Many people have asked me over the years what i have thought about dating. And many people sneer at my answer. They think that my view of the subject is old fashioned and can't be done. I believe that dating is a tool for when you are ready to get married. I don't see the benefit of going on pointless dates with one guy one week and then another guy the next week. The emotional roller-coaster of dating is not worth it. It distracts you from things that are really important during your teen years.
1. School - Many girls that i have seen get so enthralled with a boy that they think only about the boy and little else. Their grades start to slip because they are too distracted to study. They don't get sufficient sleep because of the late night calls and then can't focus the next day at school. Your high school grades are so important for your future career. It is important to focus on school.
2. Relationships - During your high school, it is important to build relationships that will last. I have seen first hand, that when a girl has her boyfriend, thats all she talks about. Her friends giggle and support her at the beginning, but then they start to realize that - it's really annoying. Friendships that she should be building are being destroyed for a guy - and how long is the guy going to be there for her. Relationships with family and friends are SO VERY important to build now so that down the road you won't be sitting alone wishing you could talk to someone.
3. Us as females - usually (not always) dating and breaking up has a deeper emotional toll on girls rather than guys. Girls tend to give more of who they are away during each relationship. We will change our eating habits, our fashion sense, our political and spiritual views just to agree with whoever we are dating. What does this mean to us down the road? We may find that the day comes that we don't even know who we are. The man that is made for you is interested in YOU and who you are. There will plenty of opportunity for growth and change as a married couple. We certainly don't need to do it for some guy who won't be around very long.
I am almost 19 and i have never dated and I am still a virgin. I pray for my future husband everyday that he will be the same way, that he is waiting for me as i am waiting for him. There is a song that says "what if your prince comes riding in while your kissing a frog, what's he gunna think then. So look into his eyes, are you a princess or a fly..."
Wait, you won't miss out on anything....
In that you shouldn't date to learn about someone, just to have fun, for revenge, or any other reason. I only date a girl that I can be with for a long period of time, not neccesarily forever, but I want it to be serious. I hate blow-away relationships, it can hurt both people and cause a lot of unnecessary drama. And I'm pretty sure everyone can agree with that.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Put your best foot forward, just watch what you step in..."
As a member of the male... species... I totally agree with you. And like you, I don't think my views about this are in the mainstream. As a college student, I see two things that disturb me: firstly, people only "date" for the sex (better known as a fling). I think that, as a result of people not taking dating seriously anymore, marriages today are getting shorter and shorter and less faithful. People don't take the time while dating to get to know someone for the purpose of potentially marrying them so that when they do get married, it's far more likely to end with a divorce, domestic abuse, or infidelity.
On the other hand is the second thing that disturbs me. I was alarmed when I was told by multiple sources at my college that some girls only go to college (especially preppy "country club" schools like mine) to find husbands. Education is secondary to them. I think people need to take dating more seriously for the future of their own relationships and for their own self respect.
thank you so much for responding, i kind of feel alone in this subject :)
Since both comments were male and completely agreed with you, I feel the need to comment.
I'm a woman, and I respect your decision, but I must admit I'm a bit confused with the reasons.
I must admit, during high school there is no need to be thinking about this, and it is quite frustrating how some women are willing to leave everything for whoever they feel that might be Prince Charming (even when he turns out to be a frog in the end).
However, i think dating for the sake of dating is an enriching experience. I'm not talking about flings, I'm not talking about having sex, making out or anything of the like.
Dating helps you to know people, new ones and old. You have to be prepared though for the fact that it might just end up being just friends, or that things just might not work out.
I agree there is someone out there who will love you just as you are, and you should be willing to love him just as he is. This is one of the most important things in a relationship. You should never change who you are and what you do for no one (male, female, spouse, friend or even family!) You change for you. Because you want it and you feel you need it.
But if there is someone out there, how will you know unless you are actually out there?
The thing that most troubled me with what you said is:
I pray for my future husband everyday that he will be the same way, that he is waiting for me as i am waiting for him. There is a song that says "what if your prince comes riding in while your kissing a frog, what's he gunna think then. So look into his eyes, are you a princess or a fly..."
If he loved you how you are then it doesn't matter who you kissed before. if the man you pray for happens to be someone who did not wait, would you love him any less?
These are things that you need to be prepared for, and I truly admire you for wanting to wait for that special someone. Just be careful, and remember that a knight in shining armor may turn out to be a loser covered with tin foil. Let go of that idea of the perfect someone somewhere just for you. Someone will come, and someone will love you, but he's not an idea.
That is a really good question, about if he did not wait. The answer to your question is no, i would not love him any less. If he really was the right one for me. If a guy that has made mistakes in the past, but has proven that those mistakes are behind him, thats good. But if the guy has made mistakes and is living in his mistakes and the girl comes along and says "but i can fix him", thats when its wrong. Most of the time the guy doesn't change, the girl does.
Dating can tell you a lot about what you want in a person. Things I thought were important to me before bother me less than what I expect in a person.
And things I thought I would want have turned out to be less than desirable in my opinion. So yes, you need to make sure you are mature enough to date, and other relationships should not take a back seat when you are with someone, but dating can be fun and informative about who you are and what is right for you in a person. Because like archaeoalon said, would you love your future husband less if he was not a virgin? Because maybe you would because of negative experiences you have had with boyfriends who had had sex before you came along.
Like what you've read? Well, then here's more:
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/tricia0711
For me, i wouldn't date to get to know some one. I would go to group activities with the person i am interested in and then get to know them then. And then if i learned that i really liked him i would then date.
dating is a tool for when you are ready to get married
So if dating is, as you say, a tool to get married. Then once you learn you like him and starting dating him that means that you're thinking he's someone you would marry?
I think this has a more detrimental effect than dating random people.
Archaeoalon
PS.
I am glad that your answer was that you would not love less someone who would not be as exactly as you pictured.
That was totally awsome! People need to open their eyes and see what they are actually doing to themselves. They need to stop giviong away peices of themselves and starts saving them to see who they really are.
I had this same attitude when I was in high school. Why date anyone only to break up a week later? Why date anyone you couldn't see yourself getting married to? Why get involved with a guy who probably only wants you for your T&A?
Then I got contacts; I felt a hundred times prettier. In senior year, I straightened my hair and people looked at me differently. I tried a new acne medicine and my face got clearer than it had ever been before. I honed in on my makeup technique and with some new clothes, I started to actually look decent. Guys started to ask me out, and I had my first serious bf at 18. Wasn't the best choice, but he got my feet wet at least.
You mentioned your virginity. I had sex for the first time at 18 - I just wanted to get it out of the way. Not because I was ashamed to still be a virgin, but because I was ready to know what it felt like. I made the choice for myself, because despite what all the matrons in your family and all the men who think they can control you, your virginity doesn't mean anything. You can put meaning to it (mostly religious doctrine that equates it with purity), but in the end, all the myths and beliefs about purity are based on the fact that virgins (1) don't carry diseases, (2) that if you marry a virgin then you know there are no other children by her who can claim your estate, and mostly, (3) virgins are typically young - and men like nothing better than a young, impressionable little rosebud who won't say no because they don't have any experience and will follow blindly. Some people see virginity as something sacred, I see it as something that controls, and I'm glad I'm rid of it.
I admire your beliefs, I think that getting to know someone while doing something you mutually enjoy (like an anime club meeting or volunteering for the animal clinic), is the best way to ensure that you'll meet someone you have something in common with. I think you are being a bit naive though, because you think that boyfriends are something completely different than friends. No one just goes up to someone and says "let's be BFF's" unless they are under 5. Same with boyfriends; you get to know the guy first, then ask him out if you like him; maybe you won't like him once you get to know him better, so you break up. No big deal. People lose friendships all throughout their lifes, and just because you are dating doesn't mean you have to have sex or stay together forever if you do.
Dating is emotionally straining but also very rewarding once you find a nice guy. I'm not going to worry about you too much, because I know once you get out there you will grow up a bit and figure these things out for yourself. Best of luck to you and your future husband!
Wow you have gone to a great length to justify your choice. I am sorry you can't take it back, but it sounds like you are handling it well. Please remember, you don't have to continue down a path you regret. Spreading pieces of you from male to male only costs you. That is something you can stop.
My choice and my desire is to present myself pure and untouched by any other man, to my husband. What a wonderful gift to give. I don think it is naivety, I think it is just waiting to gain the experience, you sought after so hard in High School.
You make some good cautionary arguments against dating - it can overwhelm school, friendship, and self-identity. But for people like Paperhat, dating is worth it. They can date without losing sight of the (other) important stuff or losing pieces of themselves. A healthy relationship adds valuable new dimensions to your identity.
Your reply to Paperhat treats sex like a disease or crime... this attitude, the desire to present yourself "pure and untouched" and the optimistic view of marriage, is truly bizarre and old fashioned. You can't expect God to play matchmaker for you - it takes trial and error to figure out what you want from a relationship and how to get it, and you will probably regret it if you marry the first guy you date. Think about all the bickering and soul-crushing hostility of dysfunctional couples - aren't you worried that will be you in ten years?
I'm a virgin too but for me that is a failure, not a choice. Being single sucks and I don't wish it on anyone. If Cinderella does show up anytime soon I will probably be mediocre in bed and generally awkward. I'm happy with my college degree (class of '09 woot woot!) and my friendships but I regret waiting till college to broaden my interests and begin getting over my fear of women. If relationships come naturally to you, that's fantastic and I envy you.
I'm sorry you see the gift of virginity a failure. I don't know you so I can't say why you have remained as such without it being a moral issue. As for me, I will not marry the first man I date, I'm sure. People need time to get to know one another, that is not what my point was. My point was I would not date before I was ready to get married. I have personal standards that will have to be met by me and Prince Charming.
One thing, we are mostly attracted to those like our parents, the parent that is opposite of us. I hope you like your father because this is what Prince Charming will be like, hopefully a lot younger.
Let love be you mentor!
My mother is a bad person!
This was supposed to be a reply!
Wow you have gone to a great length to justify your choice. I am sorry you can't
take it back, but it sounds like you are handling it well. Please remember, you don't have to continue down a path you regret.
I don't know her, but I don't think she regretted her decision. Her perception of virginity is very different from yours.
In fact, she says:
Some people see virginity as something sacred, I see it as something that controls, and I'm glad I'm rid of it.
I think that's just as empowering as practicing abstinence.
Archaeoalon
Pulling together is the aim of despotism and tyranny. Free men pull in all kinds of directions. It’s the only way to make progress.
A prince, in many ways is someone who drops (dumps) after having lost the fear of sexual intercourse.
There are many songs amongst, learn to know it all and rule your horse!
"How long is the guy going to be there for her!"
Why pursue any (trust) answer to such a question?
:-()
A Price, of course, is defined to one's own highest standards.
I don't see the benefit of going on pointless dates with one guy one week and then another guy the next week. The emotional roller-coaster of dating is not worth it.
I agree. I find pointless dating to be stupid. But, having been in a really serious relationship before, I can't see how dating someone for a week would create an emotional roller-coaster... you don't even have a chance to really feel anything about the person.
1. School - Many girls that i have seen get so enthralled with a boy that they think only about the boy and little else. Their grades start to slip because they are too distracted to study. They don't get sufficient sleep because of the late night calls and then can't focus the next day at school. Your high school grades are so important for your future career. It is important to focus on school.
I should hope this continues into college, but I was in a relationship for part of high school and most of college. One relationship. I didn't lose sleep, nor did my grades slip (well, they slipped after we broke it off, but there was a lot more going on than just the break-up). Relationships don't necessarily mean bad things for school, and you're pretty naive if you think otherwise.
And once you get into college, no one cares about high school anymore. Just saying.
2. Relationships - During your high school, it is important to build relationships that will last. I have seen first hand, that when a girl has her boyfriend, thats all she talks about. Her friends giggle and support her at the beginning, but then they start to realize that - it's really annoying. Friendships that she should be building are being destroyed for a guy - and how long is the guy going to be there for her. Relationships with family and friends are SO VERY important to build now so that down the road you won't be sitting alone wishing you could talk to someone.
My high school relationships are some of the most superficial relationships I have ever had. I can't think of one person from high school that I talk to on a regular basis, and I have one girl from middle school that I talk to on a regular basis. I'm now over a year out of college, and I only speak to a handful of people from college as well (though they're really good friends). My closest friends aren't from school; they're people I interacted with outside of an academic setting, because you tend to be more of yourself when you're outside that setting. So, I don't think high school is really the best place to build lifelong relationships. Granted, some people will stay friends with their high school pals for life. Most people won't, though. A ton of change happens once you go off to college. Priorities change, and people change.
Girls tend to give more of who they are away during each relationship. We will change our eating habits, our fashion sense, our political and spiritual views just to agree with whoever we are dating.
People will change during a real relationship, but it's not always because they want to 'agree' with whoever they are dating. Case in point. I started dating a guy when I was 16 (less than a month from being 17). I was very insecure with myself, and very reserved. I came off as very selfish and arrogant, just because I had a hard time interacting with people. Because of that relationship, I lost weight (I was overweight, so that was a good thing), I got a ton of self confidence, and I showed more of how i felt, rather than standing there aloof and arrogant. I didn't make this change intentionally, but I didn't change to suit anyone, either. And it's a change for the better. That's what a good relationship will do for you, whether it's romantic relationship or a friendship.
Wait, you won't miss out on anything....
While I'm certainly not advocating for you to go out and date 30 guys, have sex with them all, etc, I don't think you'll be all that much better off if you only date the guy you plan to marry. The aforementioned relationship I was in, I got in because I really liked the guy, but we both acknowledged that due to the circumstances we were in that it wouldn't last long. It lasted over 3 1/2 years. The next date I went on was with a guy my coworkers set me up with; that lasted all of 3 dates. Mostly because he kinda creeped me out.
~C
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personally your view on dating is quite interesting and definitely the opposite or my friends here at home. im a virgin myself, but i love being outgoing, not only with friends but dates too. i feel like as teenagers we should go on dates. sometimes it helps a person. i mean, you can really learn alot about youself while being in the presence of another human. love is all around us and i feel like dating helps keep us full of energy and social. i wouldnt wanna be in on a friday night studying while all my friends are out speed dating or something like that. life is about taking risks and having fun. you jhuss need to know how much. thats the key (=