"You are your fathers daughter"

What does it all mean? Lately, I've just had a lot to say.

Our lives are filled with relationships. Good one's, bad one's, one's that don't mean anything in the end.
Some of them are good, some are wrought with drama and headache, sometimes you can pick the relationships you want
like with your friends but some relationships like family you are stuck with no matter what.

So what does it all mean when you lose your parent? Its those relationships you are stuck with that should matter
to you. One's you should be working on and resolving if you have
to because life is too short. By the time you find your peace you can no longer enjoy the physical presence of the
person because they are gone and its too late. Yes, it means in many ways that you are "orphaned" and alone but
it should also signify a beginning to start a new without the safety net of someone there.

What that should tell us, is to fix broken relationships so you do have time to enjoy it. I recently purchased a
book called "fatherless daughters" by Clea Simon. There is a paragraph that sums it up, "It would be simple to say
that once my father was gone I had room in my life for another man...but with my father gone, there was room for me to be
my own woman, and that made it possible for me to love" (pg. 101). No phrase sums it up better, my father was a presence
to be reckowned with. Do you mean to tell me that all these years I was looking to resolve my issues with my dad and
couldn't move forward till I did?????

THAT SEEMS LIKE AN AWFUL LONG TIME.

For some of us that's how long it takes!! All of our lives are different. We all take different paths. Some of us
get married and have children others of us don't. We can either live with regret or move forward. One of my many favorite
authors Henry David Thoreau,
who said, "Some men lead lives of quiet desperation"? If I sat here living in regret the pain would never go away. I'd be
crying around the clock. Sometimes I wish I had had children so he could have been a grandfather. That is probably
my biggest regret. Maybe that was just not ment to be.
I don't know. I used to believe in reincartnation because I feel like I've been doing this over and over but now
I do not believe in it. I do not believe in hell, I believe God forgives everyone. We make our own existance. We are
either happy sad or miserable.

I think we are just supposed to come to terms with the choices we make in life and when we
are on our own death beds like our father we must come to terms with what we've done. If you've studied psychology its the
last stage of Integrity vs. dispair. I hope to those who are restless with their spirit to not be in dispair its not a
good place to be. Forgive yourself. NDE or Near Death Experiences are the things I like to read about now.
I think the other side understands. To this day I still not think I want children.
Don't ask why. I just don't. I'm sure my father has a lot of regret. I can't even
begin to imagine as we were with him in that hospital room. "I should have spent more time with them." "I shouldn't have
been so selfish about living in Colorado." "I should have said I loved you more" We'll never know but I can only imagine
the pain of not being able to speak.

My father was not perfect by a long shot and I looked for men who different than him in race and style.
Maybe it was that presence that I could not get away from because so much of him was a part of me that
I ran to escape it. My dad knew too that I was running away from who and what I was. In the past few
years I did not mind the phrase, "You are your father's daughter" or "Your so much like your dad"
Like my profession, I just needed to ACCEPT that this is what I was ment to do and stop fighting
and running from it. My fathers presence that I spent too much time running FROM.

When a dissasterous relationship ended
he once said to me quietly that he still didn't know what happened there. I'm sure he knows EVERYTHING now. That's
kind of embarrassing. I hope he knows that its not his fault. I hope he doesn't feel like he's impeeded my growth.
We can't control what others do. I too lead my own life my way but now that he is gone I feel like I can let
someone in. I did what I wanted to do, for a long time I did not want to get married, I got my education,
started my own business and answered to no one but myself.

My father lead his life that way too. I guess I really am like him.