Asking permission: the beauty of consent

Ah consent! We've all heard that word, probably in a health class at one point or another, during a lecture on date rape, right before the junior prom. Or at least, I think that is the first time I heard and considered that word.

Where I grew up, sex was pretty patriarchal, heterosexual and monogamous in nature, by which I mean one boy and one girl would go on an average of three dates before the girl was suppose to "give it up," to the boy. People still get married directly out of high school where I grew up, so many people only have sex with one other person, or maybe two, their entire lives. Homosexuality and gender questioning, not to mention the whole gender spectrum, are pretty much unknown variables where I come from as well. And it appears that it is still considered ok in Upstate New York for men and boys especially, to sexually harass girls and women as much as they want to, or at least, that was the impression I got when I was home for Christmas. I was appalled when everyone from my dad to my friend's pot dealer sexually harassed a woman in my presence while I was home; I guess the amount of time spent on the "enlightened" West Coast has caused me to forget how backwards things still are in Upstate New York.

Clearly, from some of the comments I'm getting to my review of Twilight, Upstate New York isn't the only place where backwards patriarchal oppressive sexual relationships are still acceptable. I'm shocked to read one comment that suggests that women are partially responsible for their rapes when they dress like a "slut." This confuses and amazes me; I mean, if men actually had no more control over their own impulses then that, well then, anytime a woman nursed her baby in public, or wore a bathing suit, or lived in a culture where nudity was more acceptable then it is here, she could expect to be raped. Is that what we want our culture to be like? One in which removing clothing guarantees that we will be raped by someone? I know this isn't the sort of world I want....

I want a world where, regardless of what I am or am not wearing, a person interested in having sex with me will do three things:
1) He or she will ask clearly what he or she wants to do with/to me. Sometimes, when I know this person well, his or her asking will not be verbal; he or she might ask with a kiss, a caress, a smack to the ass, but this would only be within an already well-established relationship. Outside of those bounds, I would appreciate people who know me less well asking before touching me; asking to snuggle, asking to kiss, asking to remove articles of clothes, or to reach under articles of clothes.

2) He or she will touch me in a loving, respectful manner. This means of course different things to different people, but for me, this includes the energy the person is "running" while touching me. I don't like being touched by someone who is throwing off "creepy vibes." It means practicing safer sex, telling me if you slept with someone who "might have something," and not feeling like he or she has to keep doing anything that is not comfortable on that end either.

3) NOT USING SUBSTANCES IN SUBSTITUTE FOR COMMUNICATION OR CONSENT! Some of my most horrific sexual experiences have been while I've been blacked-out drunk; for some reason, certain people STILL assume that if someone is that drunk, it is a) ok to have sex with them, b) permission is not necessary c) it isn't rape if you are both drunk...I feel like this happens so often, I must repeat myself; IT IS NOT OK TO RAPE A PASSED-OUT DRUNK PERSON! It is not ok either to get in bed with them, take their clothes off and then pressure them to have sex with you once they've "come around." That is rape. It is not ok to "talk someone into" sex while they are on hallucinogens. Again, that is rape. The person isn't in a state that allows them to give real consent. It is not ok to have sex with a drunk person who is passed out, even if she was flirting with everyone and begging for sex before she passed out! It is not ok to rape your girlfriend while she is drunk, because you know she'd want to "do it," if she where sober. These are all scenarios which have either happened to me, or to close friends or sisters. For some reason, many people seem to believe the rules that apply to sex when people are sober are somehow suspended when a person is drunk or high. I don't get it.

Men can be violated just as easily as women can be...just because someone has a penis, doesn't mean that person won't care if he is molested, violated or raped. This seems to also be a common misconception in this culture; that somehow, male-bodied people ALWAYS want sex and sexual stimulation, from wherever they can get it, and so there is no such thing as "unwanted touch" when it comes to men. I'm not sure where this idea comes from...I myself have bought into it at times, but it sure isn't true. I've had a lot of conversations with men this past year about sexual scenarios which have happened to them which made them feel violated or raped, or at the least, disrespected.

Lets learn to respect our sexual partners; isn't that the least we can do?

Love ya,
Carrot