Actions Mean More Than Feelings

This is going to be a very short blog both because I’m pressed for time and because I want to avoid very long tangents – which I have a tendency to fall into. Instead, I would prefer that this post act as a starting point for further discussion on the matter(s) discussed, but enough with the preamble.

The postmodern conception of love is a strange one. The idea is based almost entirely on the idea that we “feel” love and it is, and ought to be, held within an emotional sphere. From this conception stems proclamations of love towards, say, a favoured sort of candy or perhaps a song – or, if the moment’s right, a person. However, there is something odd about all of this: there seems to be no real deeper meaning. When people now tend to say they love someone, they’re often speaking about their feelings and not about the other person: they’re saying, “you make me feel good right now” instead of “I value you.” This can be very misleading and, in the worst of cases, can lead to entire relationships being based entirely on what is essentially a hoax. Imagine (and it shouldn’t be very hard) a situation where a man beats his wife and she not only forgives him, but fights for him against her friends and family because he says he loves her. This isn’t love, is it? But the misogynist is using the same sort of love I hear most people using today.

I suggest, instead, that love ought to be defined through action over feeling. (Although not with a complete lack of feeling, either.) When we say, “I love you” we ought to mean “I act in a manner that is loving towards you” and, “I am motivated by more than what is perhaps a fleeting feeling to act in such a way.” This newly furnished phrase can no longer be earnestly used in abusive relationships, but can only be applied to those in which both participants act upon their values. This is begging the question, however, “what values ought one have for love?” While I don’t want to pull a Kant and describe a system with no content, I also think that the answer to that is not an easy one nor within the scope of the blog. The main point I want to get across is when we use the word “love” we should keep in mind some set of positive values we’re (rationally) persuaded by instead of some ambiguous ineffable feeling. The most unfortunate part about this whole dilemma is that my latter description is nothing new, but when a person says the former version a listener (or even the speaker themselves) may often presume the latter. I think that this is based on a large number of various factors, but let’s see what comes of this so far.