The L Word: Nature Vs. Nurture

NOTICE: This is a satirical piece; however, it is INCOMPLETE. This is also the American edition, seeing as how I was uncertain as to how familiar many members of ProgressiveU are with British politics. Besides, the "Don't Crunch, Don't Tell" joke wouldn't have worked.

The L Word: Nature Vs. Nurture

BBB News Worldwide Reports

There are many questions surrounding the controversiality of particular lifestyles these days. To that end, we have opened an investigation into the private lives of those commonly referred to as leaf-crunchers who have, until recently, been taboo on the lips and ears of the masses for decades.

"We never would have talked about things like that in my day," comments one local grocer in his late sixties. Many people of the older generations seem to share this man's sentiments, despite the widespread acceptance of the leaf-crunching lifestyle among younger adults.

In recent news, there have been reports that Republican members of Congress and their constituents are formulating a push to ban leaf-crunchers from pubicly displaying their "hedonistic and unnatural" behaviour, according to Senator Owen Wellesley from Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

College students around the nation gathered in San Francisco last Tuesday to protest the growing support of such a bill, which would openly advocate discrimination by writing it into the very Constitution itself.

"I just don't see what the big deal is, you know? If people want to go out of their way to step on those crunchy leaves, who am I to tell them to stop, much less try and make a constitutional ban on public leaf-crunching, right?" says 22-yr-old Justin Eberhardt of Orange County, California.

Despite popular sentiment on the issue similar to Eberhardt's, the United States military has also taken a more conservative stance on leaf-crunchers serving in the Armed Forces. A new policy, "Don't Crunch, Don't Tell," is to go into effect immediately. This policy bars leaf-crunchers from disclosing their lifestyle to anyone in the military. Leaf-crunching, which the Department of Justice diagnoses as an unstable mental condition, has been officially deemed as a "threat to the cohesion of the military unit."

Many people simply want to know whether or not leaf-crunchers are simply born that way, or if their behaviour is a result of societal influences? Researchers at the American Institute of Winobetterthanyoo in Rosemount, Minnesota have yet to extrapolate a definitive answer to this age old question of nature versus nurture, but have indicated a propensity for leaf-crunching to surface as a result of lack of exposure to dry leaves during the early stages of child development.

More to come as the investigation continues !