Navitaging Polyamoury

So despite all the writing I've done on the subject of having sexual or romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time; I'm just starting to traverse those waters, for the first time in my life, and I'm finding them choppy, and it is bringing up unexpected feelings and jealousy I wasn't aware was in this heart of mine. And, the more I think about why I'm jealous, the more I realize what a Disneyique view of romance I have; the reason I want one person to be "mine own," is because I have this "happily ever after" scenario in my head that women and girls in this culture are brought up on.

I remember being seven or so and writing stories with my sisters about our dream weddings; we'd spend hours on this type of fantasizing; which I remember being encouraged by our mom. We talked about how many babies we'd have, what their names would be, what our husbands would be like. Only now do I realize how flawed this type of thinking is; grooming girls for marriage is almost like grooming young plantation kids in the South for future slave ownership; we are taught, almost from birth, to pursue, to track, to hunt down a man, and bind him for life to us, for the purpose of reproduction. What a strange goal. When you stop and think about it, it is seriously sick and twisted, yet it seems to be the primary life-goal of many in our culture, men and women, but primarily women.

Men, on the other hand, are often "groomed" by elders to avoid this type of "entrapment", jokes are made about how sex ceases after marriage, life ends after marriage, etc, etc. So we've created this strange dichotomy where men are the hunted and women are the huntresses. The White Stripes have a great new song about this topic; I can't remember the name of the song at the moment, but I think this explains a lot of our relationship woes...we enter these endless chases where we end up feeling like a dog chasing it's tail; there is no "winning" in this game, everyone is a loser in the end. The relationship loses all zest and excitement once the chase is finished; marriage is the end of the pursuit, and so, disappointed, many couples break up shortly after that.

What if we could change that dichotomy somehow? What if, instead of desiring to "own" someone else, we could change that into desire to genuinely care for and about another person? And what if that included understanding that that other person might sometimes desire someone else? Can we (can I,) learn to be ok with that, after a lifetime of being taught to try to find the white knight who will ride by and save me from a lifetime of boredom and depression, by taking me out of my lonely tower and riding off into the sunset with me? What if, instead, I pictured a flawed and dirty, possibly also depressed and bored, genuine human, either male or female, with real problems, addictions, annoying habits and really amazing traits as well; someone who amazes and annoys me in turns, someone who sometimes causes me pain and rage, as well as comfort and love...

What would that world look like? If we could embrace everyone for who they where, in that time and space, if we could learn to love and except real people, and not search endlessly for a fantasy that doesn't exist, if we could love, with as much ease, the homeless addict and the richest man in the world (of course, in my fantasy world, there are no rich men,) if we could see the best in folks of all stripes; well, we'd have a lot less cuddle deficiency and loneliness in the world, that much is certain...

We need to see social constructs, such as marriage for what they are; marriage was, after all, a Middle-Ages ritual which helped to set up the hierarchy to keep people under the rule of the king; children obeyed the wife, the wife obeyed the husband, the husband obeyed the lord, the lord obeyed the king, the king obeyed the pope, and, of course, the pope supposedly obeyed god.

Love ya,
Carrot