I compare life to a book you have new chapters and old chapters. Some chapters are good and others aren’t so good. I have just emerged from an old chapter that was bad and have decided to open up the book to a new much better chapter. I am happy to say I am out of my verbally and physically abusive relationship of 4 years.
I often wondered how I could have been so naive and ignorant to stay. Things were not always bad and I was only physically abused twice, but the verbal abuse was constant and never ending. Love cannot fix these types of relationships. Also the notion that you can “fix” this person is a common misconception because they cannot be “fixed”.
I had never been in a relationship for this amount of time so I just figured the harsh verbal attacks were common until they were about my dad. If I ever took up for my dad he would say “there you go sitting on your dad’s dick again.” This is the most disgusting remark I have ever heard.
One night we were in a fight, he had been drinking and he was pissed at me. He got on top of me and was trying to rip a ring off my finger. I told him several times to get the F*** off me, but he wouldn’t listen. He was too strong so the only thing I knew to do was to punch him in his jaw. He hit me 4 times that night.
I figured I had been depressed because of my mom and because I have had depression for a long time, but I was so wrong. After we broke up I felt free like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, like I could finally be happier than I have been since my mom passed away. I had been in love with him for 3 years, and just loved him the 4th year. He had told me that he hadn’t loved me since my mom passed away, but just stayed because he would have felt bad.
I have not cried once and I am already over it surprisingly. I have actually been over it for a year, but feared for my life.
I have a lot going for myself now and it was time for a change. I am still in Nursing school, My dad finally got a house and I feel I am leaving behind the things that I don’t need any more. I am starting over and everything will be ok. I realize now that I deserve better and of course I have always known I will be fine on my own.
I think it takes some guts to break out of that 4 year cycle like that, and I'm sure you feel so much better for doing so. You don't need to deal with an abusive jerk. Like the saying goes, there are other fish in the sea. Someone else is much better than that.
Good luck on "writing" this new chapter. It sounds like it starting off pretty good already.
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Mind Control is Easier Than You Think
Wow, i am happy for you you got out of that relationship before it got worse.
Not many women get out of it... Keep your head up girly.
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This is a signature, an automated thingy that pops up when I comment, not a demand to see my blog!
Mind Control is Easier Than You Think
Though my relationship was never (physically) abuse, I realized after a time that I couldn't deal with the emotional neglect in my relationship. After I thought about it some more, I came to realize that I was holding onto an ideal more than reality. I had a pretty rough breakup, though. Not so much in terms of the breakup itself, but the getting over it and everything. I'd like to think I'm over it now, but if I'm really honest with myself, I'm not.
At any rate, I hope you find your new chapter to be much more fulfilling than the last. Don't forget to have fun on your path of discovery :)
~C
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I'm sorry that you had to go through that and I am also sorry it took so long for you to get over him. I should be sad and not over him but I am. I am rather lonely though because all I have is this site. My dad doesn't pay attention to me and most of my friends "in real life" never call or you know have lives of their own. He wasn't really there either but he was someone to talk to.
How long has the break up been if you don't mind me asking? It normally used to take me a long time to get over my boyfriends..so I can understand that. Just try to hang in there and be strong I guess I can use the cheesy line everything happens for a reason.
Come to the darkside....we have cookies ;)
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/50086-%E2%80%9Ctaxi-darkside%E2%80%9D-u...
It was exactly 7 months on Thursday since we broke up. But it was weird. He was my best friend, and getting cut off cold turkey was really hard. We talked again a couple weeks after we broke up, and it seemed like nothing had changed, but he rarely talked to me anymore. He was going through a really rough time, which is why I broke up with him in the first place, and I was kinda hoping once he got over it, we could get back together. That hope was destroyed in June when he told me something, and I had a really rough couple of months after that. I'm a lot better now, especially cause I have this cute guy flirting with me at work (though he's married, so I'm not sure it's him really flirting, or him just trying to make me seem happier). I can actually go days without thinking about him now, which is very helpful. After he didn't even wish me a happy birthday at the end of September, I vowed to not let him get to me ever again, and so far it's been working out pretty well.
But I'm glad you didn't have a bad breakup. Regarding your social life... I can't really help there, because I went into shock after my boyfriend and I broke up... we spend so much time together that I all of a sudden had all this time on my hands and nothing to do. I literally found anything that I could do, got involved in swing dancing and started going to lots and lots of events on campus. Now with work (which is still really school, cause I don't get paid for it) and taking care of my little sisters, I'm plenty busy.
~C
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well at least you are healing. Wow didn't even wish you happy birthday that is sad what a jerk. I am sure it will get better, that guy at work might be flirting with you you never know. Everything gets crappy before it gets better.
There is still alittle of a sting there for me but it is only one thing. The fact that my boyfriend lived a lie for 2 years pretending he was in love with me when he wasn't when I still was in love with him at least part of the time. He was also like your ex very emotionally detached and I do feel so stupid for not seeing the signs. It just kind of makes you feel worthless you know?
I am sure my social life will get better, it already has because before I didn't have any friends except on this site and now I have about 4. It will be a lonely birthday this year and I am suppose to be happy because Nov 20th I will be 21, but it kinda has been like this since my mom passed away.
I am sure you are better off without him because you deserve someone who will treat you like you should be treated. Every great person deserves that.
Come to the darkside....we have cookies ;)
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/50086-%E2%80%9Ctaxi-darkside%E2%80%9D-u...
Yeah, I know the feeling. Especially when my guy started turning to drugs to deal with his problems, instead of turning to me, then complaining about how no one cared about him and so forth.
I'm glad it's over, it's more that I was so used to the idea of being in love with him and being in a relationship with him (we were together for 3 1/2 years) that it was a huge shock when we weren't anymore. But, I'm a better person for it. He did do some good things for me, and I'm thankful for that, but I'm also thankful that I don't have to deal with him anymore. At the end of the year, I'll be severing my last contact with him (by getting rid of the e-mail address I used to chat with him). I just have to come up with a new e-mail address first :)
I'm sorry you have to deal with so much, but you will be a better person for it. I imagine it'll help a lot more when you can get away from the stuff your dad is putting you through as well.
~C
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Mine turned to Alcohol. He was actually a huge alcoholic when I first got with him. I helped him turn his life around and I think that was the purpose in the relationship. I am the reason he is talking to his mom again and I was the reason he did a complete 180. People like to self-medicate I guess and I have been guilty of that before but I never pushed people away.
3 1/2 years is a long time. I was almost with mine for 4. I think it is the idea that you have someone that cares so deeply for you (or at least you think) and it is the same and you have shared everything together, then poof its gone and after that amount of time it is hard to get back in the swing of things. It is like you lost everything you have tried so hard to build. It is like blocks you build them up then they come crashing down.
Yeah..this will be awhile before I can actually get away from my dad. Since I still don't have my license so I have no choice right now. Getting away from this nasty house is a start though. Dealing with alot I guess is what I do best.
Come to the darkside....we have cookies ;)
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/50086-%E2%80%9Ctaxi-darkside%E2%80%9D-u...
You are finally taking care of yourself! *hugs* You are going to be alright. This might be your best chapter yet!
"Never go with a hippy to a second location."
~Jack Donaghy
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
*Hug* back. I hope so. I think it will be much better. :)
Come to the darkside....we have cookies ;)
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/50086-%E2%80%9Ctaxi-darkside%E2%80%9D-u...
I am so proud of you for finally getting out of that relationship! I'm also so very happy that you've been feeling so much better! *hug*
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
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Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!
Haven't seen you around in awhile. Hope you're okay. I feel like a jerk for only reading this now.
I was in an abusive relationship that lasted 7 years, from when I was 17 to 24.
We broke up many times before the last time. It was a sick downward spiral. So much guilt on both sides. Guilt, fear, loneliness. That was the foundation of our relationship.
The last time I spoke to him he was begging me to come see him. I said I couldn't. I told him to call someone he hadn't already fucked over. I had already done this several times before.
I got a suicidal email. I called the police. Two days later I got the nastiest email I have ever read. He told me how pissed he was about the cops coming to his house and talking to his dad.
He told me what a whore i was and how he had to wash me off of his dick by putting it in as many pussies as he could.
sorry to be vulgar, but abuse is vulgar.
sometime later I got a call from his best friend, who i always had a good connection with.
He told me that my ex had gotten married, and had pushed his wife down the stairs, breaking her hips. he was calling me because he knew what i did for a living and was asking for referrals for medical care for her, since she didn't have insurance.
i didn't sleep well for a few days, dreaming about her, and then dreaming that he did that to me. I can only thank God for where I am now, and pray for his wellbeing. Realizing that his misery and happiness were equally out of my hands was the only way for me to forgive myself for walking away.
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
Looks like you dodged a bullet! I hope his wife gets herself out of that situation.
"Never go with a hippy to a second location."
~Jack Donaghy
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I am so sorry for what happened to you. I know I haven't been around but I have been really busy living the single life and talking to new guys, packing, and doing school work.
That is horriable and way worse than what I had to go through. I have not spoken to my ex at all and will not. I am glad you got out of that still in tact. People like that don't even need to exist. He will get what he deserves in the end though, trust me it always happens. People who are awful like that may go around doing bad stuff for a long time but Karma will catch up to them.
Come to the darkside....we have cookies ;)
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/50086-%E2%80%9Ctaxi-darkside%E2%80%9D-u...
I was worried about you. I know my situation sounds extreme, but it was a long time ago, and I am happy now. I am glad you got rid of him. When people get out of bad relationships, and grow from them, the chances of meeting the right person are greatly increased.
Stay strong my sister! I know you will, but I want to send you some encouragement.
The most important thing is to not define yourself by the past. As long as you stay focussed on your own progress, you'll find your prince.
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
That was a great story to share, even if it had to be "vulgar" at times :) .
I myself haven't been involved in one of these relationships, but I seem to see them springing up around me all the time now. I may as well share the Cliff Notes version:
First semester of the first year of college I roomed with two girls I didn't know because of a mix up in paperwork. I started seeing a pattern with the one girl. Her boyfriend would call, she'd end up crying or apologizing to him. He didn't want her going to parties or hanging out with guy friends. He'd yell at her loud enough for me to hear across the room when I was pretending to be asleep. I talked about this with a friend of mine from high school who went to the same college with me, and explained what was going on. "I think he's an abusive boyfriend," I remember telling her.
The next semester I was rooming with my friend, as intended in the first place. I soon began to see the pattern again. He'd call. She'd be emotionally distraught. He woudl irrationally accuse her of cheating on him. She would cave--saying sorry over and over and over again. I don't know why the cruel irony of this had to happen around me, but I saw how odd it was that my friend could recognize a bad relationship someone else was having, but not realize she was in one herself. Her boyfriend is terrible to her, essentially just using her and keeping her emotionally troubled enough to stay with him and not want to leave, for fear of lonliness or something.
I stepped up, though. I pointed these things out to her, explained my worry, and explained that she didn't need to take this crap. I've had these mini discussions with her time and again. Still no luck. She's still with him. The abuse continues. I can only hang in there and try to be the shoulder to cry on when finally, these two break up.
But of course, any advise is welcomed too. :)
~ *~
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Mind Control is Easier Than You Think
It is very difficult to get someone to see their own patterns with abuse while they are in the throws of it.
You are very insightful, especially when you noticed the inconsistency of your friend's insight when you point out that she is able to recognize abuse in other relationships, but not her own.
For myself, I was in therapy for about a year and still didn't get it for another year after that.
I knew my relationship was abusive. Guilt and fear are very powerful forces, and destroy logic and reasoning. I was not able to leave until being with him became more painful than being without him. I know that might not make sense, but it's true.
Part of the nature of an abusive person is the ability to reverse guilt, putting it in the hands of the victim.
If your friend ever does get it, sadly it will most likely be because things will get much worse, and her own sense of survival will force her to leave. Hopefully that will happen before she sustains major injuries.
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
Thanks for the reply.
It really is hard to just sit around and wait for the inevitable to happen (whether the inevitable means verbal turning to physical abuse or something else). I can only hope that my friend will soon understand. I mean, it's not like he's the last boy on Earth. As my dad points out, there are other (better) fish in the sea.
~ *~
This is a signature, an automated thingy that pops up when I comment, not a demand to see my blog!
Mind Control is Easier Than You Think
Create opportunities for you friend to be around healthy people, preferably happy couples. Once she sees how people are supposed to behave, she'll get more uncomfortable with her situation.
A friend said something that will forever stick in my brain,"You are such an easy going person, and so easy to like and get along with. When you find the right guy, it's just going to be so easy for you."
I thought, "That's right. Love is easy. If we loved each other we wouldn't be hurting each other." And then I remember one of my favorite recovery slogans,"Keep it simple, stupid." That saying exists because most things are so simple.
She was right. My relationship with my husband has been very easy. I never even had to question it's rightness. We have been together for 5 years.
To stretch it even further, the best thing I ever did for a friend of mine who was in a similar situation, who I had coached along for over 7 years of repetitive patterns of abuse with various men, was to marry my husband.
A lot of people at my wedding told me they wished they had what my husband and I have. That friend has just gotten married to a great guy. She and I were at the same place in our lives for so long, struggling with the same issues. Watching me grow out of them, I think, inspired her to seek more for herself.
What's that saying, "Be the change you want to see in the world"?
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
I just wanted to add my congratulations to the chorus. I am so very proud of you for breaking that bond and putting yourself first. You can go anywhere from here and do anything. Don't be afraid to mourn the loss of that part of your life... but remember you're moving on to better things and take the time to celebrate too. The things you deserve... and the people that deserve you are waiting! You have a lot to look forward too and I can't wait to see all of the good things this next chapter brings you!
Much love, my dear!
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~Fallon~
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.- Russell
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I am happy for you. Sometimes one becomes so numb from the abuse that they forget how it feels to be without that person, and how much better and positive the world really is.
congrats!!!!