I have always had issues with my body. I remember being 11 or 12 and thinking that i was too "big" and I didn't look like the other thinner girls i was friends with, therefore i didn't belong. In todays society, girls are constantly being told that they aren't good enough if they aren't thin. And no matter how much you say that you love your body and don't give into this message that the media is trying to drill into your head...it still effects you. They still manage to plant that little seed of doubt in your brain..that "what if they're right?" little seed of doubt. I remember researching about ana and mia when I was younger and idolizing ones who followed it. I thought that these girls who could resist the temptation of food and "eat to live, not live to eat"...i thought that they had it all down. When I was younger, I thought that pro-ana or pro-mia was the way to go.
I joined these pro-ana groups online...where the girls would trade tips and tricks on how to trick your parents into thinking that you ate that day, how to avoid eating, how to trick the scale at a doc. appt, etc. And I loved it. i loved the encouragement and the sisterhood...i guess. I loved the lifestyle.. and for some reason i believed that being thin was everything. That if only i was thin...i would be a better person, people would like me more, i would basically have a better life. And in 8th grade...i had managed to drop from 150lbs to 119lbs in a matter of a couple months..i was 5"7 at the time. So it was pretty noticeable. At the time my goal weight was 115lbs...but after i stayed at 119lbs for a couple of days...i felt myself breaking. I gave up. I was used to dropping weight consistently...and reaching a plateau killed me, killed my drive..because i felt that was the end and i would never pass it and reach my goal. So, immediately after i started binging. I ate whatever was in site...and there were times that i tried to go back to ana...but i couldn't regain the same the determination that i had before. I couldn't commit...and would often end up binging and attempting to purge...i say "attempt" because making yourself throw up is very hard and takes a lot of nerve..which i don't have.
Ok...so point in sharing this story with you all? This whole thing started out as "oh i just want to lose a little weight here or there"...I never meant for it to turn into an obsession. I am still dealing with this problem now...and i hate it. Its messing up my relationship...and my life...not to mention my body...and i don't know how to not make it a part of me anymore. This idea of "THIN = BETTER" or " THIN = BEAUTIFUL" is so ingrained in my mind...it's a part of me now. This lifestyle is a part of me now and i don't know if i can ever go back and just be "normal"...because i started so young. What we need to do now is make sure that these young girls realize that being thin isn't everything...and an obsession with thinness is only going to lead down the road I'm traveling right now. We need teach them to love themselves...to not let that little seed of doubt be planted. We have to do it before its too late...before the images of the waif models get to them....before they start hating themselves because of not looking that way. I wish that i could go back...and change it all...but i can't..and I'm suffering with the choices i made today.
Many of you may think that this is sick...but it is a reality. People deal with anorexia and bulimia everyday..so before you decide to judge...realize that those girls are suffering and need help.
I lost 60 lbs by not eating, I was anorexic in 7th grade. I was chunky when I was younger and made fun of by regular people and family for 8 years straight and finally decided to do something.
I still have issues as well and ended up gaining back the weight but I know the right way to lose it now. You can't compare yourself to the skinny people. You want to look good for who you are and except yourself. 150 for 5'7 is pretty thin as it is. You must realize that as long as you are eating some what healthy, getting exercise, and toning then you are a winner pretty much.
Good blog and I can sympathize. Just take care of yourself because in the end all you have is yourself.
" I know that human beings and fish can coexist peacefully"
-W
"it still effects you."
things AFFECT you. affect is a transitive verb form of "to have an effect on."
(my old english prof would never forgive me for not sharing that tidbit.)
/end grammar nazi
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"because making yourself throw up is very hard and takes a lot of nerve..which i don't have."
That's encouraging to read. The oldest daughter on Full House was able to purge into her soda can to (apparently) convincingly imitate a slurping sound. My point is it's not very hard if you don't think it's a problem - and by then really, really need help.
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I must say I was surprised to see anorexia and bulimia nervosa being described 'ana' and 'mia' by those in the lifestyle. rhetorically, they're anthropomorphized into female companions with benign sounding names. maybe i'm over thinking it, but it strikes me as an interesting coping mechanism / justification, at least for the self.
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It's wonderful that you're becoming healthy again. Kids in my peer group were vicious in junior high; it affected me in a different way. But now that I'm twice as old as I was and have learned that there is no joy like schadenfreude, I'm remarkably well-adjusted.
I wish the same for you, too.