Well Alter Ego what do you think that you should tell me? About you and who you are? Anything that may have led to you being you? Any important issues or days that you want to tell me about?
Okay first off i think you should know that i will get tired of typing out little side notes and ill explain it the first time i type it but that will it. Like (IISTR) means if i spelled that right! and other little clever things like that theyll usually be in parentheses!
okay well a good thing to start off would be to think that sometimes i am crazy. I just sometimes get so furiuos about the smallest things. i think i'm a hypocondriac(if i spelled that right) i think i sometimes can do things that i don't know if i can actually do. I want to live life wayyyy to fast sometimes and it just might be my downfall. Well to start off i grew up with a disciplined autoritarion (I.I.S.T.R). and she was sooo overly dramatic about everything. I am the middle child and thats a curse altogether. I men the curse of the middle child is just a myth in someo households and sometimes its the truth and nothing else. I think that if i were to give infor about how cursed i was then it would be a book. Everytime something was handed down like clothes or shoes and good stuf i would never get it. before i was the middle i was the youngest. it was horrible my sister didnt calim me even though we went to the same school and took some of the same classes. i thought that we would be the lifetime sisters always close and take on the world together but it just tuerned out i was soooo wrong she would let the bullies bully me and because i was so freee to be me she wouldnt claim me only that we got on at the same stop. But moving on i guess when i think about it my mom thought i was going to be the genius of the family as well as the handyman, and the financial gainer in the family. she expected too much out of me. I think thats something that she did wrong and right. she did wrong because well i always fell short and when i did she would just yell all the time and never feel like i could do anything. but then it was right because it always had me trying to reach higher goals than certain people and it helped me build my confidence. But then everytime i got confidence it would be shot right back down by the person that youd never gues....my mother. You stink you too boysih no one is ever going to love you dont no boys want a little smelly girl who play too rough you so dumb sometimes you stupid. it was just horrible and everytime she said something that was mean i would cry everytime and that would let her know that it was getting to me. and she would go on and on. it was so bad. over the years i started believing it and what made it no better is that i was a boyish looking boyish acting tomboy. I felt like such a guy i didnt tell any guy how i felt and i stayed single for such a long time. and then when i finally got a guy who liked me i turned him down thinking that he was joking. i feel so much regret about things like that because now if a guy hits on me i always feel likes hes joking and always get cold and surly and mean. again bad. one incident that might have some signifigance (IISTR) is when i was almost beaten to a pulp. It was some odd years ago but my mom thought that we had stolen $200 and then she went ballistic. there was five people to accuse. the three kids, the husband and the the husbands daughter that was visiting. the first person she accused was me. which hurts so much still that she would question her child before anything else or anybody else. then she beat me with an extension cord. my brother got a lick or two my sister got 3 or 4 licks and me well i got EIGHT licks with that cord. another incident is when she beat the crap out of me with her fists. She was talking she wanted the phone so i went to get the phone and then she came bum rushed me and started pounding me not caring where she hit me at whether it was my right eye my cheek my head and ears. she did it because she thought i was walking away and not listening to her...............hold on im reminising(IISTR)................. that was the day i told myself that if she ever put her hands on me again i would kill her put i never have... ive slept walk right into her room and held a knife over her but i have never done it. I cant even kill a mouse without feeling guilty so i know i couldnt ever bring myself to do it. nor would i so dont reporting me or call the police.
NO COPS IM NOT GOING TO DO IT
then there was the lead pipe incident. i was talking and she though i had an attitude and then she grabbed her lead pipe shoved it into my chest pushed me against a wall and said "who you think you talking to?" and threatened me with it. Same thing with a lever but only different words. sometimes i think i have ADHD/WI (ADHD with issues) its crazy because i cant sit in the silent without some sort of music or humming because then there is someone yelling in my head a man and a woman yelling at the overly times 2 dramatic tone and its just random stuff (your nothing youll never add up) just random hateful stuff so i dont like the silence. which is one reason i hate tests exams and anything where silence is needed. i know that seems crazy but im not making it up.thats the crazy going on. I do this thing where i bump my head or feet to go to sleep i got that from my dad (ill reference him later) but i do it because it tires me out and helps me fall asleep. but now i cant bump my head anymore cause when i do i see this huge monster with a gigantic mace swinging it around and destroying the house me and my family is in and friends and just the whole world. thats why i dont like to watch the jekkyl/hyde scene from the league of extraordinary gentelman or the scene from lord of the rings where the guy has that bug black mace or the hulk without covering my eyes its not cause im scared cause those arent scary movies but it just feels like when i watch it on the screen they are going to hit me with a giant mace its a horrible feeling. as soon as i start to bump my head here he pops up. sometimes i feel like i have so much to say that if iwere to get it all off my chest i could talk for the rest of my life with/without breaks. tlak about issues.
MAJOR ISSUES
okay if i had to say a few things about myself it would be stuff like i am my own worst enemy and worst critic i hate my body i hate my hair i hate my muscles i hate how boyish i am i can't stand my body i think i already said that but im not backspacing unless spelling is wrong.i hate how manly my body is and i hate the fact that i like all types of guys but if i wanted to date someone i would want to date someone bigger than me as in mass. I feel overwieght i feel depressed every other day and i dont know what the hell is wrong with me. i think im subconsciouslly depressed about things from throughout my whole life that im just realizing. i want to get my life right with God but it seems like i say that everyday i always screw up in some way. i know i cant do it overnight but it just seems like He will not keep forgiving me and i will burn in hell i always have dejavu from dreams i have and its soooo confusing ill dream whats going to happen at work a week later and then itll come around and ill be like ive seen this before and people'll think im crazier than i already am. ill try to tell them wats happening next and ill be right sometime and then itll seem like im strange and i just escaped from the mental ward or something.. i know its crazy but its all true. I always feels if a guy asks me for my number hell just say psych and ill feel so embarassed. I sometimes wish i could go back to elementary school were the only thing people hated about each other is if they got to the swing set first.. LOL I feel like every guy i ever like will never like me back because im always trying to keep my guard up and every so often with every other guy ill let my heart sneak out and try to fall in love or even in like but everytime it goes out, it ends up in the infirmary. it feels like everytime my dreams are possible reality comes and screws them over. i came up with this saying its pretty neat. MY DREAM IS LIKE A COCKROACH AND REALITY IS EVERY SHOE THAT IS TRYING TO SQUAH IT. pretty nice right lol!
SWEET QUOTE
okay theres this guy at my job who is sooooo great hes nice hes funny, hes cute, hes athletic, hes smart and hes just a perfect guy and ive like him for a while now. at first he had a gf and then i just found out that he single and i got so excited . but then i got negative again and told myself that he could never like me and i will have to bury my feelings again. and that is probably wats going to happen because id rather never tell him how i feel and rather just get over him. i know that life is not a movie on lifetime where the guy automatically likes the girl back especially one like me. is that stupid maybe but at least it wont destroy a friendship and at least it wont make work awkward. im so tired of being the one crying or upset because they dont like me so i havent told any guy in the last four years how i feel. its worked except for the single thing, but its better than being rejected 20 and 30 times. it hurts and makes my heart colder smaller. it doesnt help with my PSO.
THAT DANG SYNDROME
i have a rare syndrome/disease that is in women in their ovaries. it throws my hormones out of whack WAY OUT OF WACK! but it makes me seem like a totally biznatch. and i dont want all guys to think im a female dog because of something i cant control!!!!!
Well Alter ego i think that we have gotten off to a great start but you are going to defenitlely need to come back and see me again.
OH I WILL THANKS DOC!
