"But I Believe in Peace, B_tch!"

The end of the year is nigh, I get a little break from classes. It is time to shift, to clean up, get organized, and reset for the New Year. In reflecting on what I would like to change for myself, I am also thinking about what the past year has been about.
All in all this past year has been difficult. Not terrible, just difficult. I am struggling to settle into my role as a parent, wife, daughter, sister, nurse, manager, teacher, and student. Finances come to the forefront of what I need to improve.
I have worked hard this year. I went from being bored and understimulated to taking on multiple projects, investing time and money into them, and sacrificing time with my family as a result. Some of these projects have proven to be a loss, and others a gain. The ultimate payoff is yet to be determined. Until I can materialize them into substantial profitable projects, they are only ideas and dreams. My challenge is to make my dreams into realities.
Throughout my life I am recognizing a pattern of obsessive behavior. My tendency is to jump into things, and get overinvolved and overinvested. I put everything into something, neglecting other responsibilities at the same time, all the while justifying it with what it can become. Then I face an obstacle or strong opposition and its as if I am slammed into a wall. I become so confused and disappointed, I am unable to gather any of the energy I had previously to work around that obstacle. I go into a mild state of depression and wait for the next project to present itself.
I am obsessive by nature. I am an "all or nothing" kind of a person. I am very passionate, but like fire that starts and spreads quickly, I also burn up my resources, and extinguish quickly. Some would classify me as an addictive personality by these qualities. I am prone to addiction, but I am not held by one thing over another. I am addicted to stimulation. I require validation from others to keep going with anything. When I stop receiving support, I stop trying.
This has played out over the past year in my professional development. I invested hours of planning and learning, as well as thousands of dollars, on building an aesthetic medical practice for myself. I saw this as a big challenge. It started with a colleague who was pursuing it, who had been reaching out to me, asking me for help and assuring me that if I took the classes, she would take me on as a partner. The business is lucrative, IF all the pieces are in place. She had the benefit of a plastic surgeon who was sponsoring her practice. I spent the money and took the classes, recruited clients for her, assisted in her promotional activities, like writing up promotional emails, and assisting with her open house. After all of this, she told me she couldn't afford to take me on a as a paid partner. Poo on her.
So I dusted myself off, and started looking for other opportunities. I found a company looking for a "self-starter," a nurse to build her own practice. I interviewed with them, they hired me immediately, and gave me a list of things to do, one of which was to take a botox and dermal filler class. I registered with one the next day and paid $2000. The company that hired me didn't return my calls. Finally I got through and they said they were having problems and weren't in a place to pursue their aesthetic business.
So I found someone else. She hired me. She teaches other nurses and doctors how to do laser, botox, and dermal fillers. She wanted someone to take over her practice so she could focus on teaching. She hired me to work on a percentage basis. I brought in $4000 worth of business within the first month. Then I went out of town, had three family funerals in a month, and started taking online classes. I didn't bring any business for a couple of months. Then two of my first clients came in for retreatment.
I was only doing laser because that was as far as my outside training had taken me. I wasn't able to attend the botox class until October, even though I paid for it and signed up for it in April. I tried to cancel and get my money back, since the lady I was working with now offered to train me for free. They had a no refund policy. So I took the class, called up my "boss," who I had already explained about the class on my first interview. I told her I had taken the class and hoped she would have some time to supplement with more intensive hands on training. I had expressed an interest and willingness to take her classes as well, but she only held them on Saturdays, and at the time my Saturdays were committed to the hospital.
She took great offense to my taking an outside class and decided to change all the rules. She told me I couldn't do any botox or fillers until I paid her $1500 to take her class. One of my clients wanted botox, and I had initially told her I would do it if she would be a model for my training, which is what I was initially told would happen. Now I couldn't do it, so I sent her there any way to get the discount. She ended up also getting dermal fillers. Basically she got $2000 worth of stuff and paid around $700.
So she called me a few weeks later asking for another laser treatment. I called the office to see if they could fit us in. They never got back to me. I called my friend, left her a message that they wouldn't return my calls. Then I called again, and the office told me my friend had scheduled an appointment for the next day with my "boss." I was pissed. The excuse was, " I thought your friend communicated with you." No apologies.
I called my friend who told me they told her that I was not returning their calls. Anyway, since this is already longer than i intended, I found out they were lying to me and to my friend, that they had basically stole her as a client. My hands are tied because I can't get the same kind of discounts anywhere else, and that is my main marketing advantage in this field. The people have not paid me the $1200 they owe me and they are pulling all kinds of BS. I am frustrated because all I want at this point is a return on my investment.
I could take legal action, but I am hesitant only because I hate that kind of drama. I am still mulling it all over and wondering if I should pursue making amends, but then wondering how I will ever be able to trust them. It is so tempting to walk away, but that would be a personal breach of my own self value.
On a more personal and deeper level I process all of this as my attempt to embrace physical beauty in my life. That was part of what was driving me all along. This line of business is a far cry away from psych. I took it on as a personal challenge. What was so inspiring and was driving me at full speed for a good portion of the year has become a mental, emotional and physical burden.
My husband is disappointed with me. He was excited by the monetary prospect, as well as by my effort to put energy into my physical self. Now I just want to throw it all away. I know that this isn't the answer, but I am struggling to find the will to fight to get it back.
Now that I have invested time, energy and money into school and into a new dream of working on a non-profit project geared toward pregnant teens, all of this stuff seems so petty. I still can't help but think that there is still a lesson in there for me, and that if I walk away completely, I am giving up on part of myself.
Another development that has occurred is that the psych hospital has asked me to come on board as a part time nurse manager and staff educator. Psych is where my heart is, and I couldn't say no. This is an exciting time for me. I wish at this point I had never been side tracked into the Hollywood bullshit that is all around me. I feel as though it was a mistake. I also feel it would be a mistake to walk away completely. I don't know what to do with it.