My Little Papaya; A Prologue

Warning: Not for the squeamish

The other day I was talking with a new LVN at the hospital. She told me she had worked in post-partum before coming to psych. She shared the birth stories of her 3 children. The first was a girl, and a very difficult labor and delivery. The second was a boy, which was much easier and quicker, but which caused her severe post-partum depression, for which she took antidepressants for a time, recovered, and discontinued the medication. The third, also a boy, was the easiest delivery, but also caused even more severe depression, which she has not yet recovered from and is still taking medication.
She said that after her daughter was born, she was happy, and had no issues with post-partum depression. Her theory was that having a boy creates a larger production of testosterone and other hormones that cause the shift after delivery to be more severe.

That is not what this story is about, but I found that to be very interesting. I shared my birth story with her, which I will share with you now. At the end of our conversation, I told her that my placenta was massive, actually twice the size of my baby. She looked at me matter-of-factly and said, "You probably had 2." Suddenly my mind did one of those fast-frame flashbacks like Tom Cruises' character in Vanilla Sky.

4 years ago in September I switched birth control because I thought the one I was one was making me "moody." Sometime in October I had what I thought was a very heavy period. It lasted almost 2 weeks and I had severe back pain, which is not normal for me. I started wondering if I might be miscarrying. I got online and researched symptoms of miscarriage to death. Then one day I changed my tampon and passed a huge clot. It was probably 3-4 inches in diameter. It was not just red, it was multicolored, with blues and purples. It wasn't just a clot either, there were defined swirls and separations defined by different colors. I simply froze.
It became one of those things I filed in my brain as most likely really happening, but also willing to dismiss as a mental trick my brain was playing on me. I took a pregnancy test the next day just to see. It appeared negative from an arm's length away, but upon closer investigation there was a very faint, barely there second blue line.

I told my boyfriend (my now husband). I felt sad, but at the same time relieved. We were not ready for a baby. The sadness lingered for a little over a week, with the reminder to be extra cautious. We didn't sleep together again for awhile. I am not sure if that was out of fear or just a natural physiological response. I had a normal period a month later.

About another month later I went to my now mother-in-laws house to do some laundry. I stayed for dinner. She said to me, "I am waiting for you to tell my why you are here without my son. You never hang out here by yourself. Are you pregnant?"
Her husband shouted, "God no, they're not stupid like Rose!" Rose is my sister in law. Her son is now five and she is 23. She is a single mom. I didn't think much at the moment, but decided to take another pregnancy test that night. This time the second blue line was more visible.

I didn't tell my husband, I mean boyfriend, right away. I was freaking out. I thought that I had miscarried and was pregnant again. I thought about all the smoking and drinking I did, and thought that must have been the cause of the miscarriage. I was scared. I wasn't ready for a baby, but I didn't want to lose this one either. I went to a psychic. I know that sounds silly, but it is something I do when my anxiety takes over. I don't take meds or go to therapy. I haven't really encountered what I would call a real psychic, at least not since I was 15. I think of them more like "spiritual counselors." I told him that I was afraid, that I thought I might be pregnant, but that I was afraid that my body would reject it because of my self abuse.

His answer was, something like this; "I feel a strong feminine energy, but I also feel a male energy. This is not the right time for this. There is a great deal of negativity. It is related to your spiritual DNA." I was struck dumb and sullen. This was too scary. I never wanted to have children because of the pain I suffered as a child. I was afraid of being a mother because of the risk that I hadn't completely purged my soul of my own mother. I was afraid she would find her way out of and back into me. This also reminded me of how damaged I still was. I thought I was over all this shit. How come my body doesn't forget? Is my self-abuse really just a manifestation of the disease I still carry?

So this time I went to the doctor. I did tell my husband I had a positive test, but I wasn't sure what it meant. Maybe it was just a peak of HCG from the previous miscarriage? Maybe I would have another miscarriage? I couldn't just file this one away like the last one.

I went to the doctor. She did a pelvic exam and instantly said, "This is a very pregnant uterus, I am guessing about 12 weeks." What? I have been pregnant this whole time? I didn't tell her what happened before. I don't know why. She did the ultrasound, and I heard a very clear, fast heartbeat. I was spinning all over. I didn't know what I was feeling. I was feeling everything all at once. Suddenly I was overcome with a need to protect this life. I couldn't let this one go. This was meant to be.

I told my parents, they were elated. They loved my boyfriend, and were constantly talking about us getting married. His mother was ecstatic. The parents planned our wedding in one month. There were about 100 people. That was THE most chaotic time of my entire life. All kinds of anxieties and fears were at the forefront of every hour. I had always said I didn't want to get married, that the only reason to get married was to raise children as a family, and I didn't want children, right?

We got married on December 30, 2005 when I was just over 4 months pregnant. The true gestational age was never clear, since the only determining factor was the size of my uterus. Just before Christmas that year I had a particularly peculiar dream. Pregnancy is known to cause women to have bizarre, lucid dreams. I dreamed that I was walking along the beach, holding the hand of a little boy. We were very content, not talking, just walking. All of a sudden a massive Tsunami hit, and just grabbed him from me, sucking him into her enormous belly. I stood there, in quiet disbelief, yet complete understanding. A voice from my own core said, "You can't save him, but there are others."

I was deeply disturbed by this dream. It made me think I must be pregnant with a boy. It reminded me of why I chose the work I did. It reminded me of my little brother, the one 8 years younger than me, born to my mother of a different father, one that I raised until I was 14. One that I had to let go.

All I could do was wrap myself around this little life in me that suddenly made itself known by flipping around like a little mermaid in my belly just when I told my fiance, now husband, about my dream. I left out the part about the Tsunami, and just left it at "We are having a boy."

A couple weeks later we went for our next ultrasound. My mother in law and step mother, and nephew were all with us. At around 14 weeks i could see everything. Fingers, toes, lips, and teeth. Everyone couldn't wait to know the sex. I had to turn away, saying, "it's a boy, i already know." The tech said, "You might want to look now," I turned my head and saw a little arrow with a label that said, "girl parts." I burst into tears.

I couldn't really explain it. It wasn't that I was disappointed, just shocked, and even more afraid. Raising a boy would have been easy. I was a tomboy growing up. I had too many mommy issues to parent a daughter. God was certainly not being easy on me.

For the sake of chronological storytelling insert the story in my blog, "My Little Papaya," and then " Exercising My Right to Choose: Life"
Fast forward through the traumatic birth experience, which I originally intended to share here, but deserves its own blog.

Fast forward to the end of my difficult delivery, to the part where I almost bled to death. My doctor said she was confused. Why was I bleeding so much? Why was my uterus so small just after delivery? I remember seeing my placenta in the background, just part of it. My husband told me later it was massive, twice the size of my baby.

So, back to the other day. All of a sudden the pieces fall into place. I figured out by dialoguing with carrot that my hemorrhage was most likely due to the size of my placenta and the force with which I expelled it from my body. The conversation I had with my nurse friend led me to the conclusion, which she concurred with, that I indeed did start with twins, that they were fraternal, and that most likely the two placentas joined, and became one massive one that fed my amazing little girl genius...