I am ready to live in my town again.
I returned here 5 months ago. My mind went on a long vacation. I am living happily, after having decided to leave a violent situation. When these occur in a young life, it is like all rational thought takes a permanent pause.
Only now do I realize how completely I lost all my personal interests, all my personal views… There was a person years ago who made sure that one by one, all my friends disappeared because he ruled my life. Two years ago, just like that, I walked away… It took me 5 years to get to that point. I just realized one day, I will not have these young, lively, “good-looking” years forever. Why do I want to spend them crying everyday? Why would I want to live in fear of what someone would do to me…
There are still things I will not do since I came back home to live… I went away to live and grow and relax in the country for a year & a half. And now I’m back to my stomping grounds, I will not work in environments that remind me of that period in my life.
I am not yet able to hang around the places in our beach town where he and I always went. Luckily while I was away living with a friend, hangin’ around horse farms there, my family here, located inland as well, about 20 minutes from where I grew up. So it’s still home, but it’s not the saddening parts of home. At only 5 months, and just beginning the therapy and healing process – from dependency, from post-traumatic stress of abuse, and depression etc. – I just will not put myself in a place where it would feel like I never left; never liberated myself or chose to save my own life.
Of course, this makes resuming to work difficult. (5 months no paycheck… Awesome. Uhm, no.)
But today I actually decided I might be ready for a baby step. I can return to the mall I grew up in. In considering places to look for work, I had to think carefully of where I would want to go everyday that would not have such a strong past-association. Abuser-d*uchebag and I hardly ever went to the mall, at least not as often as the beach or the city. So let’s give it a try… Let’s get on with the business of living!
Anyone who doubts that they can leave someone that they’re unhappy with; anyone who feels caught up in that cycle (as those who unfortunately romance abusers tend to…) you can actually do it. Even if it feels like death to do it, and if some days you really just do NOT know how you can rebuild your own independent life: Every time you achieve a step of growth, or courage, or when you are proud of the strength it took to leave, it was SO worth it.
Your life does not end when you leave a tense, difficult, unhappy and emotionally draining situation. Of course, you will see – slowly, if you just HANG ON – it was so worth it, to leave.
Choose You. Your future, your dreams… Not Him or Her.
