My Rainbow Child

I know that all parents think their kid is the greatest, the smartest and the cutest, and I am no different. I also think my little papaya is quite magical.

The first time I felt this was when I was pregnant. I was just relaxing, meditating and trying to commune with her who lived in my belly. I thought it was so strange how an entire little human being existed inside me and I no access to what was going on in her little brain.

So as I was reaching in to her a strange thing happened. My mind's eye was caught by a vision. I felt like a spout on my head was opened and I was joined with the rest of the universe. I felt my core center, pulled like string tightening around a spindle. The string was a rainbow, all the colors of the universe in one thread that pulled me into a rainbow blanket, both through my head and my feet. Then I realized that this blanket was surrounding me, and was the boundary of the universe all around me. I stayed centered on the string, like a cocoon on a web. All around me was darkness and stars. I was just suspended in the universe. Then I saw one star start to brighten, and grow. It got brighter and brighter until it disappeared, and then like lightening pierced my belly.

I had a vision at that point in my brain left on earth, of myself, naked, sitting in a field. I saw myself from behind, and my legs were crossed in front of me. I was sitting, holding my knees into chest. And a star fell from the sky and landed in my belly. Then I came back into my immediate situation and was again aware of my limitations.

The idea that my child's soul existed before it found a home in my belly was earth shattering. I believed from that point on that she indeed was before, and looked down from heaven onto my husband and I and chose us for her parents. This still humbles me. I have felt ever since that moment that her life was destined to bring healing into the world, first to my husband and I, then our families, and ultimately, the world around her. How big that world around her becomes is yet to be seen, but she has already been doing a great job at fulfilling her purpose.

When she was born, I held her for about two minutes before I had to lay down so the doctor could stop my hemmorhaging.
She went to the NICU because she aspirated meconium and had a high fever. I didn't see her for 24 hours. That hurt. When I did make my way to the NICU despite the long walk and the lacerations I suffered, i walked up to her little incubator and saw this little floppy amphibian lying on her belly. There was a little hole where I could put my hand in. I touched her hand and her little fingers latched onto my one finger. Her eyes opened, and she sighed a very long, sweet sigh, just looking into my eyes. My belly echoed her voice to my brain, "I know you." I swear at that moment I was looking into eyes that filtered the light of God into the world.

We didn't get to bring her home until she was 3 days old. When we did, the wonder engulfed us. She was ours now. We had to take care of her. All of the preparing and classes in the world did not come close to preparing us for this.

I did not sleep since I had her. I know they say that moms sleep after giving birth. i couldn't. I stayed up all night the night she was born. She was born at 8 am, so by the time night came around, it was already 36 hours of no sleep. My labor was 24 hours. I couldn't sleep at home knowing she was in an incubator. So when I put her in her crib that first time for a nap, I was knocked down onto the floor by a massive wave of joy. My husband was with me, and I just fell next to his feet, crying uncontrollably. When I relaxed, I saw his worried face. I just looked at him and said, "I am so happy!"

I was trying so hard to breastfeed my baby. I had been pumping the last 2 days, but not much would come out. I was obsessive about it and put her to my breast every time she cried. i was worried because she had a feeding tube in the hospital. They say that once a baby gets a bottle which doesn't require much effort to feed from, a baby gets lazy and won't do the work it takes to nurse. My baby was instantly put to sleep whenever she started sucking.

My husband found me sitting up, with her sleeping at my breast while I had fallen asleep too. He got worried that I would slump over on her or drop her, and took her away from me. I was delirious with sleep deprivation, so he put her in her crib. I made him keep the intercom on so I could hear her. We had soft music playing in her room, and that music echoed through the intercom, lulling me into relaxation. I don't know if I was totally asleep or not, but the next thing I knew I was floating above my bed, and I knew my baby was floating above hers because there was a long, thick umbilical cord connecting us.

This euphoria kept me in this awareness for awhile, and I understood how deeply the two of us are connected. It is strange remembering that now because every day she grows more independent of me. She is only 2, and I already feel the ties she is making to the rest of the world. One day she will be a woman. i wonder if I will still feel close to her. It doesn't matter because I will always have this memory, and no matter how far away from me she might be from me at any given moment, I know that she is the star that grew from my belly.

The next time I picked her up to nurse her I was stopped in my tracks. Looking at her in her crib, I suddenly felt as though I was standing in my mother's shoes and that my daughter was me. I was shaken by this. I wondered if my mother felt the same way I do now. I wonder if my mother has any awareness at all about what is happening to me. I know one thing, my daughter will never have to wonder about how I feel about her.