Grief and fatherless daughters

Its' been quite awhile since I posted here last. I've been dealing with a lot of things lately and while I have been writing and blogging on my personal blog journal I have neglected this site some.

I have lost family members before. It started when I was 16 and my brother died of an inoperable brain tumor.
then it was grandparents and uncles. All of it was sad but nothing like losing a parent. There isn't any kind of grief that compares to losing a parent. My relationship with my father was not always the best on the planet. It left a lot to be desired for which makes his death even more painful. As mentioned in a previous post he suffered a catastrophic stroke that left him paralyzed with control only over his eyes although I will say he cried. I never saw my father cry as much as he did during that month.

Its been two months now since he passed and we did have the funeral. Once the funeral is over you are left with the grief. I am always curious to know how long the grief will take. It seems like its something that doesn't go away. I do know we are mourning the loss of the physical body. I do know he is here in spirit because I feel his spirit everyday.

Sometimes knowing that makes it easier but then again its not the same. The feelings come in waves. I've felt anger and bitterness. I actually get mad if I hear that someone has lived beyond my father's 72 years. There are times I don't think its right that I don't have a father at 43. Nor do I think its right that my nephew won't remember his grandfather. There's a lot of regret about what wasn't. All of which I know is perfectly normally to feel and I just go with it.

I figure I am in the depressive and final acceptance stages. It will probably take time. I have managed to go on because that's what he would have wanted. His funeral was small and very nice. It was like a class reunion of all his surviving classmates. I know everyone was shocked by his passing and never once thought it might be his turn. I know I thought he would be around for 10 more years.

I am eternally grateful for having the time that I did with him. I realize some people never get to say goodbye. They never get to thank their parent for everything they did for them. I got to ask what I needed to and heard what I needed to.

Strangely enough I feel like I can go on now. I have the closure that I needed. I am just saddened that he had to die in order for me to find that. As strange as it may seem, I think my relationship with him now is better than it was when he was alive. I know that doesn't make sense but it does to me.