death will set you free

Mitch Alboom wrote a book called, "For one more day" or something to that title. It was a sad story about him losing his mother. Some of it fictional some of it autobiographical. "tuesday's with Morrie" was a better book I thought. All of this and the loss of my father has had me reevaluating things. I've had writers block for awhile and I"m hoping this will open up new ideas into what I want to do with it.

I am writing a book about grief, about dying, forgiveness, letting go and finding peace. My relationship with my father was strained. I come from a family with an Japanese background, Asian families express little emotion and mine was no different. My parents never said things like they loved us or gave hugs or anything like that. When my brother died we never even spoke about him after that because it was "off limits" as sad as that is that's just how it was. I think a lot of my family died when my brother died and never recovered. We just stuffed our emotions and became emotionally stagnated. After my brother died when I was 16 I swore I would never deal with death that way again. Little did I know it would be my father. I"m grateful I didn't shut down when he died. As hard and as scary as that was I dealt with it.

My mother said her parents never said things like they loved their kids either. It was just understood. I guess I could write an entire book about parental relationships and how it affects you life. My own personal growth has been emotionally stagnated. I dealt with depression for 10 years and was medicated for it. Just because my mother said she was ok with her parents not saying they loved her it always left me wondering if mine did. I know that's silly and stupid but its the truth.
The only thing I ever felt was my father's dissaproval. I think in the end he only wanted me to be happy and successful. He probably didn't understand why I couldn't get past my issues. I don't think he knew what my issues were. I don't know.
Strangely enough, my father was the only one I could talk to. He never judged anything I said and never passed opinion on me the way my mother did. Only on his death bed did he blink twice for yes and say that he loved me and then I had to leave. So much time wasted on things that couldn't be expressed. People don't realize that WHAT ISN'T SAID is just as important as what is. It can have such an impact on your life its astounding. I came to realize that my whole life has been trying to resolve my issues that I had with my father with other men. I wasted a lot of time trying to figure that out. Maybe it wasn't all wasted I don't know. I've always read in self help books that, this is how we resolve conflict but it never made sense to me until now. Sometimes no matter what you read and what professionals tell you, it doesn't make sense until it makes sense to YOU.

I now find myself recoiling from relationships. I know that's isolation but sometimes I want to be left alone.

Why is it as humans we waste so much time on things that don't matter? Why do we not realize that it can be gone in an instant. My father didn't know how to express himself. I don't know why he just didn't know how. He did know how to provide and I think that was his way of showing it. He financially provided for us. That was the only way he knew how.

I do hope as some of you have suggested that I helped my father find peace. I think I've mentioned before that some people did not show up to see him like my half brother or one of my uncles. I am saddened and dissapointed in them but I don't think it bothers my father anymore.

My father was afraid of dying. I do know that one day I will be able to join him and have a better relationship with him that I couldn't in this physical body. I have things on this earth yet that I need to complete. I'm still not sure what those tasks are but I'll figure it out.

I'm not suicidal but I'm looking forward to the final journey and I'm not afraid.

My dad is there.