Ok, so the title above does not represent my own viewpoint, but I'd like to bring up a discussion I've been having with a number of friends in the past few days; the idea that penetration, in and of itself, is violent; therefore, all heterosexuality and most homosexuality as well, whether consensual sex or not, is violence.
I was reading an ultra-feminist magazine which was making this point; in the authors viewpoint, the only sex which was not violent, was sex without any penetration, because any type of penetration at all involves one object being "forced" into another human being; the author said that no matter how gently or lovingly this act is done, it is still one person being penetrated by another, which is violent. I was shocked by this extreme viewpoint; for a moment, I found myself agreeing with the author; penetration does sometimes have a element of violence to it, there is often some level of force which is used to enter the penis/fist/vibrator/dildo or whatever into the other person's orifice. Does this mean that the person entering the other is a perpetrator? Are we always playing the roles of oppressed and oppressor? Is all sex a power struggle?
I began asking some of my friends what they thought about this idea; one said "do these feminists cut off their fingers to avoid using any type of phallic object inside themselves or others?" Another said "sex is violent; I agree. In fact, I've been thinking lately that in order to achieve world peace, we will all need to immediately stop having sex altogether and focus on building platonic friendships instead..." Both of these friends took this extreme viewpoint to even farther extremes which got me thinking even more about the idea that sex might, in fact, be violence embodied. Whereas the hippies of our parents' generation saw sex and orgasms as one of the ways to "cure the world," I see many people of my generation shunning sex as the great dismantling force that perpetuates violence in the home and the world at large.
My friend who argued that all sex is violent said this "war is a larger representation of what is happening between people during sex..." He also said that birth is violent and traumatic, and so to save ourselves the pain of childbirth and unwanted children, and to save the world from an exploding population, it would be better if we all immediately abstain from sex altogether. I laughed as I listened to his message; my immediate response was "good luck trying to get people to stop having sex," but I think there is an element of truth in his message. War is a result, oftentimes, of overpopulation; and, in many ways, it does seem to mirror sex; like sex, there is a country penetrating another country; phallic bombs and missiles are used, force and domination is seen. Unlike sex, however, war never leads to a feeling of peace and orgasm; there is no joyous feeling of pleasure, maimed soldiers never roll over and kiss the landmine that blew their legs off, they never beg for more civilian deaths. I think likening all sex to war, and seeing one as directly responsible for the other, is largely inappropriate.
I also don't agree that birth has to be traumatic; I've learning in midwifery school that sometimes birth is even pleasurable; some women report orgasming at the moment of birth; as the baby's body leaves the mother's body, some women moan with pleasure; babies too, sometimes seem overcome with ecstasy. I think traumatic birth, as we've come to know it, is a direct result of a culture which doesn't embrace the sensual; if we can start seeing birth as a sensual act once again, much like lovemaking if you really think about it, then we will start experiencing it more and more that way.
This goes for sex, as well. Only in a culture of endless victimization does the idea that sex is inherently violent emerge. When you view sex as a sensual, vulnerable act for all parties involved, a vulnerable opening of the very soul to the other, you remember that the person doing the penetrating can feel just as violated as the person being penetrated, if it is not done correctly. Men have reported to me that they can feel "swallowed," "trapped" or "engulfed" by the woman if the act of sex is not done in a correct, loving way. So it isn't having a penis that makes one person the "violator" and the other the "victim," but rather, a sad, sick culture which plays the cycle of abuse out, even in the bedroom.
We need not give up sex in order to heal this unhealthy culture; but instead, we need to embrace the sensuality of it; we need to remember that whoever we are sleeping with, man, woman or other, this person deserves our uppermost respect and attention; anyone can feel violated, with or without penetration.
Love ya,
Carrot
I think the author of that article was guilty of the logical fallacy of equivocation. Sexual penetration does not mean the same thing as violent penetration, even though the same word is used for both.
Leo Trotsky believed something similar to what your friend said: he thought that in order for humanity to achieve total peace, we all need to stop having sex. However, Trotsky came from a very Christian perspective; he thought reproducing would be pointless when world peace is achieved because that would herald the End of Days.
Your comment that today's culture is one of victimization struck me. I've always agreed, and I have written a somewhat contentious blog about it. That blog was about racial relations, but it applies a lot to feminism (at least as I understand it), since feminism is too often a philosophy of victimhood rather than empowerment.
I think part of the problem is, and I've said this before, our overly sexualized culture. We're obsessed with sex, and it leads to some pretty bizarre views of it. Nobody would analyze farming like this (which is certainly violent in this sense- hacking up the ground, killing weeds, then harvesting a living organism to consume it) because we're not neurotic about farming the way we are about sex. I think I agree with your comment that we need to chill out when it comes to sex. No need to constantly play out endless sex scenes on our TVs and whatnot. We should look at the European example- they are much more open about sex because they are less obsessed with it. At the same time, that does not mean they are licentious or promiscuous, they just don't worship sex in the way we Americans do (though thanks to the spread of American culture that's changing, too).
So, to me, sex is not violent. Just remember that I’m not saying this because I think we should all just go out and have sex all over the place all the time. You all know how I feel about that…
I've been thinking about this very much lately. It makes me very glad to be a lesbian.
Only in a culture of endless victimization does the idea that sex is inherently violent emerge.
I agree with this. Today I was reading exerpts from "A Room of One's Own" when Woolf talked about how men use women to make themselves feel greater than they really are. It made me think of how many guys I know who view sex as the act of conquering a woman, which made me think of rape. I realized the probem is not the nature of heterosexual sex itself, but the way people think about their bodies and power/domination. People need to realize that a penis is not a weapon.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
that the word vagina is an ancient word which roughly translates as "a place to sheath one's sword or knife," suggesting the penis was a sword or knife, and the vagina was a place, naturally, to sheath it...yucky implications all around!
I used to view penises like that myself; I'd been violently used and abused, and only saw men as penis-wielding abusive idiots (I no longer have this view at all, please don't attack me...) But as I learned to love several male-bodied people, I saw that the penis is not inherently a weapon; that in fact, it is essentially structurally the same as a vagina, (see the book A New View of a Woman's Body to see what I mean,) except phallic shaped, rather then inverted...I mean, as we develop, boy and girl fetuses start with exactly the same structures, the difference is, the penis grows "closed" and what would have been the clit becomes the head of the penis, and on a girl, the structure just stays open...fascinating..
I like to call my "lady parts," my cunt, because as far as I know, cunt doesn't mean anything as violent as vagina...
Love ya,
Carrot
Carrot, WOW!
"I like to call my "lady parts," my cunt, because as far as I know, cunt doesn't mean anything as violent as vagina..."
You have no idea how poignant this is, especially to me, at this very moment, right now.
Thank you. XXX
If you like this post, please tip me. All tips will be forwarded to ProgressiveU.org. Keep the site alive!
I would like to know what magazine you read that information in because i would like to write them and tell them how stupid and foolish they are. they must be virgins!!!! I don't believe that all sex is violent. It can be if you so choose or not, but when you lye down with your spouse and make love it is not at all violent. It is healthy physically and emotionally. I do believe the best love making is without penitration but even with it is not always violent. I am also upset that someone could say that childbirth is violent!!! I just gave birth 7 months ago so i can sya that childbirth is extreamly painful, until you get an epidural, but it is the most beautiful thing in the world. To know that two people (who hopefully love eachother) can bring another life into the world by loving eachother is absolutly amazing. I can say that after I gave birth to my son i did not have an orgasim (thats a little wired ) but do you know the feeling you get if you exercise for the first time in a long time, well i had that feeling for about 3 days. It was fabulous and far from violent. I guess i am like the hippies i beliee that sex creates peace and harmony.
"This goes for sex, as well. Only in a culture of endless victimization does the idea that sex is inherently violent emerge. When you view sex as a sensual, vulnerable act for all parties involved, a vulnerable opening of the very soul to the other, you remember that the person doing the penetrating can feel just as violated as the person being penetrated, if it is not done correctly. Men have reported to me that they can feel "swallowed," "trapped" or "engulfed" by the woman if the act of sex is not done in a correct, loving way. So it isn't having a penis that makes one person the "violator" and the other the "victim," but rather, a sad, sick culture which plays the cycle of abuse out, even in the bedroom."
Carrot, this is a profound insight. I am amazed out the simplicity you use to convey it. I think that the concepts of victimization you illustrate are applicable to war, and so it ties back in with your original post. Very interesting, and beautiful.
I am brought in my mind's eye to Eden, the place that humankind was born in, and reminded that we were all born naked. There was no shame in that, until a talking snake visited a naive woman.
As the story is written, it was not God who minded their nudity, but the humans themselves who hung their heads in shame. God was simply saddened that they had lost their innocence and purity. God saw their shame as a veil between them and Paradise.
I am called home. I want to find Eden, and disrobe. I want to kneel toward a moist, green earth, and inhale the perfume. Then I want to reach up to the sky, and expand. I want to lie flat in buoyant moss, and soak up as much Life as my cells can take.
I wonder what would happen if we all did the same thing at the same time.
If you like this post, please tip me. All tips will be forwarded to ProgressiveU.org. Keep the site alive!
I like the images of Eden you are writing about; I don't know if anything would change if everyone on earth, all seven billion of us, where to lie down naked in moss somewhere at the same time...I mean certainly, for that moment, no bombs would be dropping anywhere, no-one would be murdered, no-one would be raped, everything would be calm and peaceful for that one moment; mmmmm, I like that thought very much.
I try to do something similar to that on a daily basis; I don't always get naked because it is cold and wet here, but I try to engage myself sensually with either a tree or some moss or a rock or something from the natural world every day. Sometimes I just stroke a tree and hum to it, or talk with it, or try to pick up it's energy, or something like that. I find this very helpful; my five or ten minutes a day in Eden. If everyone took five or ten minutes a day to meditate in this way, I do believe we'd see a much different world.
Love ya,
Carrot