I spent a lot of time being single, hoping that I would start to appreciate relationships more, being that I'd always break up with the girl after a few months. It would be going fine, but then sooner or later some excuse would arise and I'd end the relationship. Obviously this can't continue forever, because one day I'll meet someone amazing and push them away before any sort of meaningful relationship can form.
I've been involved with a few women in the last couple years, but I'm progressing further and further into a person who doesn't need anyone else to make me happy. I'm satisfied with myself and don't need anyone else. In some ways this is smart, because I'll never settle for someone I shouldn't be with -- the relationships never mean enough to me to stay with someone I don't like.
Then again, not needing anyone comes at a price: You don't need anyone. When someone finally does come along that's worthwhile and awesome... I don't need her, because I'm already fine by myself in my own little bubble of non-responsibility and non-commitment.
No matter how perfect she may be, I don't need her. And that sucks. It's great and all that I don't need other people to make me feel good about myself, but what am I supposed to do? Never have a meaningful relationship in my life? Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to stay insecure and needy, always requiring someone else to love me, because all I do now is avoid any and all love from anyone because it upsets my little world.
My cousin: "So do you have a girlfriend these days?"
Me: "I... not at the moment."
"Several girlfriends?"
"I'm currently single."
"You dumped her, didn't you. Just recently."
"I... yes."
"What happened?"
"I'm kind of a shitty boyfriend."
"What? Why? What do you do?"
"Well I'm nice and all, and it goes fine for a while, but then I just end up getting sick of them like I do everyone else in life, and then it just goes downhill from there. As soon as it begins, it's only a matter of time before it ends."
"You just end up ignoring them?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"That's not nice. You shouldn't do that to girls."
"I either need to not get involved at all, ever--"
"Yeah, that's a good idea."
"--or at least until I figure out what the hell it is that I want."
If that day ever comes, that is. It's quite possible I'll be a failure at relationships my whole life. And that's not a "poor me, boo hoo" statement, it's just a reality. Maybe I am just not cut out for the whole treating other people with respect in a relationship... thing.
At least I realize this. A lot of people should never be in a relationship; I just realized it at the age of 20 while it isn't too late to either change or make a vow of celibacy. Well, a vow of non-commitment, anyway.
(The ProgressiveU FAQ recommends providing a link for material that you've posted somewhere else as well. This entry was originally posted here.)
I think you make a very valid point here about the diffrence in being in a relationship out of a missing NEED and how negatively an impact this would be or to be in out of want and that knowing what you want is important.
When your friend said 'you should not do that to girls' I was a bit offended because you better not be dating girls and I believe in treating people equally.
Anyway Nice blog and glad to see you around.
There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic.~- Anais Nin
This is a valid point... real life blogs I like