One of the things I simultaneously hate the most and love the best about the gay community (or the homosexual community or the LGBTQ community or whatever the hell is PC these days) is their eternal obsession with getting people to be proud of who they are. This may seem like an awesome thing at first, because who doesn't want their friends to be able to be happy and proud of who they are? I've seen too many people who were run down and depressed because they couldn't reconcile who they knew they were with who society told them it was okay to be.
But on the other hand, there are people like me, who preach the doctrine but then feel like a hypocrite when it's time to apply it to my own personal life. I don't like the gay community's eternal obsession with coming out because I'm still not out to the most important people in my life - my family.
When I was fourteen, I had my first girlfriend. Since my parents are liberal, accepting people with a good deal of gay friends, I thought nothing of telling my mother. And you know what my loving, open-minded, liberal mother said to me? She said "It's just a phase, you'll get over it."
Talk about a slap in the face and a punch to the gut all rolled into one. I never talked about my bisexuality with her again. I never even mentioned the fact that I had a girlfriend to my father, and to my knowledge nobody besides my brothers and sisters (some by blood, some not) actually know that in my opinion, boys are just fine, but girls are good too.
It's something I've struggled with for five years, and it really affected my decision not to be open about my sexuality during my senior year of high school, when I was at a new school in a small town in the country. After all, if my open-minded, liberal mother didn't want to accept who I was, how could these small-town teenagers, many of them with very religious backgrounds? I hid who I was more deeply than I ever have, and for an entire year.
Bisexuality is complicated. I have an equal preference for men and women - smack in the middle of the Kinsey scale, as they say - but the last four relationships I've had have all been with men. In fact, Cora the girlfriend when I was fourteen was my first and last official girlfriend. She's not the last girl I've ever hooked up with, but she is the last one I was official with. Add that to the fact that bisexual women get this awful stigma from the media as being only in it for the making out at parties and the attention that garners, and I'm almost more afraid than ever to come out sometimes.
And now I have a boyfriend again, and yet I have this burning need to be open with my family, honest with them, tell them everything. To me, lying is one of the greatest sins, and I feel guilty even when I lie about tiny little things. A huge omission of something this important to me? It kills.
The fear is almost stronger than the guilt, though. Fear of being brushed aside again, not being taken seriously. And a larger fear of being too late, of not saying anything until they day I can't. I lost a member of my family almost a year ago, and it hurts more than I can say sometimes that I didn't have the courage to tell her before I couldn't.
I'm not really sure where I was going with this post, other than to bleed pressure off the wound for a little while. And I suppose to encourage anyone else who's in my position - I understand how brutally difficult this is. Take heart that this is nearly impossible even for people on good terms with their families. I can't even imagine what it would be like for someone raised in a religious or conservative home.
My heart goes out to all of you, and I encourage each and every one of you to have the courage to do what I can't. Be honest. Be yourself. Live better.
Losing my brother in an accident is what pushed me out of the closet. My biggest regret is that he did not have the opportunity to either accept or reject me honestly.
I can't really tell you what to do in this situation. I can only share my (decades of) experience. I'm a lesbian, but i dated men before I came out to cover it up. No one can say I didn't try to be straight! What I found was that college is a whole 'nother story when it comes to belonging. Once you are out of high school, you'll have a lot more freedom to be yourself among your peers.
Family is a bit tougher. My family was very religious and conservative, so I waited YEARS longer than I should have to tell them. I didn't tell them until I was dating someone seriously. At that point, it seemed like TOO much of a lie to hide it. It hurt to be disowned by my dad, but it was worth it for all the people who stepped up and said they love me as I am. Those relationships are really honest now, and it feels great!
Good luck. It's a difficult and unique journey for everyone.
"Never go with a hippy to a second location."
~Jack Donaghy
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I have only recently come back to acknowledging my bisexuality, since getting married to a man and birthing a girl-child. It is interesting to me, because it was insignificant, until my stumbling on ProU. Prop 8 didn't help, and I am glued to KNX as the Supreme Cout Hearings in San Francisco take off.
Bisexuality is very complicated. We have the luxury of being able to play the right part when demanded of us, yet we relish the moments when we are free to be.
I am in a situation where i am married to a man, monogamous, and just realizing that my bisexuality was not a "phase."
Its not that I have met someone, or am considering being unfaithful. Its just that I feel like I am being called to be truly open and free, and many of my sexual issues are coming to the forefront of my consciousness.
Basically, I am questioning everything I thought I already knew. It is scary, but I have nothing to lose.
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Well, I think this post was a big step for you, no matter if it was just meant as a venting tool for the time being. Maybe since you were 14 then and told your mother, she didn't think you were mature enough to come to this conclusion. I mean, identity crisis is part of the teen package. Maybe now, or when you're older, is the appropriate time, but I have no expert advice to give in this situation.
now your family, if they ever chance upon your blog, might just see how their blindness is affecting you and hopefully they'll open their eyes to see that you're still the same beautiful you, inside and outside too
the same thing in my case but I am just an abstinent person, not into physical relationships at all currently and might never be but it seems like I am the only one who knows that...and no one else but you never know, there might be someone out there to help all of us out :]
“You cannot wean away an addict from the drug. It is not possible for me to walk away from Ranjha. If it is our destiny to be together then who, other than God, can change it?”
http://pakistaniat.com/2008/01/01/heer-ranjha-the-story-of-punjabs-first...
This is really great writing, thanks for posting it. While I can't relate in terms of sexuality, it just reminded me of the scene in Milk when Harvey tells a room of his supporters that the LGBT community has to start coming out everywhere to "let them know who we are," but I just thought it was so irrational to demand that. While we wish every day that the world was this happy, wonderful, tolerant and accepting place, it almost never is. Sometimes even (or especially) with respect to the people we wish would be most accepting or understanding, namely parents. I had a friend come out to her parents a few years ago and they just stopped talking to her, even though she was still living in their house.
This discussion can't be complete without me adding how upset organized religion makes me. Why isn't religion being used to promote tolerance and understanding? Why is it used to divide people? And why do so many people use it to further their bigoted causes?
I am also Bisexual and my mother and some of my friends know. My father doesn't know and as far as I'm concerned its none of his business anyway. What i wanted to say is I understand or think i do. It was difficult to tell my mother mainly because I didn't know whether or not she supports GBLT people but at the same time we are really close so it was important to tell her. I just picked a moment and blurted it out mainly because that was the easiest thing for me to do . I still don't know if she supports the GBLT community but I do know she supports me and is not against "non traditional" lifestyles.
I wish i could tell people in general though and the friends that I've not told yet but as you say its hard and they are important to me. I am working up to it because i think its important. I think it best to at least be out to the GBLT community even if not the world because they are very supportive of their own and as we all know society can be cruel. Anyway that's my bit said there
You have a beautiful mother. No matter what her "opinions" or "morals" are, she is your mother, first and foremost. I admire that.
She is putting you, her daughter, first, above any of her "opinions" or "morals." That is true, unconditional, maternal love.
Good for you. Your friends will be much slower, and that is okay, because you have your mother. All children deserve that kind of love. When a child can be true to him/ her self, without punishment, that is when we see what humans are made of.
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Hi Farasha;
Thanks for this moving story. I wonder if your mother's statement was truly a statement of being unaccepting, though?
Not to diminish the hurt I'm sure you felt, but I am wonderin...
I understand where you are coming from, but I have to interject. Parents who overreact to adolescent behaviors designed to attract attention, or more accurately, define an ego, are suffering from undue stress.
Adolescents who speak out on issues that "offend" their parents are not necessarily guilty of the antics described above.
How does a parent know the difference between defiance and developmentally normal challenges of authority?
The parent that is in tune with the child will not have to ever ask the question.
If you find yourself identifying with the question, then look inward. When did you lose the connection with your child that was solidified with his/ her birth?
Children know one thing from day one, and that is how to make his/ her needs known.
When the needs are ignored, the consequences can be tragic. Attention and affection are the biological needs most obvious at birth. Attention and affection must occur before the neonate can even be promised a meal.
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