I was most intrigued by a concept I stumbled upon in a blog on this site, the concept of spiritual DNA. I googled it a bit to try to get an idea about what it is, and it reminded me of another idea that I’ve heard before, something else that fascinates me – the idea of cellular memory.
My aunt passed away earlier this yea, and all evidence pointed to the idea that her husband had killed her. Even if he did not, at the very least, he had abused her, as notes and letters she had written during their marriage were uncovered. It was a very unnerving event.
The day before her funeral, I was a mess. The morning went fine, but then the afternoon unraveled. Group was tough to lead that day, the clients were getting under my skin, and I was so angry. I didn’t know why, I was just furious and wanted to cry because I didn’t know what to do with it.
After the clients left and the staff was getting ready to leave, my supervisor stopped to talk to me about the upcoming funeral. As I was telling her the story, I kept referring to experiences I’d had or had seen with my own abusive father. I told her that I didn’t know why I kept thinking of him; he hasn’t talked to me in eight years and has no power to hurt me anymore. She said, of course you’re remembering this right now and of course you’re so upset about your aunt’s death. Your cells remember how this feels.
I’d never heard that idea before, that the cells of my body have their own memory, that they may have stored hurt or fear or anger that I may have felt over the years, even if I don’t remember it consciously. I was talking to a good friend, an alcoholic who has about 20 years of sobriety. He's been sick recently, and he said that when he was sick (throwing up) his memory flashed back to his using days and he thought, "Oh yeah, I really miss this. What the hell was I thinking?" We got a nice laugh out of that, and it was very characteristic of my friend, who tries to give me a laugh when he can tell my mind is troubled.
I would like to know your thoughts on it, dear reader. Have you heard of it before? Thought about it before?
In a way, I hate this idea that my cells remember... There are lots of things that I want desperately to forget; how dare my cells betray me like this? At the same time, however, I kind of like something about that. It's almost like: Sahara - you can try your damnest, but you won't forget where you came from, you can't lie to yourself. That's a lesson I had thought I learned, dear reader.
Funny, I was going to change the name of my blog "It's a Girl, but I wanted a Boy" to "Spritual DNA" today, and then I saw your post.
In truth, it doesn't really matter if our cells or DNA do or don't remember things, but I do believe that they do.
In truth, the brain remembers everything. Familiar stimuli recalls familiar feelings, especially negative ones.
In writing my scrapbooking blogs I have really had to reckon with this. Even though my brain knows everything I have been through, the process of writing it out and bringing it out into the external world has brought on a mild depression, maybe more of a melancholy than depression.
It happens to me a lot. I might read a patient's chart, and for some reason it makes me want to cry, but someone else's whose story is worse, doesn't affect me the same way. It all has to do with my own memory.
The best thing I can think of is to not be afraid of these things. If it comes up into your consciousness, in a way it is like your brain is giving you permission to reexamine it. I am sure you know what repression is. It is the brain protecting you from what you can't handle. Those repressed memories and feelings come back when your brain knows you can handle it.
So when these like this happens, it is not the time to shove it away and minimize it . It is the time to chew on it and digest it. Each time you go through this process you come closer to really purging it. It never goes away, and you might go for years without thinking about it and suddenly something will bring it up again, and you think "Didn't I already deal with this? What the hell, go away!" It just means you have to process it again, and again, and again.
Each time you become more whole and better able to deal with new stresses that come up.
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
Thanks for your thoughts. I thought a lot about it, about handling memories and feelings coming back that I haven't felt for a long time. I fear that I don’t do enough with them, because they scare me, really. I get so angry, I feel like I’m not big enough for it. And I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t feel like I can cry hard enough.
I know there are no easy answers, but I’m glad to hear someone identify, and it definitely makes me think about safe things to do or people to talk to in the future. Thanks again.
"Goodness is the only investment that never fails."
H.D.Thoreau http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/sahara
"I thought a lot about it, about handling memories and feelings coming back that I haven't felt for a long time. I fear that I don’t do enough with them, because they scare me, really. I get so angry, I feel like I’m not big enough for it. And I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t feel like I can cry hard enough."
Don't worry, there's no real trick. No matter what you do with it, you are doing something. If you weren't growing this wouldn't be happening. You'd have stopped growing a long time ago. Don't force anything and don't push anything away. Just give yourself permission to accept things as they present themselves to you. Go ahead and have feelings about it. Just don't let those feelings control you.
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude