Ok, so through out my life I've always been different. Some have called me weird since I don't fall with in the norm of society, some have called me unique, and some just call that me. What ever you would call it, I'm that. Theres not another person alive that is at all similar to me, but I like it, this feeling of being unlike others. Yet that doesn't mean that I can't confuse myself through my actions or thought process. And this last case that I've recent run into is no exception.
But in order to be able to understand it, one must know a little about me and some of the thigns that relate to it. For pretty much all of the 20 years of my life, I've been single, and it made no sense to me as to why this was. I have no problem talking to women, am funny, tall, decent looking, pretty smart, etc... Well, I found out by observation of others, as well as reflecting on my past failures, that this was mainly due to me being a hopeless romantic. Yea, I did it all, flowers, offered to pay for everything, gifts, lots of compliments, ... the whole shi-bang. I am quite aware now though that is what has been killing me as women, think that this clingy, nice guy behavior is pretty creepy. And I can't blame them after trying to see myself in their shoes. It makes anyone who does them look desprite. The amount of things I have learned and the mistakes I have made in the past that I won't be making again could fill a book. And after figureing this all out, I started having little problem getting dates, and I feel that I could have goten a girlfriend if I went for it.
But this is where it gets complicated to me, and where I don't make sense to myself. With this confidence from knowing what I do, as well as being able to get these dates I was getting, you'd think that I'd have had even relationship with someone by now. Even a lot of people I know were baffled about why I didn't have a girlfriend yet. So why not? Why wasn't I willing to go farther and get one? I started to think that it was my lack of experience, but about a week ago I decided that wasn't so much the case.
Now, I believe that I'm too comfortable with my simple, simple, single life as it is now, and I seriously hate the idea of that changing. And this is despite the fact that I think a girlfriend would probably make me happier, as well as improve my overall life. So I thought on this the other day and came up with an idea to why this was. I have been surounded by the bad drama of relationships for a long time now, starting with my parents seperating and then divorcing a couple of years ago, to friends having problems over the years and now, most recently, one of my roommates. Somehow this has started to affect my ideas of dating and I'd guess I'm probably afraid of this drama coming and mucking up my life, as well as ruining all my future plans. But despite this, I still want to have a girlfriend, though I can't bring myself to work for one, not knowing what will happen. And this has made me even more shy then I have ever been in the past and makes it harder for me to even just make new friends right now, something I had little problem doing before.
So, how do I fix this? How do I get past this roadblock in my mind, and convince myself to take the risks I need to accomplish what I want? How do I break through this paranoia of ruining what I have now, even though its for something that, most likely, is better? Your thoughts?
