So...In the Meantime

So while the Creative Writing site is under construction (I am really REALLY hoping that that is the case and that it will be coming back soon) I have decided to use blogging instead to post my work and maybe get some feedback on it and well, get things out there and published so they don't just sit in journals, textbooks, binders, torn bits of paper, and random files in my computer. I will never become a writer if I keep things to myself.

So lately, I've been down--Oh side note, so I'm probably going to get personal now that I've started writing about writing, and that is a little freshman year of high school for me...see I was never into blogging, but my friends were, so my only knowledge of it is what I remember of theirs, which was mostly lists of all the things they hated about their lives, and why everything was so awful and how existential they were and what is the meaning of life and all that jazz, and well, I have a feeling that blogging is used for more productive purposes these days, anyway, regardless of that, I am going to have whine and moan sometimes just to explain my writing, because what I really want to know is whether I am conveying the feeling correctly. These are feelings that I'm sure many other people have experienced and as far as my poetry goes, I want to know whether people read it and go "yes! that's exactly how I felt!" So anyway, I guess I'm forewarning and explaining so I don't seem like some crazy emotional super sensitive poetry writer, I try to write about feelings in a way that separates myself from it. I try to write about the emotion itself, not my personal situation necessarily, so not all my "I"s are me. Okay, so rambling, but anyway, the plan is to post as many poems as I can with little blurbs about where they came from, so that I can see if I'm making any sense....which so far in the blog...I'm not doing so well. What can I say? If you listened to me talk in person, I'm a tangent girl and I'm a fast talker so sometimes I write like I talk.

So ANYWAY, I've been down lately. It's been one of those weird times, when after so many months of being happily independent and alone, suddenly you feel how lonely you're everyday life has become, and of course the second you start wanting companionship, what happens? Everyone around you suddenly seems to be struck by Cupid, while you sit there and watch them turn down opportunities that you would kill for. So I was thinking about this, sitting in my car, unable to walk into my house quite yet (boy is that a feeling I think we've all had), and I was like okay, "what is it that you want in this moment? When we say we're lonely, when we're in need of companionship, when we think that's all it would take to make us happy, what is it that we really truly want?" The only phrase that came to my head while I was sitting there was, "I need a hand other than my own to hold."

And I liked the sound of that. So I started writing that inner monologue that leads up to that conclusion and all the things we go through when we're praying for something to happen in our lives, something we can't do for ourselves...I started writing down all those thoughts that race through our maniac minds because we feel so desperate. And this is what came out.

'LONE

I have never prayed for anything more than this
I have never felt so desperate in every bone in my body
As if the vibrations of my very breathe could inspire heaven to gift me with what I cannot seem to have

I rarely ask the cosmos for anything so petty
I seem to be pretty good at doing most everything else on my own
Success, money, general well being
Seem to be things I can handle
But what seems to be the most important thing of all
Is something I cannot do.

This is something you can't try at
This is something you can't practice
This is something that won't come with hard work and a little sweat
You can't look for it, you can't pay for it, you can't sign up for it
This is something you have to wait for
Until whatever ties this earth together decides to grant you that chance

And what is it anyway?
This thing
This thing that gets to decide
Who gets love
Who gets more love
Without thinking of who needs it the most

So many
So many
So many with love
So many
So many
So many
Who take it for granted

And it is always those
Who need it to keep going
Who need the reassurance that life is okay
Who are left wondering what they did wrong

I see people move from partner to partner
Like trying on new shoes
Like its some game
Some right of life
To be able to pick and choose which paths to venture on

But what paths are presented to me?

I can't watch another friend throw away the chance at love
I can't watch another friend shy away from a good man who loves her
I can't watch them waste what I have only dreamed of.

I promise
I promise
I won't mess it up this time
I know you put it in my hands once
You gave me the chance to show you that I was ready
And I messed up
I know I did
But I promise
I promise

I won't mess it up again

You see
I need it
I need it
I need it so bad
I need someone there to tie me to the ground
I need someone there to force me to stay alive
Someone to say,
"See? You have to survive. Because I need you. Because I am here now. You can't run away anymore. You can't slip away anymore. You can't be invisible anymore. Because I will always see you."

It doesn't have to be those exact words
It doesn't have to be someone so grand
So pure
I know no one is that selfless
But someone
Someone
Who for once doesn't want me
As a tally
As a score
As a trophy
Someone who wants me to be alive
Someone who wants nothing more but to put my hair behind my ears
And tighten their grasp around my shoulders and stand there with me
Whether I am smiling
Or crying
Or laughing
Or barely able to stand on my own

I am getting so tired
So tired
So tired
Of feeling like I am going to float away like a balloon
Like no one's holding the string that was supposed to tether
That one day I'm just going to fly away
Alone
Because nobody was there to care either way

I am so tired
So tired
So tired
Of being the only one in these sheets
Of having only my clothes caress me
Of hearing only my own voice in my head
Of spending so many minutes of the day in silence
Having intimate conversations with myself

There is so much space between me and the other people of this earth

I need a hand other than my own to hold.