No more poetry and pirates in my bed..

I'm sad that relationships can't seem to last these days; that time and time again, I find myself in abusive siduations where I'm being used; either for free childcare, or for sex, or as a sort of fifties housewife type; and just when I think I've bucked all of these stereotypes and just when I promise myself "I'll never do that again," I find myself doing that again..I seem to be attracted to abusive people with problems, I seem to be attracted to misery and abuse. I don[t really know why...I was most likely sufficently loved as a child, I had a decient childhood, I'm well educated, but my self-esteem is low, I feel ugly and unloveable much of the time, and I find people with really bad habits much more attractive then people without for some reason; people who talk down to me, who have addictions, who use and abuse me; these are the people I'm most attracted to.

As a person doing "rewilding" part of what I'm trying to do is really sort out what is healthy for me and what isn't, which are patterns of behavior learned because of our yucky civilization and which are real, authentic ways I want to be. I think cowering to men, especially abusive men is one of those things that I've learned from this civilization, and one thing I definately want to unlearn, a pattern I want to break. I grew up seeing my mom cower with my dad, just so she could have the financial security of being with him (she still does, he's amazingly abusive to her, so I guess I shouldn't be suprised that I repeat this pattern in my own life,) so I don't want to continue this pattern with myself, especially if I should have any children someday, because I wouldn't want them to learn to let themselves be abused.

I know the sort of partner I should be looking for, the kind of partner who would actually serve me well; he would probably be country born and raised, just as I have been, so he would be ok with living rurally. He'd be interested in small scale agriculture and sustainable living, probably a bearded, carhart wearing guy, a guy who likes traveling, trainhopping, hitchhiking, adventure, but who is also happy with a very slowly paced life; a guy just as interested in watching the radish tops grow as adventure; a person who wants to watch my belly grow with new human life as much as skinning roadkill animals and hearing my stories about midwifery adventures.

I had an ex I hadn't heard from for over a year call me the other day; he said one of the last letters I sent to him said "I'm looking for my loinclothed man..." Well, that hasn't changed, I'm still looking for that guy. I say guy, but a loinclothed woman who loved those things would work for me as well, I guess I should say person. I need someone who laughs a lot, cries a lot, likes to bathe with me and find waterfalls to stand under together. I need someone who perfers the woods and meadows to the city streets, someone who perfers standing barefoot in their garden to all dressed up at a hipster bar; someone whose ultimate idea of a good time is a bonfire in the backyard with friends.

I want someone who wants to listen to coyotes howling with me at night; someone who wants to sleep under the stars and watch bats. I want someone who makes acorn flour with me, who hunts along side me in Upstate New York for venison to feed ourselves throughout the winter months. I want someone who loves squash and watermelon, sunbonnets and bicycles and mushroom hunts, someone who isn't scared of herbal medicine and energy healing, someone who knows how to make a bow-drill fire, how to recognize flint, someone who can tell time by the sun, with clean teeth and filthy clothes, I want someone with callosed feet and callosed hands, a tan body and a love for poetry by Walt Whitman....

Can I find this magical person? Does he or she exist?

We shall see....

Love ya,
Carrot