For the past two days I have written almost consistently. I've rediscovered my need to write. I never thought about why I do it. I've had a journal ever since I could write. I either valued my life or valued my thoughts too much to let it simply pass on by without recording it. It was always my wish and my intent that if I were to die, I would hope that I had influenced somebodys life enough for them to have the desire and motivation to make me immortal in some way. Writing is the way in which I accomplish immortality. To have my words published after my death would be to ultimately acknowledge that at one point I did exist.
As George Orwell said: Sheer egoism. I don't deny that this is a huge reason why I write.
The means of writing were never important to me. Whether or not it was on paper or on the internet, it was always going to be read eventually. Maybe this is a morbid thought, but explaining myself after my death was the only way in which I could fully articulate what I was trying to say. When I write to who I imagine to be me in the future, I don't clearly express my thoughts and ideas because I know that out of all people, I'd understand myself the best.
I had always been conflicted with writing. One of my basic values had been to not seek unnecessary attention. When I was young I travelled to Mexico city with my family and saw a homeless girl. I had just been injured by climbing up something that wasn't supposed to be climbed up, and my dad was attending to me. My injury was sufficient to leave a scar even today, but I was aware that I was beyond that of basic necessity. Seeing the little girl look up at me as my dad carried me through the city made me feel a twinge of guilt for accepting this unnecessary attention. This experience has shaped me in many ways. I dreamed of living as a peasant with only the basic needs, and always feel guilty when I have more than I need.
Writing is a form of attention seeking, and I was always aware of this. Hiding my journals was how I took care of this conflict. However, when I discovered blogs and was exposed to feedback and commentary, I couldn't help but love it. I felt that there was a purpose to writing.
The cons of blogs were the same as the pros. It's typed and it's public. I type faster than I write. I often type faster than I can think logically. When writing by hand I tend to make better statements, and it's only when I write with extreme caution (as I am doing right now) that I can get anything real written down. When I mindlessly type away and then publicize it, people assume that what I have written is what is real to me. However, my childhood inclination to see things from other peoples perspectives often permeates my writing, and by an audience other than myself, is taken as my actual beliefs.
"All writers are vain, selfish, and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives there lies a mystery. Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand. For all one knows that demon is simply the same instinct that makes a baby squall for attention."
I wrote a book once when I was 16. I wrote it by hand, and it filled five marble notebooks. I wrote it as a form of therapy, and it was definitely a horrible, exhausting struggle. I didn't bother to edit it because I never thought I would publish it. However, I regret throwing them away now. I was driven by a demon whom I couldn't resist or understand. Writing was my attempt at understanding, as well as indulging in the emotions that came with the story I had to tell.
I owe a lot to my writing. My understanding of the world is accomplished through writing about my every day observations and experiences. The only way in which I can substantiate my every day existence is through writing. The Sierra Club's motto is "Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints." This is the way in which I do this. Writing is both my photography and my footprints all in one. It is an affirmation that I was there and that I was alive. Sometimes it seems like it's cutting myself just to see myself bleed, because of it's masochistic tendencies in terms of ripping open wounds that have almost healed just to be sure that they were in the process of healing.
Another reason i write is because of my love of analyzing things. I don't hold anything as "normal." Everything in terms of human interaction and interpersonal relationships can be viewed as "cultural," and being multicultural and not being sure of which behaviors come from which cultures, it is always interesting to see how people in multicultural America act, versus other countries. I was very lucky to have had such a diverse upbringing. I like to think that because I had a unique environment to grow up in, I can bring a different perspective and a different paradigm to people who feel they were stifled in terms of culture.
Like most other people, I write to clear my head and organize my thoughts. I write to affirm my values and my identity. When I don't write, I feel unsure of myself and my thoughts. I know that when I write with caution, my true values come out. This is something that isn't done through daily speech. Lately I've felt I haven't upholded these standards for writing. "Blogging" became a separate form of writing in which I explore the outside world and separate paradigms other than my own. This form of writing is not only unimportant to me, but defaces and mutilates my person. I had been exploring other values foreign to me for so long that I ignored my own, because it is only in the total abandonment of ones own outlooks that one can fully understand and appreciate anothers.
I feel that the last two days of journal writing have brought me back to my roots of writing and I can go back to feeling good about it. I felt that in college I was missing the introspective writing that I wished to do, partially because I was forced to write research papers, but mainly because of the time constraints and other interests that may be less healthy or less introspective. The college life has been a test in extroversion to which perhaps I'm not meant for. Just in my writing it has become apparant that I am a closet introvert. I may be disguising my introversion in my outgoingness and willingness to talk to strangers, but on a deeper scale I am an introvert like most, if not all writers.
Writing itself is not something I do to be an individual. Many people write. However, what is important to me is the very fact that I write because I identify with it. The product of my writing reflects my individuality, but I have yet to discover my core values. This search, and therefore the process of writing, is what is important to me. It is this need for constant development of my character. I find myself in my writing as people find themselves in their reflections. To me, my thoughts do not hold as much substance as the words that are formed with them. I am unable to hold on to a thought and sometimes even recall them seconds after they were formed. Writing is the way in which I can get the most out of my thoughts, which are my most prized asset. This is why I write.
