I find myself in Prattsburgh...

Suddenly, because of some crazy axe-wielding house destruction on the part of my friend Rowan, I find myself back in Upstate New York, begging my sister and brother-in-law to let me live with them. I don't really want to go into the details of that crazy night that drove everyone in my house in Portland to pack their bags the very next morning and move out; let's just say I'm glad it is all over, I feel safer and saner now, and still a little shocked at the way everything went down.

Trying to pick up the pieces of my life has become almost a hobby of mine these past few years. I think I'm finally tried of the chaos and ready to settle into a quiter, saner life. I've been realizing, as a person approaching thirty, that I don't want to live in utter chaos my whole life, and there comes a point where a person has to make a healthy life for herself.

So I find myself back in Upstate New York; one of the most beautiful places in the world, as far as I'm concerned. My hometown, Prattsburgh, isn't even big enough to be on most maps, but on clear cold nights in autumn, when you step out of your warm car in your driveway, and the fresh, green-smelling air slaps your face, the noise of crickets fills your ears and you shout with joy at the beauty of a million stars above you; well, that's something that can't ever be replaced by city lights and tall buildings.

I was coming to a place in Portland where whenever I left my house I felt assulted by the harsh realities of the city; constantly feeling like I was going to be run over by a car while on my bike, constantly being bombarded by the noise, the pollutation, the homeless people downtown begging for change, my jobless, joyless friends who where in increasingly bad siduations, partly because of bad choices made, but also because life in the city deals hard deals; well, I just couldn't handle being around all of that all the time, the hopeless, joyless existance that I was starting to live.

I want to live again in a place where the coyotes are the night noise; the coyotes, the bullfrogs and the crickets. I want to smell green smells and cowshit, to bathe daily in the pond across the street from my sister's house and catch my breath at the senstation of freezing water hitting my bare skin all over like a million little needles. I want to daydream about bearded men who wear buckskin clothing and like to hunt; I too want to wear buckskin and learn to hunt. I'm ready for that adventure now.

I want to live everyday in close connection to the world around me; not just some days, but everyday. I've begun harvesting acorns to make flour and wild carrot seeds to make birth control; as I harvest these things, I sing to the plants who provide for me. I've been praying to Thunder Boy and Pan, Coyote and the Christian God (a blend of gods from all of my ancestors and the land where I live). I've been talking to the oak trees who provide the acorns, telling them I'll be sure to teach my children and my children's children about making flour from acorns and using wild carrot seeds for birth control. All of this feels good and right. I think I'm finally onto something, a joyful life and a contented one.

In the spring, I anticipate farming. This winter, I anticipate learning how to tan hides really well and perhaps trading work on an el paca farm in order to aquire wool to learn felting. I want to play the dulcimer and make sunbonnets as well. I want to learn how to be patient with life and let things happen slowly and with the seasons, the way they are suppost to. I especially need to learn how to do this with relationships; I have an unhealthy way of trying to skip building relationships with people and try to leap straight into intimacy with them. This is a lot like eating fast food; sometimes it fills you up temporarily and statisfies cravings, but in the end, it leads to dis-ease. I have discovered the people I love most move slowly with things; they spend a lot of time alone, processing their thoughts and working on themselves, they often spend a lot of time meditating, doing yoga or some type of art; I think I need more of each of these things in my life, in order to balance myself and become both fully human and fully animal.

I need someone to keep reminding me of these decisions and the things I want to improve. I'm glad I left Portland, I think this was a wise decision and in the end, I'll be closer to the woman I want to be.

Love ya,
Carrot