I’m with you

This write-up is very personal and is about a friend of mine. If she ever comes to know about it, she’ll never talk to me again. Iam going to be talking about her; the kind of life that I thought she was leading and the kind of life that she actually is leading right now. I came to this poignant realization after I went snooping around in her room and read her personal diary.

R is 19years old. She is studying in a college and aspires to excel in the field of performing arts. Her zodiac sign is Gemini and she is definitely very temperamental and fickle minded. She is amazing at sports and all the other extra-curricular activities. She is also very beautiful. She’s got the looks and the brains. “Beauty with brains” is definitely coined for her. I mean if I was as good as her, there would be no Saturdays that would go wasted. But she still doesn’t have a boyfriend. She says she doesn’t like to date. She is reserved too, I mean, she is very chatty but doesn’t really talk about her self. She makes us talk, but I rarely hear her side of the stories. She has a very giving heart. She’s always surprising us with little gifts and hand-made greetings. We feel so loved by her wonderful gesture. Well, this is what I thought was all to her. Until that fortunate or unfortunate day when I happened to go through her personal diary. Which I know is bad, but I really don’t regret what I did. If I hadn’t read what she’s written, I would have never ever realized the things that she was going through in her life. I would have never come across her tortured soul.

Before going ahead, I would like you all to follow this link http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=bW2LTnzD-vE ; it’s a video of Avril Lavigne’s song “I’m with you”. This song clearly symbolizes the kind of person that my friend has become. She is the youngest in the family and when she was born her mom was very angry and disappointed. That’s because her mom wanted a girl. Her dad ain’t really a family kind of guy. I mean he’s supportive and kind, but doesn’t know how to express his love for his daughters. Her sister, when she was growing up, was favored by her mom. She felt parental love only from her grandparents.

She always felt awkward and out of place, because of the tension between her mom and her grand mom regarding her. She felt that it was her fault that things were all wrong around her. Therefore, she tried not to burden people around her with her feelings and troubles. She pretended that she is perfectly alright and nothing’s amiss. She would never come back home from school crying, when she was mocked by her friends or scolded by her teachers. She would always share the good things and edit out the things that required a big hug and a kiss from her parents.

Due to this kind of setup, she never told her parents that she got molested when she was 14years old. Can you believe that?! She was molested for a WEEK by some man her grandfather used to take her to. For two years she said nothing and then broke out to her four close friends. But she thinks that her friends didn’t really believe her, because she was always a little weird at school. On the other hand, she was very close to them and when they moved to a new place she was heartbroken on leaving them. They were like a family to her and the loss of which made her go into depression for 3years. And her family never came to know about it. They thought she was just getting used to the new place. Those three years badly hurt her self confidence and self esteem. That’s because her new friends were unkind to her and would mostly ignore her. She is 19 now and still her family is unaware of what had happened to her when she was a kid.

To vent out her feelings she cries behind her closed bedroom door. And makes sure that the noises are muffled and not heard by anyone. I have never seen her cry. She is like this bottle that is being stuffed more than its limit and someday it’s going to crack. She has trouble controlling her anger. She also thinks that people hate her and that she’s not worth any love.

Due to the environment that she was brought up in, made it difficult for her to be expressive about her emotions. She is the sort of girl, who appears to be strong and would never cry. I mean she seems so balanced and sure of her self that her mother now comes to her for advice on various issues. And that’s what I always thought of her. I mean people who have been molested or have broken families don’t have horns coming out of their heads. She is also a hypochondriac. Like for example, last week we had a seminar on “Breast Cancer Awareness” and ever since that day she thinks she might develop a cancer soon.

Two of the blogs that I have written earlier titled “How I could have saved a life” and “Nobody can see him”, were written keeping R in mind. The former made me feel how I would react if she someday decides to commit suicide. And the second of is a schizophrenic view on her irrational behavior.

There so much to a person than we give them the credit for. I have known her for quiet a while and yet I failed to see the unhappiness that was torturing her. It’s not like she acts all gothic or like some depressed maniac. She appears absolutely normal, as If she doesn’t require any help. I so much want to help her. Or at least be a person she can confide in. Although I do know her by now and the way I do, would never be appreciated by her. She keeps saying that “Life is short, live it large.” I don’t know what goes on in her head when she says this. Even though she is a spiritual person, but everybody needs human love and comfort. Well that’s one of the reasons that all of us have been created for.

What do you think? How should I get her out of her cocoon that rather than saving her is pushing her in deep waters? She is one of the people I love to death and I don’t want to lose her.