Relationships? Not here.

I am terrified of relationships.
That's honesty for you.
The irony is that people who know me.... have no idea.
I'm over friendly. Most commonly know to other people as flirtatious. Guys are always texting me, leaving me facebook and myspace comments, hugging me in the hallway at school. Attention from guys is far from rare. However It has nothing to do with my looks that attracts guys but it has everything to do with my demeanor. In fact my roommate once said "for someone not amazingly stunning, you still do attract a lot of guys." Men want what they can't have, and I'm it. They know notice I dont commit but they do not think about why. I dont want a relationship because I am terrified. Of being hurt. It doesnt matter if I am really interested in them. That I really like them. Getting into a relationship, trusting someone, loving someone, willing to give your life, only to be left out in the cold, dumped, and alone. People say its easy just have to have faith. Take a chance. Love. But its easier said than done.
And its not just guys
I also flush friendships down the toliet. My friends, the close ones, I flip out on. And one day I might just tell them I dont want to be their friend. Its happened before. If I do not change some how, I feel sure I will do it again, and again.
I've had half way relationships. Those where you talk to a guy, he's basicly your boyfriend without the title. Without the title means no commitment. Without the commitment you dont have a reason to be hurt, you cant be hurt. But those without titles (usually the bad boys) never stick around for long and they have to be replaced every so often.
My Friendships I usually end because I feel them drifting away. Its crucial for you to understand how cruel I can be when my emotions get the best of me. My best friend, of five years, whom I made the transition from elementary, to middle, and high school with, I dropped. Just like that. Why? Because I felt threatened. It was freshman year and she was spending a lot more time with her first boyfriend unstead of me. I thought she would eventually forget about me so I got rid of her. "I dont want to be your friend anymore. Dont talk to me again." I said. I left her before she could leave me. Not a day goes by that I dont think of her and regret what I said.

I am being honest because I'm helpless. I don't know what to do anymore. Relationships I feel like I try hard at, still end up in ruins. I subconciously pull away or make them run away. It's fustrating to know what the problem is but have no idea how to solve it. Every person that has ever been important in my life has turn their back on me. And it affects me everyday. I have a sweet, amazingly handsome guy who wanted to be with me who I like very much. We were friends way before something more developed. We played "couple" for a while (He's currently living with his father out of state for a few months, so it wasnt like a serious relationship) but I eventually ended it. Saying that I couldnt deal with him anymore and that I could not handle the distance for another three months.
My best guy friend, who has liked me since freshman year, four years, still waits. He wants to be with me. How do I feel about him? I really dont know how to describe it. Honestly its like the Twilight series, how Bella feels about Jacob is how I feel about him. I like to hold his hand, for him to cuddle with me, stroak my hair, kiss my forehead, but he is not the one I really really care for.
I have another I think of often, the only guy I have ever said "I love you" to. He was nothing words could describe. But I told him "no" I let him go. Its been three years, I havent talked to him in two, and I still wonder if I did the right thing letting him go.

Right now, I am laying in bed, laptop on my stomach. Its a Saturday night and I had plans but they changed. I was suppose to "hang out" with this guy. A good acquaintance. He texted me. (And they all text, never call.) Asks me what I want to do. I suggest coffee. He text back "I have a house to myself around 7" I knew what he wanted all along but I never assumed he would be that blunt. I told him I would be busy and he replies asking me to let him know when I'm free so "we can hookup" He's not the only one. Couple of weeks ago I got passed a note in class.
It said "nice shoes, you wanna fuck?"
What a creative pick up line I thought. The male race has forgotten all about chilvary. Today they are just blunt. I use to like that attention. I would never sleep with them but it made me feel like something when they would say that they wanted to sleep with me. It made me feel good about myself. I must be pretty if they want to sleep with me I would think.
Now? How do I feel about it now? Disgusted. They dont care about anything about me. To them I am a piece of meat. A chunck of ass. Thats all. Nothing more. Guys dont look at my personality.

I am tired of being treated like a piece of meat because I'm flirty. I am fustrated with myself that I won't commit. To anyone or anything. I want to be like everyone else and be able to live without fear controlling my life.

What am I suppose to do? How do I fix this? Because If I dont, I fear, I will never have a serious boyfriend. Or a friend.