Today I decided that I would finish [at least some] of my college essays.
So far, that hasn't happened.
I got frustrated, and I quit. That was about an hour ago. Went back to surfing the net, hoping that I would be "inspired," and this site popped up in my stream of consciousness. It has been completely out of my memory since November, practically a lifetime ago. I'm not good at keeping up with diaries/blogs/writing, so it'll probably be another ten months until my next post. But I've changed tremendously since last fall. I'd like to think I'm less self-righteous and insecure. I'd like to think I've smartened up and matured. I experienced some interesting events this summer and learned some valuable lessons the hard way: If you have to fabricate an entire other story for a night you're about to have, then it probably won't end well. When it's 11:30pm, know where you're going before you agree to drive someone who "totally just lives right down the street from you, man." Always come to a complete stop, do not just slow down, even if you do not have a stop sign. Do not be afraid to open up to your closest friends; you'll feel loads better afterwards. Never apologize when it's not your fault. If you can't/don't want to do something with your friends, just say no; don't string them along with maybes. Don't freak about anything; it may seem like the end of the world, but it isn't; you're still breathing, aren't you? Everything really does works out in the end.
It also left me with some questions, about whether to stay at my job and about the type of people I associate with, about the depth of my loneliness and my immaturity and my judgement. On the surface, I feel absolutely wonderful. My senior year is shaping up to be an incredible experience, and I feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in God knows how long. I [hope] have found my real friends. But I'm also feeling lost and completely lacking creativity. I don't know what to do about the feelings I seem to have developed for the friend I've known for years but lost contact with for a long time until this summer. He's got some baggage, and I don't think I could deal with that right now. The feelings have been weakening, but in the moments where I feel vulnerable and lonely, facebooking him is an awfully seductive idea. As for my creative mojo, it's been M.I.A., which is extraordinarily inconvenient considering I'm in a high-level art class this year and I need to really shine through my college essays. I was so much more imaginative when I was feeling depressed, haha. Oh well, maybe this will have acted as a nice exercise to get my mind churning. This is such a random post, it hasn't introduced any productive, intellectual ideas and resembles a tween [is that what we call them now?] diary. I shouldn't even post it, stealing away two minutes of your life that you'll never get back. Maybe I'll go grab my sketchbook and completely ignore my essays for another couple of hours.
"How would you benefit and contribute to such a [diverse] environment?" Ha. I don't know. You win this round, college.
