So, this happened awhile ago, and I thought about writing about it at the time, but had no time.
I was working at the hospital when my supervisor called me to do a lobby evaluation of a girl who had walked in with her parents. The parents were concerned because the girl had an argument with her boyfriend and threatened to jump off the top floor of a parking structure in Fashion Island. She had come in a week prior, and was denied inpatient treatment.
So, I went up to the lobby to see whether or not the girl met criteria for inpatient hospitalization as a danger to herself. I asked to speak to the girl first. She was 17, pretty, and intelligent. She was a little disheveled, and explained to me that she had barely woken up when her parents decided to shove her in the car and take her here. She was very anxious, sweating, trembling, and fidgeting with her hair.
I asked her what was going on. Basically, she had been dating a boy for a year or so, and he broke up with her and started seeing someone else. This other girl was in many of her AP classes, and was being really mean to her. She would text her nasty messages, about what a "ho" she was, and to stay away from her man. She would whisper about her to other kids, and my patient was just overwhelmed, trying to do well in school and all.
I tried to get more background. I found out that she has always been a top student, and that she was also a model when she was younger. She had done some TV commercials, and has made enough money to go to any university she wants, and more. I then made note of how thin she was. She shared that she couldn't eat, that she was too anxious and food made her feel sick. She shared that she had gained weight a couple years back, and her parents got worried that she wouldn't be able to get work. She attributed her weight gain to taking Zoloft, and so she took herself off of it after her parents made an issue of her weight. Her goal now was to get out of her home and go to boarding school. She cried, "I can afford it, I just need to get away from them."
I asked more about the boyfriend and she talked about how it was hard, but her main issue was with how she was being treated at school. She didn't want to have to see him anymore, or the people who knew about her situation. She adamantly denied feeling suicidal or wanting to hurt herself. She said, "I just want to get away from it all." She then explained how her parents constantly fought about her, and what was best for her. She said, "they want me to talk about it, but I don't want to, and when I do, they just get more upset." She explained how her parents had gone to the school principle demanding that something be done about the boy and the other girl, and how this only made things worse.
At that point, I thought my job was done. She did not meet criteria for involuntary hospitalization, but she did have problems. She would need referrals to outside sources.
I asked her to leave the room, and I invited her parents in. Her mom was a nurse at Hoag, the same hospital where I gave birth to my own daughter. Both parents were obese, and were very anxious. Her father was shaking, posturing somewhat aggressively. He wanted to know, "What are you going to do with her? She is a basket case, we can't handle her, she needs help. This boy has her all screwed up. We just want her to get through high school, We can't have this!"
I had to orient him to the reality of the situation. I said, "the question that we need to answer right now is whether or not your daughter is a danger to herself. She might need help, but if she is not suicidal this is not the appropriate place to get it." He got very heated, began pounding his fists on the table, yelling, "This boy has ruined our lives! She is a smart girl and she needs to get through this senior year. How is she supposed to do that with all this crap?" Her mother chimed in with, "What do we do?"
I started to attempt to explain that their daughter felt responsible for their fighting. both of them began shaking their heads, and began screaming at each other. Her dad started ranting about how he needed to confront her teachers and make them make the girl leave her alone. Her mother got upset, screaming, "Don't you get it, You're the problem!" and stormed out. The next thing I know, the girl is in the room again, crying hysterically, "What the hell is going on? Mom just said that its my fault that we made this big scene. I can't handle you guys anymore. If I have to go home with you, I would rather die! That's right, if I have to kill myself to get away from you, then that's what I will do!"
At that point, my job was again finished. She now met criteria, so I put her on a 5150. All of a sudden mom didn't want this and tried to use her power as a nurse to make a fuss. "Can't she go to Hoag where I work, and where her doctor is?" GEEZUZ lady, you are a piece of work, I thought. "Hoag does not have an adolescent psych unit, and since you brought into our lobby for an evaluation, and she meets criteria, I cannot legally release her." Boo-yah.
I talked to the girl alone again. I said to her, "Wow, it seems like your parents have a problem listening." She said, "Yeah, I can't say anything without them screaming at each other." I said, "It seems to me that you would probably be able to deal with the stuff at school and your ex boyfriend if you were allowed to deal with it on your own. With your parents making it their problem, you have a hard time dealing with it. I don't think this is about the boy at all." She answered me, "Yes, and thank you for saying that. You are the professional, and obviously you understand better than they do."
So I wrote the hold, advised the parents, and walked her back to the unit. I gave her the tour, explained the rules and routine. She totally settled down and was even smiling. I asked her, "Do you feel safe here?" She answered, "Yes! I hope I can stay here for a long time."
Rarely does a patient so outwardly enjoy their experience. Many do, but they hide it. They act out on purpose in order to stay longer. This girl was genuine, and relieved. She felt like she had some room to breathe.
I remain disturbed and disgusted when I remember this child. She was an only child. They had set her up for success, music lessons, tutoring, modeling, etc. She was their meal ticket. They hated the boy because he threatened their livelihood. They had no idea how much they were torturing their own child. The kicker for me was when I tried to reflect to them just a small bit of the anxiety she was dealing with in regards to their own behavior, and the way they so quickly deflected it all back onto the boy and her school. Seriously, did they have no idea that they were they were the core of their child's suffering?
I ran into this and was really touched by the story. i am 17 and well i'm an ok student and i recently had a tough breakup. To this day it is killing m. i have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. my mom refuses to accept the face that this has happened to me. I hate living at home all she does is bug me about the little things. last night i hit a new low. I have relapsed to the place i was about 2 years ago. Its funny because like this girl my mother has not aknowledged the fact that i isnt really somthing i cxan deal with on my own. I am really struggling and i am glad that this girl can get away from her parents and the boy for a while because i know how hard this is
sometimes. What is so frustrating is that kids expect their parents to have the answers, and when they don't, kids feel alone and scared. What is worse are parents who live in denial about their kids problems and don't even seek outside help.
For you, I would suggest doing whatever you can to take care of yourself, regardless of your mother's feelings or actions. There are lots of places you can find support. You might consider asking your school counselor for referrals to support groups or therapists.
You said this started with a break up. A book that really helped me when i was younger was "Codependency No More" by Meldoy Beattie. Whether or not you think you might be codependent isn't the issue. It is a book that helps to put things into perspective between those things which we can control (ourselves) and those we cannot (others). In your case, both your ex and mother are outside of your control, so you need to focus on yourself. I wish you the best. Come back and let me know how things progress for you.
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What a very interesting story!! I really enjoyed reading this.
I think turtlesuds is telling a real life story which actually makes me sad because it reminds me of my own life.
The problem in my family is not this extreme but there have been times I seriously felt like I needed help. I did go to the ER back February 5th, 2009 because I had a huge migraine and thank god it was not serious. I am now trying to live without stress because I do not want these head aches. They stem from family problems, issues with living in America but being treated like I am in Pakistan.
I just hope you realize that this is not something people go through easily.
It is tough.
I felt odd reading that you enjoyed this story. You could just say thanks to turtlesuds for sharing this incident, and that you are happy that the girl got help.
“You cannot wean away an addict from the drug. It is not possible for me to walk away from Ranjha. If it is our destiny to be together then who, other than God, can change it?”
she's a spaceman, no walker, dreamer...maybe
I want to kill her parents. Ok, not really, but they're obviously the problem. I remember growing up one of the biggest shocks for me was that many other adults- supposed role models- were incompetent morons. I had always thought people got wiser when they got older. I realize now how wrong I was. I feel like I walk around and see people (usually no older than middle-aged) acting like they're still in high school- their primary and favorite form of entertainment is getting wasted on weekends, they get angry when other people tell them what to do, they gossip, cheat, and lie to get what they want, participate in "drama," and so on and so on. There is no maturity to be found in what are supposed to be mature people.
I used to look at the "bad" kids in my middle school classes and think, "Why are they like that? Their parents must have a lot of trouble with them." Looking back, it was probably their parents who encouraged their "bad" behavior and acted as horrible role models.
I think the incident you brought up here is becoming more and more common, and the trend will continue. Sigh... we're screwed.
that very few of my patients have "normal" parents. The worst ones have the craziest parents. I can count on one hand the number of patients I have had who had "healthy" families. With that said, some of the most difficult ones are those who have no parents, and are living in the foster care system. No matter how bad a parent is, most kids do better with their own parent than in foster care. Once a kid has no family, they have nothing to lose.
Sadly, I feel like the best approach is to try to get kids to take control of their own lives. This is why adolescence is so terribly difficult, well one of the reasons anyway. We tell them to be responsible and to make good choices, yet adults subject them to the negative consequences of their own actions, passing the buck. It is hard to tell a teenager to act like an adult when we still treat them like children.
I have felt many times, like I did with this girl, that if the parents were out of the situation for a while (a few months, not forever) kids could get some perspective. Poor kids have to wait till they're 18 to be able to make their own decisions, but by that time they have been subjected to 18 years of poor parenting. There is no magical switch that flips when a person turns 18 that makes them competent and mature adults.
Many kids actually fear their 18th birthday because they know they are totally unprepared to handle freedom. I think kids should be given more freedom to make choices, and to deal with the consequences of those choices on their own. By "forcing" them to make decisions that the parent likes, they never get to practice decision making, and critical thinking which is ultimately what good judgment is built on.
Even in the hospital, we tell them when to wake up, when to brush their teeth, when to eat, every aspect of their day is coordinated by someone else. They get punished if they don't do it the way they're supposed to. It is not surprising that many kids who have spent months to years in institutions like this have a hard time adjusting to society, where they are left to fend for themselves. This phenomenon is called "institutionalization" and also occurs in prisoners.
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(The following statement is just my opinion and is not founded in any medical training for I have received none.)
Sometimes they can be stupid. As I am sure that you know parents are just human and flawed. I think the problem with the parents of the girl you talked about in your blog is simply. They dislike change. This is a bad trait for a parent to have. I come to this conclusion based on the fact that the parents were so willing to blame the boy or the school. Those are things that have caused change in the recent history. Also the girls weight gain caused enough issue to get the girl to stop taking her medication and to lose the weight which she most likely did not need to lose in the first place to be healthy. They disguised the weight issue as 'you need to be able to get work'. I think that is only a half a thought. First the girl is gaining weight, next few jobs are being offered, then the girl become normal not a model, finale the parents have no more control over her. Also with the mother reaction to her daughter being stuck at your hospital had nothing to do with her daughter welfare but more to do with her mother's want to still have the control over her daughters life that she has had for years and was now slipping away.
(The above statement is just my opinion and is not founded in any medical training for I have received none.)
"Something given has no value"~Robert Heinlein
And if you're seeing lines in my writing that you feel you need to read between, they aren't there. ~N. Ledger
Your thoughts have some excellent insight. Control was the main issue, and the problem was the girl had none. Her parents wanted to control every aspect of her life. This is often what leads to eating disorders. When young girls feel completely out of control, they focus on their bodies, and by restricting food or by purging after eating, they satisfy an inner need to have some control. No matter what anyone does to them, they can control what goes through their bowels. It is very primal.
Not that this girl had an eating disorder, although she did say she couldn't stand to eat because her stomach was so upset due to her anxiety, which often happens. I think her hysteria at the end of her evaluation was her way of gaining some kind of control. She realized that her parents did not have control in this situation, and she gave me what I needed to take it away from them.
It's not just the change aspect that bothered them, but the fact that they had no control over it. I just can't believe how selfish they were. They said they wanted her to be happy and to get better, but they were totally unwilling to see how their behavior affected her. That is the part that makes me mad.
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Hmmm...My two short cents...
I think the parents are suffering from an inability to take responsibility for their actions, which in combination with their control freak behavior is severly inappropriate and 'killing' their daughter. Seriously I thought mine were bad but these people raise the bar to a whole new level!
The young adult is wanting and growing into her own control and most greatly wants to take responsibility for her actions and life. I am really glad she realized what was going on and gave you what you needed to help her. I actually think that (if this is the whole story) this girl will be an amazing adult especially if she breaks the chain her parents laid down.
Somehow this tale is encouraging.
There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic.~- Anais Nin
This reminds me of those beauty pageant moms who put their children through all these contests and glamour shots and auditions because they are living vicariously through their kids. These parents are so blind to what they are doing to their kids that they can hardly be called parents, now can they?
What's strange is that this title "I Want to Kill Your Parents" immediately made me think this was a blog about something that happened in my area in which a former classmate of mine, his brother, and his friend all conspired to kill the friend's mother. That was about three weeks ago.
People are just plain crazy.
with Gabriel Byrne on Showtime lately. It's a decent show. One of his patients is a little boy who is overweight. He is in junior high school and his parents are getting divorced. They constantly fight in front of him, and it is always about him. The boy feels like it is his fault that they are getting divorced. The parents are constantly criticizing each others' decisions based on how they think it will hurt him. They have no idea that their behavior is being observed and absorbed by their child.
this happens a lot. It is something that is subtle compared to physical and sexual abuse, but it is abuse.
Kids truly believe that they are the center of the universe, and in a sense, they are. They process things and blame themselves for things because they believe that they are that powerful! Its really interesting. "magical thinking" is a developmental phenomenon where kids believe in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy, but it also makes them think that if they think something, it will happen. Sometimes when a loved one dies, the child will remember having had a bad thought about that person, and think it is their fault.
I mention this because it is the one thing that parents forget. When parents forget that their child is the center of the universe (even if only in their own mind) they forget that everything that they do is being scrutinized and interpreted into a story that the child is writing about him/ herself.
One thing I remembered last night was that I tried to explain to the parents that regardless of what happens with the boy at school, their daughter obviously coping skills to deal with stress. I tried to tell them that even if the situation miraculously resolved itself, chances are their daughter would come up against some kind of emotional trauma in the future, perhaps with another boyfriend, or something else. I tried to ask them to see that she needed help to know how to deal with stress in life, that there is always going to be stress.
As for the title, it is a half joke, because sometimes my job makes me have thoughts that would technically make me legally holdable. The difference is I know what not to say.
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Wow. This "magical thinking" sounds like something I should remember from Psychology, but I don't think it was covered. But I think even adults are prone to it, though probably not as much as young children. Like if a relative dies, an adult would ask themself "If only I hadn't said that to them," or "if only I'd stopped her from going out the door". Maybe I'm stretching it here...
I figured the title was at least halfway a joke! I don't think I need to call the authorities on ya there turtle.
I guess I am "old school" since when I googled "magical thinking" all I got were a bunch of abstracts about schizotypal disorder. I swear that in my developmental psychology class it was referred to as a normal part of development that was most apparent around age 7-8 years of age.
In my google search what I came across in relationship to the term were studies about the belief of an individual that their thoughts contained some sort of power over actual events in reality.
"Why Things Happen: Teleological Explanation in Parent-Child Conversations.
Kelemen, Deborah; Callanan, Maureen A.; Casler, Krista; Pérez-Granados, Deanne R.
Developmental Psychology. Vol 41(1), Jan 2005, 251-264."
http://psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=search.displayRecord&uid=2005-00130-...
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