Memoir

**Missing some parts but the gist**

She looks in the mirror and wonders if what she feels and thinks is true. Could this be happening to her? She ponders on this. Could she could go against all her teachings? Her morals? Her beliefs? Can she turn her back on her family and her religion? This girl contemplated going against society.
Daria had been living on God’s green earth for 14 years before she met the girl that would change her life forever. It was a nice September day, the first day of high school for Daria when she walked into her Algebra class as the outcast and the new girl on the block. In that class, she met her rock and her bringer of happiness. She met Jasmine. The two hit it off right at the beginning. Daria found when she was with Jasmine she could laugh, amongst the stress and pressures of high school. They mostly kept their friendship in school, yet they were close. Jasmine even kept Daria from getting upset when rumors started circulating about their nonexistent love affair. Even with the rumors, their friendship stayed intact until Jasmine moved. Jasmine did not leave without a parting gift. A letter from Jasmine asking Daria to be her girlfriend was the gift. Daria refused Jasmine’s request with some apprehension.
After this somewhat unusual proposal, Daria began to feel lost and confused. She closed up to the world and became a shell of herself. She lost her side of perkiness and replaced it with a slab of sarcasm. She did not want the world to see the change that her best friend had brought in her. Daria shrunk from her individuality and tried to conform to society. This African American girl was raised in a Christian household, and though homosexuals were accepted, members of her family would look her at differently. The shifty looks and nasty comments are not what she wanted for herself. She wanted to be just like everyone else, but she could not stop thinking about the letter and Jasmine. In response, Daria began questioning herself and her beliefs.
Daria got through her sophomore year of high school like everyone else except for the fact that she always kept something back when interacting with others. Daria even resorted to forming closer relationships with boys just to disprove her suspicions. That did not work out so well for Daria. She succeeded in confusing herself even more. She got more involved in her school’s activities and became as busy as humanly possible all to stop thinking about what was going on within her. Daria and Jasmine lost touch with one another, but one phone call rekindled their closeness. They wrote letters and talked on the phone to keep in touch. Daria felt she could be more like herself with Jasmine than with her own family. Their bond grew to immense proportions. Jasmine asked Daria to be her girlfriend again. This time Daria replied, “I will have to think about it.” After much deliberation and balancing the pros and cons of the situation, Daria remained apprehensive and told Jasmine that she wanted their relationship to stay the same. She did not want to change. This girl was not ready to be different than society.
Now Daria was becoming more involved in her church and finding out that she did not believe or agree with half of what the church was preaching to her. Church became a chore and made the experience more time consuming and less enjoyable. She voiced some of her thoughts to her mother and was not surprised by the almost Nazi attack her mother ensued. Tension between mother and daughter escalated an inch or two. Her mother took Daria’s freedom away as if she was in a concentration camp in Poland. Daria tried not to let her house relationships affect her school relationships. To start her junior year off right, Daria, taking the cue and advice from Jasmine, became a little more open and interacted more with her peers. She began to enjoy others company and go out more but with happiness comes depression in Daria’s story. Relationships at home got worse, more problems arose, life started to become a living hell.
Daria’s relationships with her friends stood strong, but again, Daria began to close off to the world. Arguments, fights, and threats arose among friends and family. Daria is a slow trusting person, but once you have her trust you had better not break it. A friend betrayed Daria, and it hurt worse than breaking a finger. Daria puts honesty and trust above everything. Where there is no trust, there is no friendship is one of Daria’s mottos. Towards January of Daria’s junior year, life started to worsen. Harder course work, more responsibilities, family problems, and all out carnage in school became an everyday thing. There was one beacon of light in Daria’s life. Jasmine moved back into town. Daria thought things would get better. They did not. Lies, drama, and deception ensued. Jasmine’s family developed a dislike almost hatred for Daria and their bad vibes put a strain on Jasmine’s and Daria’s friendship. Jasmine’s parents made it extra difficult for Jasmine and Daria to see each other outside of school. Daria could not understand what she had done or what she could do to change what was going on. Daria debated whether she should remain courteous or match attitude with attitude. She chose the wrong decision that time. Life only got harder before she sought out means to get happy again. She began to try to fix things and make everyone else happy. Daria lost sight of who she was and forgot to be an individual. She was walked on until she snapped. By the beginning of the summer before her senior year, Daria was forced to change in order to survive.
Daria not only changed she learned how not to care about certain people. She became more cutthroat and lethal than ever. She was hurt by the whims of adults enough to lose her respect for them. She thought she would never outright lie and deceive her parentage, but she learned how and felt no remorse. Daria clung to Jasmine for support. Their relationship became even tighter. Daria considered Jasmine closer than her sister did. Daria’s mother began to get antsy, skeptic, and noisy. Daria incorporated herself more into Jasmine’s life and vice versa. With more interactions came more questions. Questions like what to do and where is this going flashed in Daria’s mind. She looked in the mirror and wondered if her feelings were true. She pondered how she going to go against the teachings that had been instilled in her. Could Daria turn her back on her family, her morals, and her religion? This 17 about to be 18-year-old girl went against society.
Daria adopted a quote from John F. Kennedy, one of the presidents of the United States, “Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.” She took that quote to heart. She threw all caution to the wind accepted who she was and what she had to do. On a cold February night in New Jersey, Daria finally admitted to herself that she loved her Jazzy. She loved her more than a best friend; she loved her more than a sister; she loved her as a life partner. Daria made out with her boo in the front seat of her Dodge Neon. She accepted that she was bisexual. This small admission not only made her feel complete; the admission shook away all the dark clouds for a day. The next day they returned for Daria had to find the courage to tell her mother. Though difficult, Daria had her girlfriend right behind her, helping her every way possible and encouraging her to face her demons. Daria was there for her Jasmine in the same way. They shared each other’s burdens.
Trust, they needed each other to get through the next couples of months. Daria considers honesty key in any relationship so she had to tell her mother. The question was getting over the fear of rejection. Well…that did not do go so well for Daria. Jasmine got too excited and left a hicky on Daria’s neck and Daria’s mother spotted it. Her mom flipped out and immediately things in Daria’s house became tenser and near intolerable. Daria’s mother stopped talking to her and started to distrust Daria as if she did not know her. Daria and her mom never had a great relationship, but this small admission made things even worse. It would seem to Daria that her mom would go out of her way to make sure Daria could not spend time with her Jasmine. Daria could not go over Jasmine’s house; Jasmine could not come over to Daria’s house. Frustration and hurt built up inside Daria and she became depressed again. Doubting the decisions she had made and regretting some of the things she had done. Daria would sit in front of the window for hours just thinking and staring off into space. Hoping and praying things would get better.
Times only grew harder. Jasmine moved again. Though closer than before, Jasmine moved far enough for it to become even more of a problem to visit her. Daria’s mom instituted more rules to govern over Daria such as no phone after 11pm, you cannot drive to go see Jasmine, only the bus and train, and Jasmine could not sleep over. Daria’s situation became more strained. Tears flowed and depression intensified. Daria cherished every moment with Jasmine. Daria tried to escape the depression that crashed down on her. Her only outlet was her girlfriend. Daria got into more trouble for her antics, yet it was all worth it when she received small forbidden surprises from Jasmine. Daria then finally decided she was not going to let her plight stop her from living her life to the fullest. She got what she could out of life and did not worry about the consequences. She did not conform and give up her love, but she did not hold the frustration in. Daria just ignored the looks and remarks made by her family and classmates.
However, feeling slightly rejected and disappointed Daria realizes she cannot make everyone happy; she can only make you feel happy. Daria decided to enjoy being herself and her life to the fullest. Daria realized that she might not be the good Christian girl that her mother might have wanted but she can be herself and her mother should be proud of that. Daria became more cheerful and found peace within herself. Instilling some of the principles from her favorite musical Rent, Daria believed that there is no day but today. Instead of fighting with society and her family, Daria merely tried to foster or create new relationships that did not hid who she was. Though Daria and her mother have not resolved their issue, Daria hopes that one day it will get better. Until then, Daria will be herself and not change or conform for anyone. Since Daria is starting college, she hopes that the distance will give her mother time to think, she will meet new people and start fresh, and that she wont miss her girl too much. Overall, her experiences have taught her to be open and honest with herself and the future should always be bright.