Depression & Suicide attempts made me who I am today!

As I sit on my couch, I have tears coming out my eyes! Not because I am sad, but because I am loved!!! I am loved by so many and I never had a clue of it all! I am loved by people who I came in contact with while I was locked away in mental hospital for children and adolscents SEVEN times! I am loved by God who is my strength!!

If this isn't your first time that you have read one of my blogs, then you probably know a lot of my story!

Around 2 years ago, I wanted to die! There was nothing for me to live for, not friends, not family, not myself! Nothing!!! I felt as if everyone would be better without me! I felt that God didn't care about me and if so, then why was he putting me through all the things I was going through! 2 years ago, I locked myself away in my room, making it dark as can be! I didn't care about eating, and when I did eat, I would throw my food back up! I didn't care about school, it felt like everytime I went to school they were sending me home, telling me that I was unstable! Telling me that I needed to go to the doctor! Or I was sitting in the couselor's office crying...never knowing what I was really crying for! Two years ago, I didn't excpect to be sitting here today typing this blog!

I tried killing myself several times, telling everyone that I was okay, I cut my arms up, started cutting my legs up and the doctors told me that my scares would never go away! Today, I sit here typing this without one scar on my arm or leg that I put there on purpose! There is not one mark on my body that repersents suicide, depression, cutting...etc...

God has healed me in such a way that no man could do. I never had cream for my arms to fade the scars! I never cared if they went away because I continually put more there!

About 3 nights ago, I searched on facebook for a lady that helped me in the hospital so much! This lady always told me that she could see something greater in me! This lasy use to bring me this book to read that her father gave her when she was having a hard time! I couldn't find her, I searched for like 2 hours! I searched because I was looking through and old yearbook that I took to the hospital with me and in it she wrote "I am the first to write in your crack!" I got upset because I wanted to find her and thank her for everything she has done for me.

Last night, my roommates and I had dinner together and had a few friends over! After dinner, I happened to log on facebook and I had a friend request from her and she sent me a message asking how I was doing...etc. I started crying! I was amazed! I was amazed becuase she has worked with thousands of kids but she found me, she thought of me, she remembered me! I felt so loved and it amazed me how I was just searching for this women!

If you ever feel like you are not loved, you really are! There is someone out there who loves you and God will always love you no matter your faults!