It has come to my attention that the presidential elections of 2008 will be arriving in less than two weeks, and instead of deciding who I am going to vote for, not that it really matters in Illinois, a democratic state since The Stone Age, I wonder if it is too late for at least one of the candidates to drop out of the race. Yep, just drop all the debate discussions and the media and the nationwide conquest of certain states for electoral votes, just to go back to the little log cabin 40 miles away from the Yukon, sunny wherever-the-heck Arizona, or even just Springfield, Illinois. That way, John can take some senior citizen power naps, Sarah can marry her 17 year old daughter to her gum smacking boyfriend, and Barack can seriously consider changing his middle name to Christian. And in the meantime, the rest of America can step back and reevaluate this whole situation. After all, we’re only voting in who’s going to run the entire country during a war and an economic crisis. No biggie.
Let’s begin with John, who I must admit has no idea how old he really is. Seriously, in all his broadcasts, you can almost see the crust falling off his fake cheeks when he gives that borderline creepy smile, and being married to Cindy only makes him look even older. The guy could croak any second when he realizes he’s lost another 68,000 troops he’s sent to Iraq, an issue I’m pretty sure the majority of Americans are voting against. Oh, sure, he’s a Vietnam Veteran and fighting for our country is what he’s all about – WHO CARES. That happened before most of the country was even born, which further reinforces this maverick’s dotage. John McCain is older than duct tape, for God’s sake, and the only thing we can safely say is that he is younger than Jesus.
Along with Tweedle Dee, there comes Tweedle Dumb and Dumber. I don’t even know where to begin with John’s choice for his running mate: the fact that she is a hockey mom dealing with five children and a snowmobile racing husband, or the fact that her definition of foreign policy consists of “seeing Russia from her house”. I don’t know whether John forgot to take his Men’s One a Day, or he honestly wanted to make a joke out of a pure redneck. How Sarah slid in to being governor without a law degree beats me, but apparently doesn’t matter to her slew of hillbilly supporters. I feel extremely sorry for those intense feminists out there because Sarah Palin outright embarrasses girl power, if not the whole country. From her speeches to her butchered interview with Katie Couric, the brilliant Tina Fey from SNL has turned Sarah Barracuda into merely a punch line (she did seem a little stiff on last night’s show). What happens when John kicks the bucket and little Miss Alaska has to take over? It’s disaster down to a T, and it really manifests that “Anybody can be president. They just have to want it.” Yah, anybody.
Then there’s Barack Obama, our only reasonably sane but terribly inexperienced candidate who Sarah Barracuda’s troops are still convinced that he is a Muslim. Sure, he’s got some baggage, but what politician in the whole world doesn’t? For those who are democrat, you have a sure go with this guy, hoping that he won’t be assassinated by a redneck within the first few months. Yikes, that’s exactly what we need. However, we have Biden to fill that position, and that’s far more promising than Sarah. Still yet, his taxing issue is a little shaky even though he promises “Joe the Plumber” will make it through this economic crisis. Oh, and P.S., plumbers are just fine. They won’t be hit that hard by the economy unless people decide to splurge on Rangerovers or Prada shoes instead of getting their toilets fixed.
What about Biden? I think he’s ok for now.
With only a few days left to go, Obama will be campaigning madly while McCain soak up his ego by kicking back his feet. What with all his dirty jokes and ridiculous running mate, he quite frankly doesn’t seem to care anymore.
So what I guess I am trying to say is seniors, think twice about who you are voting for so you don’t screw it up for the rest of us, because we’ll be cleaning it up a couple years down the road. And make sure you think about Joe the Plumber, whoever the heck he is. Next time I call we nominate Stephen Colbert and Oprah Winfrey, two polar opposites the nation actually has an inkling to who they are and what they stand for.
God Bless America. We’re going to need him to.
The only thing that I can actually give credit to John McCain is that he was a POW for 5 years. He broke his legs and arms when his plane was bombed or something then captured. His bones were not properly set so that is why he limps. And the bulge on his face I believe is from that as well. That is the only thing.
Other than that I agree with what you said for the most part. Who knows what he have in store...it will be like a game of chess...how interesting...
Come to the darkside....we have cookies ;)
Dani