Am I Raising a Spoiled Brat?

People are so afraid of "spoiling" kids. My parents especially love to roll their eyes at me and tell me I'm spoiling my kid. They usually do this if I respond to her crying, or give her something that she wants.

When I refer to my parents, I am referring to my father, and my stepmother, who has been in my life since I was 9. She has a son, my brother, who is 26, 4 years younger than me. My brother is generally a pretty good guy, he worked in sales with my father, got his BS in business at UC Riverside. He can be a lot of fun, but he can also be extremely obnoxious. Even his friends can only take him in small doses. He's very dominating of conversations. Even as kids, if we went to Disneyland, everyone would want to go on one ride, and he would try to rally everyone to go on the ride he wanted, but he would never go do something by himself.

My brother cannot be alone, but he also wants to control the activities and conversation, no matter where he is. I don't let him, which is why he doesn't call me much anymore, since moving to Vale, CO to ski and snowboard.

He is also very quickly bored, and can't sit still or shut up. His "best friends," which he has to replace every year or so, because he burns them out, are always very quiet, unimposing people. They seem to like him because he entertains them, but eventually they get tired of him.

He has only had one girlfriend for about 9 months, when he was 19. He's good looking, and educated, but he scares women off with his loud, interrupting nature.

One day, my daughter was having a tantrum. Typically, I don't pay much attention, and she gets over it, and then we resume our activities. My parents one day were being especially overbearing, and insisted that I should give her a "time out" and not respond to her until she was finished crying (she had ran into the back room and shut the door on me). I was so sick of their interfering, I decided to try it their way, just to see how effective it would be. My daughter's crying went from mad to afraid very quickly. That is when I opened the door and picked her up, and comforted her.

My stepmom at that moment said to me, "I used to let Ira scream for hours, and he was fine!"

That's when it hit me. No wonder my brother is so insecure, and can't be alone. He was literally abandoned every time he cried as a small child.

In raising my daughter, I have taken the approach that if her request is reasonable, I should honor it. I don't think it helps a kid not to be spoiled to withhold something that they are asking for, especially if they are asking appropriately.

I also let her tantrum, I don't intervene. I don't plead with her, or yell at her, I just let her vent. When she's done, which is usually pretty quick, then we go back to playing. I love it when my parents say "You have to teach her that she can't do that" I say "She can't do what, express herself? She's not hurting anything."

I was finally triumphant when I asked our pediatrician about disciplining a two year old.
He said, "There should only be a punishment when she is hurting herself or others, and it should be quick. Use time-out, don't leave the room, but don't engage with her."
I asked him how long the time out should be, he said about a minute.

The thing is, kids don't process cause and effect like we do, and they certainly don't get that something they did an hour ago is the reason they are being deprived of something now.

I don't think that ignoring a child for a long period is a good thing. The anger quickly turns to fear, that they have been abandoned, and no one cares about them. That kind of aloneness is detrimental to a child's sense of security.