Don't Blame it on Depression

I have made the biggest mistake of my life.

I am a freshman in college, suffering from major depression. I have not been diagnosed; however, I am going in for treatment soon.

DON'T make my mistake.

I am with the boy of my dreams. He is absolutely perfect in every aspect of the word. The boy has literally given up everything for me. He has been my best friend for well over a year now and we have been in a relationship for 4.5 months. We go to colleges that are approximately seven states away; it has been impossible. I suffered from depression way before I left. Since middle school I have been showing symptoms of depression and things have gotten so much worse in the past six years. The past four months...have been catastrophic

The list:
This is what I have made my boyfriend give up for me...
Everything.
He isn't allowed to have friends at school.
He commutes to and from school.
He is only allowed to be at school during classes (and even then I give him a hard time for being there).
He is not allowed to do anything I do not know about.
He is forbidden from talking to other girls.
He can not go out even if it's close to home unless I give him my okay (which I usually don't).
He must be speaking to me at all times, and will not speak to others if it will keep him from speaking to me at the same time.

That isn't all. I honestly don't have the time to write it all. The boy has given up life for me.

Am I happy?

No.

I have continually gotten worse. I get angry with him almost every single day. How do I handle it? I yell. I curse. I say spiteful and hateful things. I make him feel guilty.

He says that it's okay. He tries his very hardest to not get upset or angry at me when I do it.

We blame it on the depression.

Tonight....I ruined my life. I did it. I wont blame the depression. It is my fault. I need to take responsibility. I said some of the most spiteful things that could be said to a person by a loved one. Telling him to go kill himself (I did not mean this literally...I meant he should go to school and be reckless and see if I care if he dies....)...so much better, right? I told him that he should go fuck around and see if I cared....I was screaming and cursing and throwing things around my room. I broke a good amount of things in my room. Why did all of this happen? He wants to see a movie that I don't want him to see because it has a pretty girl in it. Did I not mention that I monitor what he watches? Yeah? Well, I do. I monitor every aspect of his day.

He doesn't believe that I love him anymore.

I'm completely dependent on him. In every aspect of my life. He thinks that we are together because of that. Not because I love him.

In reality...

My whole life is based around him because I do love him. If you could only see his smile...hear his laugh...oh wow his laugh. To be honest it is one of the only things that sometimes distracts me from my depression. He is the cutest boy I have ever seen. He takes care of me all the time. He would do anything to make me happy. If I asked for the world he would carry it for me on his shoulders until the day I die (and then some). Sexually, he is always doing more for me than I do for him. He treats me better than any princess that I have ever met. Gosh...when we were best friends I always....always loved him. I would pray for him...cry when something went wrong for him. When I was deferred from my school of choice which I was later rejected from and he got into his school of choice...I tried so hard to celebrate for him. I was sitting in my room talking to him on the computer crying hysterically and doing my best to just keep saying how proud I was and how happy I was for him. I used to love him so much that I was too shy to hang out with him. He knew everything about my life and I knew everything about his.

I used to invite him over to my house for movies and I would be too afraid to speak to him. He would leave and I would do a little victory dance because it was always the best night of my life. I spent some time living in China over the summer and the day I left I saw him. We went out...just drove...those moments were and always will be the best of my life. I remember every detail so vividly...I try and relive it as much as I can.

I promised myself to him for marriage.

Anyway...

I can't blame everything on the depression. I know that I am no longer a fully functioning person. The fact is that I don't usually get out of bed. I rarely participate in anything except clubs that I unfortunately made commitments to. I can not study. I can not think. Moving and eating are such a chore. I hurt everyone and everything around me with my depression. I keep asking for help but it never comes. I need to go find it for myself. It is time to take my life into my own hands.

Alright....it's time for me to shut up. I have not captured how sweet and caring and loving and perfect this boy is. I caught maybe 5% of how wonderful he is. And I have hardly captured what I have become. I am truly a monster.

He may never believe me again when I say the words "I love you". It wont keep me from saying them. It wont keep me from celebrating in his successes and from helping him try and get through the hard times. My depression has made me a cripple...but I will give it every single ounce of strength that I have into showing him that I love him...

You know why?

Because I do.

<3 N.Z.T. <3
The sweetest person I have ever met. The man I want to spend my life with. I will get help. I'll do it for him. For us.