marichriaddi's blog

“Sin was not in the mind of the universe of our creators or the created.”
    “A long time ago the people had no laws, no rules of behavior—they hardly knew enough to survive.  And they did shameful things out of ignorance, because they didn't understand how to live.”
    “I have seen in my mind that some time after I am dead—and may the time be long—light skinned, bearded men will arrive with sticks spitting fire.  They will conquer the land and drive you before them.  They will kill the animals who give their flesh that you may live, and they will bring strange animals for you to ride and eat.  They will introduce war and evil, strange sicknesses and death.  They will try to make you forget Maheo, the Creator, and the things I taught you, and will impose their own alien, evil ways.  They will take your land little by little, until there is nothing left for you.  I do not like to tell you this, but you must know.  You must be strong when that bad time comes, you men, and particularly you women, because much depends on you, because you are the perpetuators of life and if you weaken, the Cheyenne will cease to be.”-Sweet Medicine, Cheyenne  Read More »

i used to like the feeling of liking somebody.  I once enjoyed the anticipation of hearing his voice when I'd call.  Now, I think I may have single handedly sabotaged it all.  I can't seem to help my traumatized ways.  There are guys who I could see myself with.
Hugging, caressing, touching...
Now the thought makes me sick.
They all want to have me all to themselves  Read More »

12/24/0 10:40 am
They used to run free, roam nomadically
with a purpose
to try to find something to eat
They used to know where the best places for a certain crop of food could be found and when

They were once free...

their numbers increased and could be seen
for miles around and heard before they were seen
cuz the sound of their steps caused the plains to rumble  Read More »

I have known for quite some time now that I want to be a writer.  There are days when I say, whatever, you suck at writing.  You don't even know your grammar or all of the little funny rules that come with the English language.  Then again, I say fuck that.  As long as I can get my point across to another person in a way that may be beautiful, ugly, thought-provoking, or nothing, then...ok, I have served my purpose.  In reality, I would love to use my writing as a teaching tool, to contribute to the reservation community, but hey...that is just a dream right?  There is nothing wrong with having a dream, it is a lot better than not having a dream.  So, yeah, I love to write.  I love to read.  I love to think.  I love to breathe.  I love to live.  I have so much love to give...sometimes, I can only explain it in writing.  I love how I can write to erase things, program things into memory, or create beautiful stories.  Then again, sometimes I love how I can write to simply free myself from the random thoughts, which may cloud my brain.  You know, those trivial thoughts that shouldn't be taking up all that space in my brain...u know what I mean.  My brain should be used for a higher purpose, a good purpose, and sometimes, it is not.  Sometimes, I am hateful.  Other times, disrespectful.  Or, I'm just plain retarded.  hahaha.  So, I write, and I get it out of my system.  i free it and let it flow somewhere else, or maybe I use it to learn from and to not repeat again as long as I shall live.  The circumstances and choices dictate the path that is chosen.  I like to think of the choices I make, no matter how random, insignificant, or momentous they are....as steps building a staircase to a chosen destination...It's like, I know I want to go up...but I don't know...sometimes, i go down.  Sometimes, the steps spiral up.  Sometimes, they zigzag down.  Sometimes, there is a plateau...no steps to climb...and other times the stairs are so rapidly moving, it is like running as fast as I can on a stair stepper...sweating profusely...shiny forehead, dry mouth, and the mental capacity to simply do nothin but keep on going up.  I guess the hardest part is choosing the destination...right now, I know my destination has something 2 do with writing, but the stairs building the staircase to get to that point...haven't yet entered into reality yet and I am standing on one step, in the middle of stepping on to the next step, which hasn't yet been built or even become tangible....so, I am ..paused in midair.  Awaiting that chance to step onto the next step....  Read More »

so, I listen to Mac Dre when I'm feelin a certain way...Today's song ,  "Not my Job" was the song of the day.  because today, I said "Kiss my ass!"  typed it up as a memo and sent it out.  Nah, just kidding.  But yeah, today was my last day as a Teachers Aide.  I'm no longer a teacher, as of today.  I began to feel a certain way when I'd go to work.  It was mostly frustration.  Mostly anger, mostly the feeling of wanting to pull every strand of my hair out of my head and scream at the top of my lungs, which caused me to mostly laugh uncontrollably as kids screamed at me, called me a stupid b*tch, kicked me, punched me, and disrespected me on a daily basis.  I couldn't understand WHY these kids acted the way they did.  As I began to learn more about them as little people, my relationship and bond with them grew considerably.  Every one of those kids touched my heart in a way that only they could.  They opened up a part of my brain that only they could.  They all taught me things about themselves and most importantly, about myself.  The most important lesson that I've learned from working with those kids is this, I don't want to be a teacher.......ever.  I like to think of myself as a teacher to those who really want to learn.  By that I mean that if someone wants to read my writing and learn something from it, that is their choice.  I want to teach those who make that choice to learn what I am teaching and choose to listen to my words.  Teaching little 3,4, and 5 year olds who don't even want to be there, let alone listen to anybody, or follow rules is something that hasn't been making me very happy.  In fact, I dealt with it pretty well.  Then again, I scoured classified ads looking for a job, ANY job that I felt like I would like to do.  On the other hand, I couldn't quite land the job I wanted, and I found myself still going to work every day.  Being the person that I am, I make the best of every situation.  I tried to see the silver lining in all of the dark storm clouds of cuss words being hurled at me by 4 year olds and constant disrespect and figured, maybe the children are that way for a reason.  Maybe, when they are older, that disrespect for authority and control and their overboard impulsiveness and aggression will serve them a purpose.  I don't know.  I just know that I don't want to be a part of that atmosphere anymore.  It saddens me because I know that the kids are that way because of their parents or lack of parents.  There is so much going on in their little lives, things that I don't understand because I had a family and I had a good life, that causes them to...act the way they do.  It frustrates me...there seems to be nothing that I can do to stop the behavior and nothing I can say to the parents to make them think about what they are doing to their children.  FUCK.  it makes me want to scream that people treat their own children in such ways to make them act so bad.  For starters, my family is very traditional in the fact that...shame is a huge part of the disciplining of bad behavior.  I didn't want to mess up, because I didn't want my whole family to ask me, "What the hell is wrong with you!?  What were you thinking?  You dumb son of a bitch!"  Nah just kidding, but for reals.  If I got a bad grade, everyone knew about it and got on my ass about it.  When I got in trouble, everyone knew and got on my ass about it.  It helped me to develop into a good person.  It's not that I care what people think of me, but if I'm fuckin up, it is nice to know that people care enough to tell you what they think!  I wish that I could tell on all of those parents.  I wish that everyone could know how they are with their kids.  I wish that once everyone knew, they would take it upon themselves to get on their ass!  WITHOUT CPS or foster care and all that bullshit!  But...yeah.  So, on my last day as a Teacher, I'm sayin..hell yeah.  I'm done.  I don't have to feel like that anymore.  I know now that I liked that job and all of the playing outside and free meals, but at the same time...I didn't love that job.  If I'm going to feel that much frustration and anger, well, it better be worth it.  It better be b/c of the love I have for it.  Then again, maybe I loved it a little too much, too much that it hurt.  Like an abusive relationship, I can't get out of it.  I think in my heart, those kids NEED me, just how I thought that Anthony needed me when all he did was treat me bad.  I know now that I can make a choice to stay in that line of work and just deal with the bullshit, or I can actually do what I really want to do with my life.  I think that I've made the right choice.  In fact, I know I have made the right choice, because I'm already feeling like...pretty good.  Read More »

So. Yeah.  I found this poem when I was finally folding up my laundry that has simply been piled 3 feet high off of the dryer since like...i dunno sunday.  here it goes.
12/12/06 sittin here jammin some 2 man hand drum...
Thinkin. 
All the time
Constantly thoughts
They flood and wring my brain
and
I scramble to find
Solutions to Problems faced  Read More »

Man, if I had known that this site was for a scholarship and contest and all of that stuff...I would have been on here everyday, like writing my ass off!  Nah, just playin.  I like this site because it lets me know what people think and how people are and I'm just such a big fan of People.  I like all people.  I see the good in all of you fuckers!  Nah, just playin.  I really try to and I naively do believe in the good that is within all people...black, white, yellow, purple, rainbow and sprinkles on top, etc.  Now, I'm thinking about ice cream!  Ok.  If anything, writing is something that can be powerful, used to teach those who really want to learn.  Obviously, if a person can read proficiently, they can write proficiently as well, they can also usually speak well too.  I guess for those of us who can do one well, we can't do the other two for shit!  Sometimes, I can speak my mind in the most beautiful of ways.  Other times, I struggle to say what I really mean, so I write.  When I can't write, I read to get some new ideas and fresh perspectives.  When I can't read, I go run.  If I can't run, I dance.  If I can't dance...oh man, the list goes on.  anyways, I am kind of forgetting what I'm doin here...I'm  just trying to blow off some steam.  Get some of these random nonsensical thoughts out of my head.  oh wait, is that a word?  I guess if it is not, I made it up cuz it sounded good.  Kind of like nonsense, musical, sensible all in one.  nah just messin.  i'm about ready to go work out and break a nice sweat.  Then my brain will really be nice and refreshed and maybe I can write something a little more profound, like how I'm going to end world hunger, or how I plan to achieve peace in the middle east, or maybe my thoughts on the war.  On second thought.  Nah.  Who cares?  Right now, I don't.  Right now, I could care less because I've got my own little tasks and duties to achieve and if the world ends because of the human race's poor decision making skills regarding lack of control, being impulsive, feeling entitled, and being disrespectful...then I guess it happened for a reason.  and all I know is that it wasn't me!  I was just trying to do my own thang and I know that in the end of it all.....I'm going to where my ancestors went before me and I know that it is a good place and I'm not afraid.  Sure, though, I love this world and all of its novelty.  But sometimes, there are days when I can't stand it all and I just wanna flip off the whole world and slap all the dumb asses upside the head and ask "What the hell were you thinking?  Exactly!  You weren't you dumb fuck!"  But I can't.  I have no control...so I just try to control what I can about the world that surrounds me and I'm finding out that I don't control very much.  There is a great spirit within this whole world that causes this world to move and to play and to laugh and to cry...meanwhile, the people who live on this world can't feel its movement, its playful leaps in the air, its low, rumble of laughter rolling through the plains, or its tears of pain at the destruction and malice done to it every single day as people destroy the beauty in the name of something called money.  So, I hang out here on this Earth.  and I feel its pain because I, too, am part of this Earth.  I was created out of this Earth.  If that doesn't make sense to you, then it probably never will make sense to you, because you are disconnected.  You are gone.  I am not.  But I am constantly reminded of why I am not gone, why I'm still here, and it's all for a purpose, a greater good...a damn good reason, I guess.  and You know what?  Every person on this Earth was made that way...it's just that some of us have forgotten that our purpose is for a greater Good...Those who have forgotten that purpose mistake their ability to decide and make independent choices as an excuse and reason to abuse this Earth.  I say, FUCK IT ALL.  You fuckers killed my ancestors for believing that this Earth...was its own...you know person.  We are just a little part of it...and you know...i think that we forget that our purpose might be little in comparison to this Earth's purpose...but it is still a purpose and when that purpose is forgotten....well, what the hell do we do then?  I guess we drink beer, smoke meth, watch TV, get fat, and raise a bunch of worthless kids.  That's the End my Friend.   Read More »

"As to the white man's religion which you have explained, we have heard it told to us in the same way, many times, in our own country...We do not think your religion good, unless it is so for white people, and this we don't doubt.  The [Creator] has...given us our religion, which has taken our fathers to "the beautiful hunting grounds," where we wish to meet them...you speak of the "good book" that you have in your hand; we have many of these in our village; we are told that "all your words about the Son of the [Creator] are printed in that book, and if we learn to read it, it will make good people of us.  I would now ask why it don't make good people of the pale faces living all around u?  In our country the white people [have] two faces, and their tongues branch in different ways; we know that this displeases the [Creator], and we do not wish to teach it to our children."  - Neumonya, Ioway  Read More »