This is a portion of something I wrote for my Women's Studies class, and it's something I've been thinking about for about a week or so now. What does it mean to be "Race-blind" and is it even feasible? I mean, how do we turn off all of our subconscious nonsense and evaluate one another for who we actually are when all of society is around us, informing our judgments in a racialized way?
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It’s funny. These vestiges of colonialism pop up everywhere if one is a person of Color, but they are especially insidious in the ways they inform our intimate relations with others. Some of us actively search for a White partner, for the protection it will afford us in the face of a power structure that is skewed towards the pale end of the scale. Others seek other people of color, feeling that there is unity in minority status (think of the South Asian guy in Mean Girls). Still others look for members of the same racial/ethnic group, hoping for the preservation of traditions and values. And then there are those of us who try to be race-blind in our dating, and find how difficult that can be.
If I date an Asian man (particularly a Korean), I cannot help but wonder if he is only dating me because I am Korean and, if that is the case, if I (a biracial American, for there is really nowhere else I can call my “homeland”) am Korean enough—is he interested in me because I am the closest he can come to dating a White woman? Likewise, if my partner is White, am I merely the exotic Asian fantasy come to life? After all, I have some Asian features but not enough to give more than a hint of the Orient; I don’t eat dog or speak in a lilting sing-song accent. I am, in a sense, the real live version of the Orientalized White of the silver screen, a White siren dressed in the trappings of the East. And how do I honestly characterize myself as a Woman of Color when my Welsh-French-Canadian blood is as prevalent as my Korean, and when my Korean “heritage” adds up to little more than genetics through the happenstance of an interracial, intercontinental adoption?
I have had similar questions, even though I am white, and there is no mistaking that, for myself or anyone else. I am also blonde. This caused me some distress in my younger years. It wasn't so much that people treated me like I was stupid, but if I was too quiet, people tried to take advantage of me in ways that were not very nice.
What I really hated was the general male attitude toward me which conveyed, in my perception at the time, that I was just going to accommodate their every whim. I got scared a few times when I vocally disobeyed, and was simply laughed at and force was used in attempt to coerce me. I am proud to say that it didn't work too well, as I am quick, and do not take kindly to people trying to boss me around.
I used to dye my hair red because I hated how men looked at me. Having large breasts didn't help anything at all. I really felt for a long time like men saw me and just thought that I existed just to make them happy. I hated that.
I also hated it that my ex boyfriend had a fetish for Latin women. I felt like he "settled" for me, because I was the "girl next door," "cute, but not sexy" "trophy," "arm candy" as his ex called me. His intellectual condescension against women as a whole only drove these ideas about myself deeper. It was very difficult. I was someone he could "take home to mommy."
All of that played itself out in my life, and I have to say, I don't struggle with these things in the same way. I still see other women struggle, and I don't like it. For me, a lot had to happen internally before I could divorce myself from these identities that others had made up for me. I had to stop playing the roles that were assigned me, and start just being myself.
Once that happened, i found a great guy, who loved me for me (incidentally, he has a fetish for black women, and he is white). That was weird for a long time, but I started to get that who I am is more than what I look like. Wearing a wedding ring has served me well in the community. So has not wearing make-up, not dying or fixing my hair in anyway, gaining weight, and wearing big baggy scrubs. :)
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ugh...your ex sounds like such a jerk. I'm glad that in spite of it all, you managed to find a great guy.
Good for you for standing up for yourself, too. It's funny how much standing up and speaking out throws people (especially men) sometimes. As you mentioned, being a blonde attractive women gives people very specific preconceptions of you and your behavior. Likewise, being Asian, I'm expected to be quiet, passive, and subservient...and let's face it, that's the last thing I'm going to do or be.