So I'm feeling sad and disappointed today because I'm realizing I most likely won't be able to raise the 1,500 I still need to go to Africa with the African Birth Collective. I also feel horrible, because the other 1,500 was given to me by a friend who won a lawsuit because he broke his back while working, and I already paid that part and it is non-refundable.
Oh well, it is pretty white priviaged to just go to Africa on a whim anyway; I've already been once to Malawi, and for a young, poor person, this is pretty amazing. I sometimes rely on magical thinking, and sometimes this works out for me, but sometimes, (like now it seems, unless somehow in the next two weeks I come up with the money,) this doesn't work for me. In fact, I'm starting to realize that most of my life has been held together with magical thinking and good luck, but this seems to be running out.
I think I'm gonna move back to Upstate New York and live with one of my sisters and work my butt off until I can get the money back together to pay off the money I owe Birthingway; I realized this should be a top priority as well before running off to Africa. Birthingway was a great school for me, I learned a ton of useful stuff and grew a lot as a person.
Portland isn't working out for me anymore; I can't seem to find work and our house has desolved into this place of madness and violence; last night some of my housemates took axes to the inside of the house and smashed up walls, the washing machine and our communal computer; I can't live like that anymore.
I think Upstate New York is the best option for me right now; I can see myself being at least calm and safe there for the time being.
Love to everyone,
Carrot
