A part of me told myself i never wanted to know him. Another part of me said that I should make an effort to make contact with him so that i can have what everyone calls "closure".
I am 25 years old and have found myself regretting wasting my time trying to connect with the one person who rejected me my entire life.
There are plot holes in my life that i have been desperately trying to put together by learning about my father. I am now realizing that this is a lost cause.
He denied me since birth and fled to Canada before i was born was the only bit of information i have learned about him.
When i contacted him through (surprise surprise) Facebook... i was scared and shocked more than anything.
At first i told myself "FINALLY"! and then realized i shouldn't be so quick to excite...
I wrote him an email telling him my brutally honest feelings. I told him that i hated him, that he ruined my life, that i am living in poverty and i could really use the $18,000+ he owes in child support he refused to pay... it was to no avail.
He wrote me back.
Only to tell me he couldn't tell me the truth. He was afraid.
Where do i go from here? I'm not wanting to keep trying to maintain a relationship with this stranger, but part of me wants to know even a slight hint of my biological history... my baby book is half empty and there is only one signature on my birth certificate... I realize that i'm not alone at all on this... but where and when do i find that supposed closure i need in my life? I can't get rid of his DNA from my body, so where do i go from here?
I spoke to my father for the first time the other day.
By againinsolitary - Posted on September 13th, 2009
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Sad story but I hope you don't let it be the end of the story. It's time to move on. Too many people allow the circumstances of their childhood to be a life-long excuse for everything that makes them unhappy or as an excuse for failure. Don't be one of them! You are now an adult and it is time to suck it up and move past your unfortunate history and take personal responsibility for your own life.
You are only 25 and with a little luck you are not even close to being half done. It is way too early for you to be declaring your life "ruined".
My advice to you is to accept what you just got as closure. Your biological father lacked the courage and the character to take any responsibility for his own actions and his own progency. How much MORE do you need to know about someone like that?
That chapter of your life should be closed and it is time to get on with the happy ending. YOU get to write that chapter and there is no reason to let your father have any say in how the story turns out.
...because it will eat you up inside. Sounds like you have a lot of furstration towards your father, and I can understand why. But writing him and telling him how much you hate him and how you need money is not going to help the situation. Bringing closure will satisfy you much more. Instead, tell him how hurt you've been, how you've always wanted to meet him, how he was never there. That's more damaging, and will actually make him realize more, than just saying I HATE YOU AND I NEED MONEY THAT YOU OWE. Think if the situation was reversed. How would you feel if you got a message like that? Mad or remorseful? More mad right? You want him to understand you, not look past you. He is wrong himself, for not being there, for not owning up to his responsibilities. But you can't live in the past sweetie, either pick up it up now, or leave it alone and keep moving forward. Thats the best advice I can offer you. But don't dwell on this, don't let anger, pain, rage engulf you. It will do you no good. You must find peace within yourself. Cry, because it will help. But do not let this sutation define who you really are.
Kimberlee Hanamura