HarlequinGoddess's blog

I have stuggled throughout my life to make things make sense. There are many parts of my past that I've hid from myself because I just don't want to remember, but as I lay staring at the ceiling at night in sleepless wonder, I start to put things back together.

This is part of my story. It is from the recent past to, so all the details are still fresh in my mind. I was having a rough time in life two years ago. I made a lot of mistakes. These mistakes are important for me to understand why I did things the way I did. I don't want to repeat them.

A few posts ago I made a mention that I'm a selfish person. Now I refute that. Well, my boyfriend refutes it, actually. Without thinking, I help people in need. Living in China, I see that a lot more than I saw in either America or England. There are people that walk the streets looking for bottles to sell for more money.

When I turn off the music, my mind wanders. It does for most people when they have to do something to fill the empty space with. Either they think about responsibilities, their loved ones, or just daydream.

Home is supposed to be a place of serenity, a place to relax, a place to be yourself and unwind. What if home is not that? What if you are terrified to go home? Where does one find the time and place to let the mind heal?

For the most part, I'm a selfish person. I always think of myself first. If something that I have to do is not the best option for me, I won't do it. I chose to come to China to teach English, not because I wish to help educate the Chinese, but because graduate school demanded I have more experience.

I made a personal decision long ago never to lie about anything. My father once told me, "If you don't like the truth, change it." I believe in everything my father has taught me because it makes sense. It doesn't make life any easier though.

I never thought I'd be here. Well, not in reality. I had always dreamed that I'd be able to make my dreams of being an archaeologists in China true. It is just that every day when I wake up, it doesn't feel different from being in America, England, or even Egypt. I just wake up, go on with life.