Sadness; It's a cloud

"I got the devil in me
It's a cloud
It's sadness
It's a cloud
Happiness is good for an hour
I got the devil in me!
It's sadness!
It's a cloud"

- Perry Farrell
"Sadness"

Words are completely impotent in describing the unrelenting, crushing, black hole that suffocates all hope, ambition, and light in one's world. This black hole which blights even the most rudimentary ioda of personal peace is depression, and it is the single most powerful enemy an otherwise healthy man can face in his mental life. There is little to be said for treament regarding a condition in which the enemy is one's own mind. The enemy is in the shadows. The enemy is nebulous. The enemy in all but defineable.

"I can feel the wheel
but I can't steer
when my thoughts become my biggest fear
Oh,
what's the difference? I'll die
in this sick world of mine"

- Layne Staley
"Sickman"

I know as well as anyone what a debilitating state one is in when they get "the devil" in them. Personal ambition, hope, even personal freedom all fade into a thick sludge that infests one's mind, a sludge so thick it will not drain out through your ear no matter how you cock your head or pound on your other ear. Happily, what we have for treatment basically boils down to two largely effective options: Doctors and medication. Doctors, psychiatrists, therapists are all up for the (pricey) taking should one need their assistence. Problem is, for many sufferers (an understatment) this is an all-too-elusive option. Many depressives become destitute, a partial result of their crippling illness, and psychiatrists are not cheap. Mental health is available, although underfunded and all too often pricey as well. The world will not change for these people until mental illness is destigmatized and taken seriously. Things that cannot be seen nor heard have an uphill battle being taken seriously, as we all know.

Many people iturn to God in times of strife, and this is a viable option for many depressives. The difficulty we encounter here is this: ask and likely three out of every five depressives will tell you they have difficulty with the notion of a benevolent God.

"When I feel low
I like to think of death and the various ways of dying.
And I think about probably the best way,
unless you could arrange some way to die while asleep,
would be to go off a liner at night"

-Ernest Hemingway

I'm one of the lucky ones. I have parents who have catered to my illness since I was thirteen, and I still rely on their assistance, even if it is less emotional assistance these days. I decry the existence of any man, woman, or child bereft of this advantage. I'd hate to be in their shoes. I decry the existence of the vagrant asleep on the streets at night who has little to no hope of employment, a home, a life partner, or any other reason to open his eyes in the morning, if they ever closed during the night at all.

We live in a time in which the naysayers who do not know, or do not understand the crippling, suffocating, devastating effects of pure, straight depression, and those who subscribe to the popular (but ultimately belittling, demotivating) notion of "tough love" dominate the popular disposition towards poor mental health. It is my long-held contention that "tough love" while in some instances helpful for certain personality types, or possibly for those who are not chronically depressed, is ultimately a poor choice of stratagem in dealing with a depressed person.

Things have gotten better as far as public knowledge, although social programs for the suffering are still a long way from where they should probably be. Free and low cost help is a rare find, and medications for the clinically depressed are very expensive and all too often not covered under many insurance policies.

"Saw my reflection and cried;
So little hope that I died"

- Layne Staley
"Angry Chair"

Resorting to quotes from artists who have famously suffered from depression is, ultimately, only scratching the surface of truly understanding the state of mind, the almost palpable feelings of a person at their lowest state. These are, although famous examples of lyrical ruminations on despondency, ultimately crude, blunt, and poor tools for bringing even a modicum of understanding to this lamentable state of being.

"i was born whole
fractured divided shattered into a billion fragments
a million piece puzzle
a million piece jigsaw puzzle with no face
and no head....."

- William Corgan
"Spaced"

I am at a point in my life in which I struggle much too often even getting out of bed. I feel truly alive only at night. The rest too often feels like the absence of life, much like a bad dream, or more likely a long death walk through a barren desert while dying of thirst. I go on, and will continue to do so. I've lost a member of my family who struggles to understand what it is I go through, who subscribes hook, line, and sinker to "tough love" and who struggles to want to learn and understand. Depression hurts. I myself have learned coping mechanisms for dealing with it. A partial list follows:

- Exercise
- Prescription Medicine
- Therapy
- Time (although this can also be an enemy)
- (if all else fails) Sleep

A coworker and I had a conversation tonight in which she admitted struggles with depression. We both laughed as we spoke of how fellow sufferers often ask for information on how to cope, as if we, as experienced survivors of this, must have found some miracle strategy in dealing with it. You don't. You survive. You become a survivor. If not, you're fertilizer.

"Oh no love! youre not alone
No matter what or who you've been
No matter when or where youve seen
All the knives seem to lacerate your brain
I've had my share, now I'll help you with the pain
You're not alone"

-- David Bowie
"Rock 'n Roll Suicide"

Don't give up hope, all and any of you out there who suffer. There is help, and there is hope. Go to sleep at night with the heartening knowledge that, if all else fails, time, both enemy and friend, will ultimately lead to brighter feelings, a light in the darkness. I advise people to seek any and all help they can find. Also, remember (or read) the teachings of Victor Frankl.

"He who has a why can cope with almost any how."

- Victor Frankl
"Man's Search for Meaning"