me to where I need to be. So fuck that. I love
Jasmine. I do. I love myself more than I love anyone. Me first then
her. Its not cocky. Its self-acceptance.
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